Monday, January 18, 2010

David Guetta, Akon - "Sexy Chick"

  We start out staring at David’s boarding pass for some plane apparently bound for Barcelona. This is incredibly boring, so luckily we soon switch to a shot of this supposed plane flying overhead. Of course, you may not even notice the plane because of what’s standing on the ground and watching the plane fly.

  There’s some rail-thin supermodel-type, with her behind poking right at us. This woman is wearing the tiniest bikini known to the human race. Seriously, it’s basically an inch-wide piece of see-thru material stretching from one hip to another. And of course she’s dripping wet in case the “see-thru” part isn’t providing enough of a slut factor.

  Why is she even bothering to WEAR anything? There’s nothing left to the imagination. Honey, your momma must be really proud of how you turned out.

  So right away I cringe. This is going to be another one of those videos filled with mindless, skimpily-dressed tramps doing everything they can to hook up with some butt-ugly singer because apparently that’s how it works in America. You have a hit single on the radio and everyone wants to have sex with you immediately.

  Then  there’s a brief shot of women swimming underwater, because I guess that’s what you do after you have the sex, yes? Wash away the nasty and then climb out of the pool for another shot of tequila and the next guy in line.

  Cut to Akon waking up in some totally white hotel room, with hundreds of Polaroid pictures scattered all over the place, as if something exploded. (Perhaps Akon’s ego?) This scene is undercut with quick shots of more women floating around in a pool. They don’t seem to be alive, probably because it’s very clear that they haven’t eaten a morsel in several years.

  Akon, flopping around in the bed, starts having flashbacks where it appears that he was showing some appreciation to quite a few of his fans, if you know what I mean. No wonder he was all worn out and asleep when this video started.

  But it seems that Akon quickly regains his strength, notices an invite to another pool party, scrawled on his mirror in lipstick (because these girls are really classy, don’t ya know), and he rushes out the door on a quest to show more appreciation.

  Now we’re at the pool party, at some fancy mansion, with a long line of people working their way into the building. There’s some rude bouncer lady with a clipboard deciding who gets in and who doesn’t. She refuses admittance to a group of guys, and they wander off to the side. I think we’re supposed to feel sorry for them and all, but I really don’t. None of them look like they have bathed since Clinton was President. I wouldn’t want them near my kitchen, either.

  Then we jump around back to the pool, and here come the scantily-clad tramps, sashaying and stretching and making their chests heave. It would be minimally interesting if they did a line dance or something, but no, they just stand there and heave. Meanwhile, we have shots of Akon underwater, singing the lyrics to the song. No explanation is given for this, he’s just doing it.

  Then the banished dirty guys find a wall they can climb over and sneak into the party. (Where is the security guard that a place like this should have? Is he off trying to sleep with Akon as well?) They join the gyrating, basically-naked people around the pool and everybody dances.

  A few seconds later, Akon picks up David Guetta, holds him in his arms, and then jumps in the pool with just a little bit too much enthusiasm, sinking all the way to the bottom. After a bit, they break the surface, both of them grinning madly and seeming to be in a state of euphoria, making you wonder just exactly what happened while they were down there.

  And that’s it for the plot, assuming that there was a plot in the first place. Yet we still have over two minutes left in this three-minute video. What to do?

  Well, they fill most of the time with the same basic shots, over and over: slutty women busting out of their paper towel bathing suits, party bros high-fiving each other like this is them best time ever (because THAT‘s an original thing for people to do), and drunken people throwing each other in the pool. I’m sure by the end of the day there was a three-inch layer of hair product on the surface of that pool.

  That’s it. Over and over. They don’t even try any fancy editing or special effects. Just hundreds of shots crammed together with no rhyme or reason. And to think that some producer got paid a lot of money for this crap. THIS is what’s wrong with America, people. RIGHT here. Some folks actually consider this video to be entertainment. Good God.

  Toward the end, just as I was dozing off, the pool scenes are gone and Akon is marching along in some building, possibly underground. He walks into what appears to be a dressing room, where he meets some woman that looks slightly familiar. I’m not sure if we’re supposed to know her or not. After all, everybody has the same look in videos right now so you basically don’t know who you’re watching until the end credits.

  This woman has some other female friends in the dressing room, and they all hug and smooch on Akon as well. He sure has a lot of fans. He must be exhausted giving out all that appreciation.

  The woman leads Akon upstairs to party central, where tons of people are dancing while David Guetta is playing DJ. I guess he’s doing the most amazing things with his record spinning, because the crowd is dancing in a rapturous frenzy. (Translation: Everybody is jumping up and down in one spot, because that’s what passes for dancing these days. No one has rhythm anymore. They just have stylists.)

  Akon joins David on his fancy DJ platform, and Akon sings some more. Of course, the crowd considers this the Second Coming and goes even wilder. Then Akon actually jumps into the mass of people so they can crowd surf him around.

  Really? Akon jumped in the mosh pit? They’re still doing that? Wow. They had mosh pits back when I was in high school, and that was shortly after the Pilgrims landed. It’s kind of sad, really, these kids thinking they invented something new when they haven‘t. Everything’s already been done, folks. Everything.

  We end with Akon in another hotel bed, drifting off with another batch of Polaroids thrown all over the place. (These people are just plain trashy, there’s no way around it.) He wakes up long enough to try looking at some of them, but he can’t seem to focus and decides to just pass out.

  I’d like the last five minutes of my life back, please. Thank you.

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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