We start out with
Rihanna shimmying about in front of some tree-bush thing. She’s sporting lots
of that body makeup where her skin sparkles like she got a finger caught in an
electrical outlet, and she’s performing a dance that seems to be based on the fact
that her breasts are fighting desperately to escape the pretty but
functionally-questionable dress that she is wearing. There’s a nice breeze
blowing that gently caresses all of her various body parts as they compete
against one another to get our attention.
Eventually we
switch to Rihanna and an unnamed male companion cavorting in a spotlight that
is being splashed on a grey wall. (They didn’t spend a whole lot of time on the
set design for this bit.) Rihanna is showcasing a new outfit (something about
tight blue-jean cutoffs and eye shadow) and a new dance that involves rubbing
against the back and buttocks of her little friend before dropping to the
ground on all fours and searching for her water bowl. (The camera catches the
guy staring at Rihanna like he really didn’t expect this type of behavior when
he innocently picked her up to go get some sushi.)
We jump again,
this time to some place where there’s lots of pink and purple lighting, and a
random stylist has made the decision to pile all of Rihanna’s copious hair on
top of her head in a sort of poofy, curly bun that is bigger than some planets.
(I would imagine that this hair-piling process was a major operation, and that
the production team had to hire some extra contractors just for this scene.)
She’s accompanied by another male companion, or possibly the same one, who
seems really invested in waving his arms around so that they reflect the pretty
lights in different directions.
We zip back to
Cutoffs Rihanna in that spotlight, where she has modified her choreography to
include energetic movements that make her hair whirl about like she’s
helicoptering troops to a secret deployment site. Sidekick Dude has been
instructed to clutch at Rihanna’s body in a manner that allows his head to be
positioned dangerously close to her hoo-hoo. There appears to be a very
interesting story here, perhaps we’ll get to the details in a bit.
But first we
check back in with Green-Dress Rihanna as she continues her advertisement for
body cosmetics and whips her really fancy earrings about with complete abandon.
(Operation Breast Escape update, for those keeping score: the twins are still
bravely fighting for liberation, but the dress is apparently made out of some
miracle fiber that manages to keep the detainees in lockup.)
And now we’re off
to another location and another outfit, where Rihanna and four of her horny
male posse are doing a line dance that involves arm-waving and baseball caps.
In the background, we can see what might be giant ice cubes with their own
internal power source that allows them to be lit-up and sparkly like Liberace
forgot to put his cufflinks away. I’m sure we’ll be seeing more of those
things, because you don’t spend obvious cash on set pieces and only allow them
to be in one brief scene.
Over to
Pink-Lighting Rihanna, where she and her hair have wandered into a House of
Mirrors, creating an army of Rihannas wearing high heels and a backless
jumpsuit. Seeing herself reflected that many times has gotten Rihanna even more
lusty than usual, and she proceeds to rub her booty on as many surfaces as
possible and do more of that crawling around on her hands and knees business.
(Meanwhile, her little companion is enjoying his own set of mirrors, writhing
around and loving his own bad self while still managing to keep his sunglasses
in place.)
I guess the two
of them are really enjoying this part of the shoot, so we spend a lot of time
watching them frolic and undulate while those samples from the old-school Soft
Cell song are blaring from the speakers. But even the hardcore fans can take
only so much of this symbolic masturbation, so we cut to another scene and
outfit, this one involving Rihanna dancing with some other ladies who have
discovered the joys of smearing glitter on your skin and then cavorting in
places where the wind blows your hair just right.
All of these
lovely lasses have libidos that completely control their bodies, because that’s
some sort of requirement in a Rihanna video, so of course they immediately
engage in a line dance that allows them to leap about like somebody sprinkled
paprika in their panties, as if they were wearing any. While they are doing
that, we revisit Green-Dress Rihanna to confirm that the chesty inmates are
still trying to jump the walls of the penitentiary.
Now it’s time for
the inevitable product placement, so we have Rihanna wearing Capri pants and
fiddling with a Nokia phone whilst she relaxes on a leather lounger. It seems
that this is a very special phone that you simply must have, because exploring
all the high-tech features of the device can apparently cause you to have
instantaneous multiple orgasms, based on the way Rihanna is arching her back
and curling her toes in complete ecstasy.
As if that wasn’t
enough excitement, we head back to the room with the spotlight and the boring
grey wall, so that Rihanna and all of her various dance partners can perform
solos while the ever-present wind whips across the soundstage. The main motifs
with this bit of tag-team shimmying seem to include touching your head
repeatedly and trying to hump the wind that never stops blowing. Then we jump
back to Pink Rihanna in the House of Mirrors, where she is now invested in
doing lots of sultry maneuvers that showcase the fact that she is very limber
and has legs strong enough to snap your head right off.
Then we head over
to that room with the giant electric ice cubes (I knew we were going to be
seeing more of those things) where the whole gang has gathered for more
choreography and hormonal release. We kick things off with a drill-team routine
where the camera runs down the line of anonymous dancers and allows everyone to
perform a signature move that will hopefully transform their careers from
“hip-thrusting guy #7” to international megastar. This doesn’t immediately
happen, from what I can tell, but you never know.
Of course, this
is really all about Rihanna in the end, so we quickly kick off a montage of
Rihanna twirling and kicking in that one spotlight, including some fancy
dual-screen imagery in case just one Rihanna is not enough for you to make it
through the day. This sets up the grand finale, where Rihanna is hoisted on top
of one of the electric ice cubes so she and two of her closest dance partners
can perform an energetic ménage a trois based on the insistent beat of the
song, with Rihanna’s odd pantyhose (or possible henna tattoos) serving as the
centerpiece of the action.
After a brief
return to Pink Rihanna and her beau loving themselves in front of the pleasure
mirrors, we close things out back where we started, with Green-Dress Rihanna
sparkling in front of the tropical foliage whilst the last few after-tremors of
her Nokia orgasm work their way out of her system. For the records, it appears
that the prison uprising has been quelled and the naughty prisoners are still
locked in their dual cells…
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