Kings of Leon - "Use Somebody"

  Okay, we start off in some penthouse living room thing where people are watching…

  Whoops, now we’re not there anymore. Suddenly, we’re in some type of aircraft and the pilot is either drunk or just very confused as we zip in and around tall buildings in a large city. Then we start seeing jump cuts of the band getting ready for either a show or some type of therapy. You never know with these music types. One day you have a hit single on the radio and virgins are professing their undying love because they have focus issues, the next day you’re in rehab and preparing for your guest role on the latest series about “what happens to people who make a lot of money too fast”.

  Quick shot of a shirtless somebody lying on some floor. Hey, where are his legs?

  More crazy flying through the city night. Brief shot of a half-naked couple being intimate. If the producers are taking audience-participation votes, I’d say we ixnay the “Top Gun” action and remain on the ground, even if it means more footage of people we don’t know on the verge of procreating.

  Finally, the flying and the music settles down and we get to the opening vocals. We have a tight close-up on the lead singer’s face, which is supposed to signify that he’s very emotional and really into these words. It’s very soothing after the loud craziness of the first thirty or so seconds, but I won’t be surprised if we’re suddenly back on Air Force One and Harrison Ford has to do something very heroic at just the right time or we all die.

  Then we start jump-cutting again, and we’re bouncing back and forth between the crazy plane and people sitting around in the penthouse living room. Still not sure what those penthouse people are doing. It’s very dark and they look bored. Maybe if they turned on some lights they could see enough to realize that their party host sucks when it comes to planning a festive evening.

  Okay, now they’re cutting in brief shots of a concert, so it’s about time for the big blow-out on stage that most of these videos eventually get to. (So far, you can’t really call this the most original video ever created, but at the same time, most of these videos are “directed by” and “produced by” people who don’t know a single thing about artistry and musicianship, so they go into management, just like the real world.)

  And then we have the big “jamming on the stage” sequence just as the wailing chorus kicks in. The camera is all over the place, naturally, to create excitement. Otherwise, it’s just people standing there with instruments, and with today’s attention-deficit society you have to have excitement and movement or many folks just doze off due to their medication.

  Shot of people at what looks like a clinic, with guys hugging each other as they’ve apparently just heard positive test results concerning something. Or maybe they just like excuses to hug. It’s not my place to judge.

  Now the band is at some bar, where people are playing pool and smoking an incredible amount of cigarettes. Oh, and drinking beer. They keep love-tapping their bottles together so we don’t miss the beer part. And they’re playing foosball as well. We seem to be having a party in 1978.

  Back to the actual concert footage, which is mostly in black and white, so somebody was at least trying to be a little artistic. Those guys REALLY like doing the wailing chorus bit, which is fine. It’s the best part of the song, and if we’d all participated in the beer consumption in the previous scene, we’d be wailing as well. And maybe even hugging.

  More jump cuts. Bar scenes with beer bottles, people getting in a snazzy red car, more intimacy, another shot of the people celebrating test results at the clinic. Or maybe they’re praying, not really sure. And now the snazzy car is racing around town. These people have a thing for speed and blurry lights.

  Jump cuts continue. Shot of the desert at night, some dude doing push ups, more intimacy. Whoa, some guy in the shower, didn’t see that coming. More speeding and blurriness. Close-up of a guitar being played. Then we have some guy in his underwear, because who can pass up a shot like that? That will be all over the Internet within seconds, with less-endowed people using it as their profile pic on skeezy dating sites where everybody lies because horniness makes you do stupid things.

  This montage continues for a while. Blurring. Intimacy. People salting something. And we can see that the bored people in the penthouse are still bored and we don’t know why they can’t just get up and go somewhere fun. Has somebody issued a restraining order that is forcing these folks to be in the same room even though they clearly don’t want to be?

  Finally, the music all dies down and the lead singer is emoting the final lines of the song. Love his interesting voice, but it sure looks like it is physically painful for him to sing these words, his face all scrunched-up and such, like Nellie Oleson on “Little House on the Prairie” when she and her horrid hair didn’t get her way.

  Maybe he should go visit that clinic where people get test results that make them happy. I’m sure somebody there can help. Or at least give him a hug….

