Friday, August 13, 2010

Eminem, Rihanna - “Love The Way You Lie”

  Well, then. This is NOT a happy video. Someone needs to call their pharmacist. (Oh, and side note before you watch this thing: It’s Eminem, so there’s a bit of graphic language. This thing does not need to be playing when your boss walks by. Just sayin.)

  Anyway, we start out with Rihanna, sporting a startling red hairdo and a leather hoodie thing that Grace Jones might have worn back in the day. She likes the way it hurts, apparently. Quick shot of a couple in bed. They apparently can’t afford a blanket. Then we have a shot of the woman from the bed sitting on a boring floor and holding a burning flame in her cupped hands. Poor thing. Is she cold? Did somebody not pay the light bill?

  Rihanna keeps singing, despite the poverty and the sad people. It looks like she’s standing in front of something else that’s burning, but we really can’t see because her earrings and hairdo are fighting for your attention.

  Then the woman wakes up and she is very unhappy that her name (or somebody’s name, not clear) is written on her partner’s hand. She jumps out of bed and then starts beating on her partner, because that’s a natural reaction when you see a name written in marker on flesh. Meanwhile, Eminem has started rapping, but for some odd reason he’s doing so in the middle of a cornfield. No explanation is given, and the corn doesn’t seem very pleased about getting trampled.

  Oh, and the guy in the bed, tussling with the angry woman, looks like Charlie from “Lost”. Apparently the woman didn’t like his performance on that show, because she spits in his face and then bounces around in her panties while slapping at Charlie. He shares his own opinions on the matter by walloping her back. I’m thinking the National Organization for Women might have some harsh words about this video.

  The couple gets bored trying to kill each other on the bed, so they move into another room. This seems to have been a good idea, because there are more props that they can throw at each other, and we have a wall that Charlie can shove his fist through. That bit of rough-housing seems to excite both of them, because they suddenly start making out as Rihanna starts wailing again. I don’t think I want to party with any of these people.

  Rihanna keeps holding her head while she sings, so somebody should probably get her some aspirin. Eminem keeps mucking around in the field, not sure where the recording studio is with the rest of his crew. The couple continues to make out, fight, make out, fight, pause to let the camera linger on their seedy sweatiness, and then start pounding on one another again.

  Then I guess we’re having flashback scenes to when this entirely-compatible couple first met. Charlie’s in a bar, and here comes the woman, stroking a beer bottle like she really means business. They decide that beer is just not going to cut it, so they run off to a liquor store so Charlie can steal some hooch while the woman stands around and shows us that she can steal as well, having ripped-off Angelina Jolie’s hairstyle.

  Quick scene with Charlie displaying a tattoo on his back and then screaming in angst. Why are these people so mad about everything?

  Back in the present, Charlie tries to give Angelina a teddy bear, because stuffed animals always make people feel better after having been almost killed in a trashy apartment.

  Eminem is still in the field, and Rihanna still has a headache, but they’re troopers and keep singing.

  Suddenly, we’re in the bar again, and Charlie walks up to some guy and smashes his head with a bottle while Angelina fondles a cue stick. No other details are shared, and we go back to the trashy apartment, where Charlie and Angelina are doing yoga. Then they start seeing things in the air that don’t exist, and they play with these things. Charlie decides to smash a mirror and then gaze at Angelina in one of the fragments. Folk, this is why they created tranquilizing drugs. Speak to someone, please.

  Back to Rihanna, where we can see more of the structure behind her, and it is indeed a burning building, probably set afire by something that shot out of Rihanna’s warp portal. Eminem has joined her, having finally made it out of that field. Right now he’s doing some type of two-step while Rihanna finishes up her section of the song and shows us that she’s lost her pants at some point.

  Then Eminem starts rapping again while Rihanna picks up with the two-step and waves her arms like she’s been cleared for landing. Meanwhile, the fighting couple is now just staring at each other, trying to remember their next lines. Angelina decides that she doesn’t care what the next words are, and she and her cut-offs start marching out of the apartment, which apparently doesn’t have a wall on the side where the camera is. Charlie is not pleased with her departure and takes it out on the furniture.

  Next we have things in the apartment, like an odd lamp and the bed, bursting into flames. We don’t actually see Charlie doing this, but we’ll assume that he did, because Angelina is too skinny to hold a lighter. Then we’re magically transported to another part of the building, where the couple keeps fighting and we are treated to the sight of somebody’s jockstrap hanging from what I think is a deer antler.

  Then Rihanna, still missing her pants, and Eminem, still missing an actual plot, are singing in front of the burning building again. (You’d think they could grab a bucket of water, right?) Then we see Charlie on fire, probably not a good thing, followed by Eminem back in that damn field, also on fire. He really burns for a long time. Cut back to the couple, with Charlie miraculously un-burnt, and they start making out again. Did Eminem’s possible death in the cornfield bring them back together?

  Oh, maybe not, because now Angelina is on fire, in the apartment that’s not burning anymore. (Who wrote this?) But she survives as well, probably because Eminem and Rihanna have stopped singing and are staring at the apartment, using their mental powers to put out all the fires.

  Final shot is the couple back in that bed where this mess all started. They are slumbering peacefully, without any fighting, so they’ll probably have a nice nap before Angelina discovers something else written on Charlie…

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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