Monday, May 21, 2012

Maroon 5, Wiz Khalifa - “Payphone”

  We start out with Adam in one of those big-ass concrete gulley things, possibly the same one where Danny made Sandy tingle with his driving skills in that movie where everybody sang and wore poodle skirts, not clear. He’s a little banged up, and we can’t help but notice that a car is on fire right behind him. Obviously something did not go quite right with his day, but we really don’t care yet because we’re distracted by Adam looking mighty fine in his tank top and soot-coated skin.

  He fiddles with his wireless phone for a bit, but I guess there’s a signal issue because Adam chunks the phone at the burning vehicle and wanders off to a payphone in a nearby booth, which is a tricky thing to do because there are only about three of those left on the planet. He shoves some coins in the unit and dials a number.

  Cut to what might be a bank somewhere, where Adam is sitting at a desk and looking bored. (His outfit this time is a business suit and some killer eyeglasses, for those keeping score.) He continues to be bored for a bit, and then we hear the song start up in the background, which signals the video editor to jump us back to the phone booth so we can watch that version of Adam sing the song instead of putting out the fire that is still burning.

  Then we’re back at the bank, where a pretty woman is marching along and trying to act like she’s a professional woman in a business suit even though she’s probably a supermodel and is wearing more clothes than she’s accustomed to doing. Next thing you know, some rude little bank robbers come running into the place and interrupting everyone’s financial activities. These guys are serious about their mission and make this clear by shooting guns and making people lay on the floor even though they’re wearing couture.

  The robbers dash about collecting money that does not belong to them and other bank-heist stuff, while Adam cowers under a desk. Then he notices that the Supermodel Business Woman (let’s call her Bianca just to make things easier) is also cowering at an adjacent desk, and he decides that maybe being a superhero would not only be fun but might convince her to go out on a date with him. So he motions for her to take off her shoes, which she immediately does without asking why, so she might be a little bit trampy.

  Adam then grabs the gun of a conveniently nearby robber who is distracted by doing something stupid with a duffel bag. Adam fires off a shot or two, which is kind of pointless since there are about 400 bank robbers, then he grabs Bianca’s grateful hand and they run through a hail of bullets and out the door, hardly getting a scratch because a director never kills off his top-billed actors in the first part of the movie unless that director is Alfred Hitchcock or Brian DePalma.

  Once outside, Adam throws down the gun as he and Bianca hightail it to somewhere that is presumably less noisy, but a policeman sees the gun-flinging and assumes that Adam alone is responsible for all the gunfire that is destroying the building. So the officer and his buddy hoof it after the sprinting couple, instead of checking on the other folks who are still screaming in the bank.

  Adam and Bianca manage to lose the cops rather quickly (those donuts take their toll after a while), and then they mystifyingly decide to run to a hotel where Wiz Khalifa just happens to be getting out of a fancy car. Adam convinces shoeless Bianca to pose seductively behind another car, and then he runs to jump in Wiz’s ride, flooring the gas and racing down the street, leaving the little car valet guy scratching his head and wondering what happened to his tip.

  So now we have the beginning of a nice car chase, with Adam zipping down streets and crossing bridges with the po-po on his tail. Within seconds they have completely left the city and are roaring down some country highway, with the pursuing squad cars having magically multiplied from one to six. Oh, and we also have four police helicopters joining the fun. Apparently they just happened to be flying in the neighborhood and wondered what all the fuss was about.

  The chase goes on for quite a bit, which allows us to get lots of dramatic shots of Adam shifting gears sexily, even though he’s been driving in a straight line for long enough that surely he’s already in top gear. While that business is playing out, we cut to Wiz rapping and profaning while standing near a burning barrel or some such. It’s not clear where he’s at, but it must be a place that doesn’t have automatic sprinklers.

  As words whiz out of Wiz’s mouth, we check the status of the car chase. Uh oh, it seems that Adam is still in checkered-flag position, but then he discovers a pack of pesky squad cars coming from the opposite direction. And to make the situation even more grim, one of the officers pulls out a big-ass gun and starts shooting holes in the expensive Wiz-mobile. Adam needs to go to Plan B, stat!

  So he does, doing some nifty things like slamming on the brakes mixed with more sexy gear-shifting, with the end result being that some of the dual-approach police cars slam into each other and become airborne balls of fire. (It’s very clear that the majority of the budget for this video came into play right here.) Naturally, Adam survives the hailstorm of auto parts and flaming landscaping, driving off into the sunset and leaving the burning bushes behind.

  Cut to Adam, apparently some time later, driving the bullet-riddled Wiz-mobile up to that place under the bridge where we first met him. (He slowly rolls past some unknown lumberjack guy that is just standing there and watching him. No idea what that’s all about. We’ll just assume that they might be in L.A., where lots of lumberjack guys stand around and watch things that are none of their business.)

  Adam calmly gets out of the car and whips off his shirt for no apparent reason, not even bothering to flinch when the car explodes right behind him. He assumes a brief studly pose, letting us see that his packaging is still in order so the upcoming concert tour is probably not in jeopardy, and then he wanders over to that payphone where everything started. He makes the phone call that we’ve already seen him make, and we’ll just assume that he’s calling Barefoot Bianca to apologize for abandoning her shoe-less ass to go play Speed Racer at a really inappropriate time…

Click Here to Watch this Video on YouTube. (Explicit version, by the way.)

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