Saturday, August 28, 2010

Danielle Staub, Lori Michaels - “Real Close”

  Editor’s Note: This video was kindly (or perhaps cruelly?) suggested by my buddy Laura. I normally don’t mess with “TV clips” of live songs, but this one is truly astonishing and I couldn’t help it. Danielle Staub was supposedly on that “Real Housewives of New Jersey” show on Bravo. I’ve never watched the thing, but after getting a load of this mess, I probably never will. Enjoy.

  Right away we know we’re in trouble, because there’s a quick glimpse of the cover art for the single, and it looks like Danielle is trying to snap Lori’s neck. No explanation is given as to why Danielle might be trying to take someone’s life, perhaps this is just how they say “hello” in Jersey, but I’m going to guess that Lori made the fatal mistake of using up all the hair color in the house. Or maybe Lori was just trying to back out of the mess that’s about to take place on stage.

  Then the music starts, and it’s a crappy loop of peppy but sappy disco, so they didn’t even bother to hire real musicians to record this thing. We see some queen of a dancer waving his arms like his panties are on fire, with Danielle in the background, hidden behind two muscular guys who are studying their shoes. If only she had just stayed there, perhaps things wouldn’t have gone so pathetically wrong.

  The queen finally stops flailing and drops to the floor in a sad split-squat move, which signals the muscle duo to break formation and skip to the front of the stage, where they do a few hand flutters of their own, followed by an odd move where the bigger guy pretends to “swallow” the other guy with his body. Or something. I really don’t know what that was. If this had been filmed in Arkansas, they would have been arrested.

  Then the lighter of the pair runs halfway off the stage, then turns and races back, flinging himself into the bigger guy’s arms. Big guy then lifts Little Guy over his head and then twirls him around like a pinwheel. I kid you not. Little Guy makes sure to spread his legs wide open, showing his wares to the world. (In the background, we can see that Queen Guy’s panties are still on fire. Or maybe he’s signaling to the hot-dog vendor that he’d like a foot-long. Don’t care, really.)

  The twirling duo eventually stop that mess and run to the back of the stage, joining Queen Guy and Danielle, then the four of them strut forward in a supposedly choreographed dance move. (That click you just heard was Janet Jackson turning off her TV in disgust.) Then Danielle opens her mouth so we can finally hear her sing.

  And the entire Eastern seaboard immediately snaps off and plunges into the ocean out of pure shame. Holy cow she’s bad. To make the pain stop, the muscle duo starts doing calisthenics and boxer-kicks, while Queen Guy prances about in dramatic anguish, begging St. Divine to reach down from Heaven and snatch him up. This does not happen soon enough.

  Danielle, not noticing that people are screaming and running out of the audience, keeps singing. The muscle guys cover their jewels with their hands, pretending that it’s a street dance move, but really trying to block Danielle’s piercing wail from making them sterile. Amidst all this, with Danielle trying to wriggle her hips seductively but looking like she’s got a gas bubble, we get a close-up of her face, and we learn two things. One, yes, those sounds ARE coming out of her mouth, and two, that face is NOT the one she was born with.

  The camera cuts around a little bit, and we can see that the dancers are either really dumb or only learned their routine about twenty seconds ago. They keep looking at each other to see if they are doing the right thing. Well, the duo keeps looking at each other. The Queen is twirling and flitting so much that he often is nothing more than a blur of motion and glitter.

  Some benevolent sound tech behind the scenes takes pity on us, and actually turns the music up a little, trying to drown out Danielle’s gaseous expulsions. Sadly, she will not be denied her moment in the spotlight, and screams even louder.

  At some unknown cue, one that most likely has nothing to do with the song or artistry or even sense, the dancers close in on Danielle. (Perhaps they are also bodyguards, ready to deflect produce projectiles that should be incoming at any moment?) The slender muscle guy bends over like he’s about get some lovin’, but since Danielle is directly behind him, I think he might be a little confused. The bigger muscle guy is pretending to stare at Danielle with absolute lust and devotion, but his eyes keep flickering to his proffering Cirque du Soleil partner. (The Queen, meanwhile, is pirouetting with such gusto that Dorothy and Toto just shot by.)

  Then the quartet kind of stumbles around the stage, not even pretending to know the dance moves any more, although at least the big muscle guy still remembers that he’s supposed to want Danielle’s body more than anything in the world. His method acting? He stares at Danielle’s butt with fake intensity and holds his hand to his jaw, as if in shock and awe at the mesmerizing power of her derriere.

  Then there’s another predetermined signal, and now the three guys are running around Danielle in a circle, reenacting the evolution of man from swamp glop to Wall Street. Danielle raises her hands over her head, and she’s really good at that, so maybe she has a shot at an actual career holding up round numbers at wrestling events. (The Queen continues to channel Diana Ross, getting it eerily right, almost to the point where you expect him to shove Mary Wilson off the stage at any moment.)

  Now we have the muscle guys lifting Danielle high in the air (the Queen tries to help, but really, he’s just there to look pretty), with her looking far too comfortable at having the hand of a total stranger shoved up her butt. And this, apparently, is the signal for Lori to come out and pick up the song. She’s sporting the same basic wardrobe as Danielle, only there was a dryer mishap and her shirt is too short.

  The muscle guys finally land the Danielle plane, so she and Lisa stand next to each other and try to gryate their hips to the beat, but I guess they weren’t really paying attention in music class that day. They trade vocals, if you can call it that, then all five of them start acting like they can’t get enough of each other’s overpoweringly hot bodies. It’s completely believable, especially when the Queen does a few high-kicks of lust and only seems to be interested in touching himself.

  Oh, and there’s hair-whipping by all three of the divas, in case such things interest you.

  We wrap it up with Lori and the muscle duo doing some more half-hearted choreography, which includes fist-pumping, because it’s not really a dance routine until you do that. Danielle and the Queen quietly (and thankfully) just stand in the background as the song fades, completely forgetting what they are supposed to be doing now. Hopefully, the audience will forget that they ever saw this. Because they’re going to need therapy if they don’t.

  Whew. Made it through. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to for a while there.

  But hey, if YOU see something like this that really needs my personal interpretation, send me a Facebook email or slap something on my wall. Because we have to know that these things are out there, and we have to be prepared. We’re in this together, right?

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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