Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - “PonPonPon”

  Note: The first time I watched this thing it scared the hell out of me, seriously. There’s so much going on that they probably need to invent a new line of tranquilizers. But hey, I love a challenge, so let’s see if we can get through this one. Here goes…

  We start out with Kyary on a brightly-colored, toy-filled stage, wearing (among other things) a pair of skorts (maybe) with giant eyeballs. She’s striking some kind of pose that indicates either she really needs an unseen teacher to let her go to the bathroom or there was some type of trauma-inducing incident when she tried out for the pep squad. She holds this pose for long enough that we begin to wonder if she may have passed on.

  Then we get a close-up of somebody’s ear, where we are presented with the startling image of a blinged-out something (microphone stand? Boy George’s walking stick?) growing out of the anonymous ear. Cut to the next shot, with Kyary snatching this long thing out of the air and then beginning to sing into one end of the happy stick. I guess she’s used to receiving her audio equipment from unnatural places. I’m certainly not.

  As Kyary and her amazing outfit cutely warble the opening of the song, we start cutting to tight shots of all the various pieces of rainbow clutter piled all over the stage. (I don’t know why she needs all this stuff around her, but we all have our own personal issues and we really shouldn’t judge. Not at this point, anyway.) Off to one side is a little window where we can see some not-so-cute things flashing by, like human brains and chemical meltdowns. We should probably stay away from that little Drive-Thru of Death.

  We also get a quick shot of a giant box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, which will prove to be the only stable and comforting thing about this entire video. You might want to GPS the location of that giant box on your smart phone, because it will soon  be the only safe place to run when things get out of control.

  Still singing, Kyary performs some intense choreography which basically consists of her tapping one foot or another, waving her hands about like there was something unsettling in her oatmeal this morning, swinging the magic stick like a possible weapon, and making sure we can see her enormous pink plastic boots, which probably weigh more than she does.

  Then we get to the chorus. Oh dear God, the chorus.

  Kyary has changed into an outfit and makeup ensemble that is vaguely Geisha-like, with some mystifying fruit on her head, but her wardrobe is not the important thing at the moment. Instead, we can’t help but focus on the images of a woman that looks like Tyler Perry as Medea on Mescaline dancing in the background behind Kyary. She’s wearing some pink mess of a dress, sporting a white wig, and shimmying like somebody splashed rat poison on her panty shield. It’s mesmerizing. You. Can. Not. Look. Away.

  So, I don’t. Not for a long time, with whole chunks of the video flying by where I barely even glance at Kyary, despite her very energetic attempts to capture my attention with her perky pirouetting and apparent telepathic command of day-glo crap that is flying through the air. It’s just me focused on Medea, stuck in a twisted temporary relationship that is so wrong I don’t wanna be right.

  Eventually I remember that Kyary is actually the star of the video, so I check out what she’s doing, which is basically the same routine. She’s alternating her outfits between the original “cheerleader as bizarre pre-schooler” and the “radiation skin-tone” woman who has an affinity for produce on her head. (There’s also something about a pogo stick and psychedelic skulls, but I’ll let somebody else explain that angle.)

  When we get to the part where radioactive Kyary has a flock of black birds flying out of her mouth, it’s fairly clear that there is no way I can keep up with everything that is going on in this video, so I can only hit the highlights or this review is going to be 417 pages. (I’m already exhausted and I’m only a minute and half into the video.)

  Let’s see. We are treated to giant scissors that probably want to kill someone, bees making honey, a surprising moment when Kyary bends over and lets loose with some cartoon flatulence (really?), a cheese-head routine, a bit where Kyary pretends to be a heavy-metal guitar player for no apparent reason, rude graffiti whooshing toward the camera in a violent manner, something about a unicorn with co-dependency issues, and Kyary’s inability to stop bouncing all over the stage like something got shoved where it shouldn’t have.

  Oh, and Madea is all over the place. Obviously the film editor realized he had a breakout hit with that train wreck and he’s prominently shoving Medea at us with a determination that is borderline psychotic. My initial jaw-dropping fixation with her begins turning into a fear-based realization that I may never sleep again. At one point there are roughly twenty images of Medea onscreen, doing everything from line-dancing on a peppermint sun to roping a couple of wild hogs.

  Then we get to the hand-clapping routine. Oh dear God, the hand-clapping routine.

  This mess involves Kyary and Medea as pep captains, rhythmically slapping their palms together as slices of bread rain down on the various planets where these surreal people live. They are very excited about getting to do so, I’ll give them that, but I have no idea what this means. Especially when eyeballs start appearing on the bread slices, eyeballs which then break free and twirl about the stage as well as tumble out of Kyary’s mouth.

  What the hell is happening in Japan these days? Did I miss a memo?

  Next we have something to do with brightly-striped tanks driving over everything, Kyary’s head turning into a pulsating glob of pink clay that has more mouths than anything should, a drunken shark, a possible tribute to Carmen Miranda, Medea dancing on the ceiling with more enthusiasm than Lionel Richie ever had, some kinky stuff with donuts, and Kyary riding her disco stick to the probable point of rapture.

  But we’re not done. Nope, we also get a carousel from hell, another round with skulls, this time featuring laser beams of death destroying the universe, the violation of a purple teddy bear that was innocently trying to watch Big Bang Theory on pay-per-view, Kyary sporting a fake mustache and then eating it along with an apple, more psychedelia that might have something to do with celestial orgasms, and Kyary insisting on trying to create a signature dance that is simply not going to sweep the country unless marijuana becomes legal.

  Thankfully, we finally begin to wrap things up, with just a few final attempts to rupture our brain stem. By this point, Medea has been relegated to a supporting role in that Drive-Thru of Death window, probably after Kyary pointed out a clause in her contract about artistic control and cuteness dominance. But we still get to see some angry fish, more donuts, more conjugal visits with the disco-stick-slash-stick-pony, a quick bit that might be featuring Kyary as Sarah Palin imitating the Russians she can see from her house, and a giant pig that is not impressed with all the excitement and bouncing.

  The final shot has Kyary winking at us, fully aware that it doesn’t matter what we think of her. She has 25 million hits on YouTube. Do you?


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