Rihanna, Drake - “What’s My Name?”

  We start off with random shots of some city. It’s probably New York, because I seem to recognize the bridges, but it’s really not important. Cut to a convenience store of some kind, where Drake is standing around doing nothing, and Rihanna, and that new vibrant hair of hers that I’m not used to, comes waltzing in with a piece of fishnet caught in her ‘do.

  Drake decides that he’s got to have himself some of that, so he follows Rihanna and her mismatched outfit to the dairy aisle, where Rihanna presumably just wants to buy some milk. Drake starts rapping, and his words make it very clear that the most important thing to him, ever, is having sex with women who accessorize with fishing gear. He bumps up against Rihanna, and instead of slapping him like a normal New Yorker would do, Rihanna wants him so bad that she drops her little carton of milk, creating a mess on the floor. She likes her spilled milk however she can get it.

  At one point, with both of them humping the reach-in refrigerator, Drake waves his hand like Rihanna all stinky, but she lets this pass as well, proving that she must be drunk because a sober Diva would not put up with hints that she’s unclean in some way.

  Now we start getting shots of Rihanna sitting in a plastic chair, and glimpses of various people on the streets. We don’t know who they are yet, so we don’t care. More shots of Rihanna making love to herself, followed by shots of Drake trying to take over that job assignment. (We also seem to be focusing on Rihanna’s choice of various shades of nail polish. No explanation is given. Maybe we’ll find out what that means later.)

  Next we have Rihanna, in her… I don’t know, Pussycat Dolls-joins-the-circus outfit, parading up and down various streets. (At one point she feels the need to shake her booty outside a discount clothing store, so I guess she really likes a good sale.) We’re also seeing more of those other people walking around, and most of them seem to be carrying drums, or things that could be used as drums in a pinch. Are we headed to a tribal celebration of some kind? Stay tuned.

  Rihanna decides to pour Drake some alcohol, even though I’m thinking it’s really not necessary, he’s already willing to do anything that Rihanna wants, as long as that anything includes nakedness and the sounds of bed springs creaking. They toast each other, probably because they both got invited to perform at the MTV Music Awards.

  Back to Rihanna still marching around on the streets, and people tromping along to somewhere that requires them to bring percussion instruments. Brief shot of what might be Jason Castro from that one season of American Idol where questionable people made it really far. (Oh wait, that would be all of them.) Jason is just carrying a set of drumsticks, without the drums, so maybe he didn’t read the whole email.

  At some point, Rihanna decides that she really loves a particular stretch of chain-link fence, so she proceeds to cootchie up to it and rub body parts on the metal to show that she’s hot for things that keep people away from her. Except for Drake. More inserts of Rihanna and Drake fondling each other’s fine couture and acting like they can’t live, if living is without some slap and tickle.

  Rihanna sings the amazing line: “Every door that you enter, I will let you in.” First, if he’s already entered, then whether or not you want him to enter is a moot point. Second, you nasty. (To underscore this point, we have a quick shot of Rihanna from behind, wearing short shorts so tight that I’m surprised her love box isn’t waving a white flag.)

  More people walking with drums. They really need to resolve this angle of the story. How many times can you see people jaywalking with modified things that you can beat on?

  Montage of Rihanna and that hair from various angles. And more shots of Drake trying to score him some Umbrella Ella. Lots of shots. With no actual scoring. Dude needs to carry through or get out, know what I’m sayin?

  And finally, we get to where all these drum people were heading. It appears to be one of the portals to Hell, so I don’t really know if this is a good thing. But folks don’t seem to mind, especially Rihanna. While most of the party happily beats on drums, Rihanna takes advantage of yet another opportunity to gyrate in her skimpy outfit. In fact, she marches to the center of the gathering so we can clearly see that she is wearing some badly-manufactured pantyhose. This inspires the drummers to beat even harder, so I guess nobody cares about quality craftsmanship anymore, as long as there’s a rhythm that they can follow.

  Pointless shot of Rihanna and Drake eating Chinese takeout, followed by a shot of Rihanna hitting Drake with a pillow, because that’s super sexy.

  And we close things out with a montage of Rihanna and Drake not really having sex, Rihanna still in love with metal fencing, Rihanna still in love with hair that could help a plane land, Jason Castro pounding on drums at the entrance to Satan’s lair, Rihanna straddling that plastic chair in a blouse that somebody forgot to finish making, and another cameo from Rihanna’s nails, clutching Drake’s hand in a firm grip indicating that Drake will probably not get to spend the night.

  Final shot is of Drake leaning in to do something with his mouth to Rihanna’s ear. Based on her expression, it doesn’t matter what he does. Nobody gets to stay in a Rihanna video any longer than she wants them to…


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