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

Katy Perry - "Hot N Cold"

So we start out at a church wedding, where Katy is about to get married. The music hasn't started yet, so we're not yet sure if this is supposed to be arty or if someone forgot to turn the sound on. But one of the bridesmaids is a drag queen, so I'm thinking things will perk up in a bit.

Katy, looking innocent and glowing, says her "I do". Then it's time for her beau to make his commitment. There's a very long pause, reaction shots of concerned people around the church, even the little flower girl is looking at him like, dude, YOUR TURN.

When it's clear that he's not going to answer, the music finally kicks in and the whole church starts to boogie as Katy breaks out into song. So we go through the whole first part of the song, with Katy dissing the scumbag who was her true beloved just two minutes ago.

We get to the chorus as the beau breaks free and runs down the aisle, not so much that he's afraid of Katy but more that he wants to get away from old people trying to break dance. Katy clearly isn't finished with her song, so she has no choice but to chase after him.

As Katy and the giant bow she is wearing clatters along behind him, the beau turns a corner and slams into a man dressed as a hot dog. I don't know what message was intended by this little mishap, but I'm glad it happened. People dressed as food are creepy, and they should be knocked to the ground whenever possible.

Katy realizes she's getting nowhere fast in her pinchy high heels, so she steals a pink bike conveniently left near the violated hot dog man. She catches up to her beau as he slips in the back door of some building. (There are no signs to indicate where we are, so either the budget was very low or the prop people were drunk again.)

Turns out the beau has come upon a concert, and the people in the audience immediately grab him and crowd surf him toward the stage. Where Katy is magically on stage, singing more of the song. The wedding dress is gone, and she's now decked out in some retro-80's vinyl and metal gear. We keep getting close-up shots of Katy's waist. No idea why.

Time for the chorus again, and now we're in a garage of some kind. Katy's back in her wedding dress, along with a bunch of backup dancers dressed as brides. They all have really runny mascara and are waving baseball bats in time to the beat. While Katy stands in a car, the dancers do some crappy dance moves involving the bats and a lot of finger pointing.

Then they all converge on the beau, and Katy sings in his face while the dancers march in a big circle around them, making what looks like rude hand gestures expressing displeasure. Obviously nobody lost any sleep over whether this choreography made any sense.

Whoa, now the bride dancers have also found some convenient pink bikes, and everybody is riding one, looking all demonic and wobbly, barrelling toward the beau. He runs for his life, but suddenly stops to answer his cell phone. Like all of us would do when being chased by angry estrogen on wheels.

It's Katy, determined to sing more of her song. I guess home boy gets streaming video on his phone, because there she is in living color, wailing away in her runny mascara. (Katy does her best acting here, really loved the hand motion during the "roller coaster" line. As for the beau's acting? I've seen better emotion from a crock pot.)

He finally hangs up, runs some more, then turns a corner onto a sound stage that's supposed to look like, I don't know, a not-so-classy playground in the Bronx. But hey, all the dancers are having fun here, dressed in street gear and doing lots of pop-and-lock moves.

Then all hell breaks loose as we start jump-cutting all over the place. The bride dancers show back up, doing something stupid in a V-formation. Then we have some crazed hula-hooping little girls and more 80's girls on roller skates. More shots of the strange concert and Katy's belly.

Everybody seems to be having a great time, I'll give them that. I believe the director just said "okay, now I want you to do whatever you think looks hip and rhythmic, and smile a lot like you just got the government check." And do they ever.

The song ends with somebody rudely knocking the beau to the ground. He looks up to find Katy wearing lots of eye shadow and leading a zebra toward him while a rainbow fills the sky behind her. I'm sure this means something. I'll have to get back to you.

Then we're back in the church, where everyone is actually still waiting for the beau to say his "I do." Of course he says it, and the whole church cheers. Because now she's HIS problem and we can all get on with our lives.


Editor's Note:  This is another one of those slightly-older videos where the version I reviewed is no longer available on YouTube, at least not in a decent-quality clip. Sort of makes you wonder why these people play copyright games with each other instead of letting the fans enjoy the videos. Sad, really...

Lifehouse - "Whatever It Takes"

Okay, so we start out with lots of cut shots showing mundane things you would see in a typical apartment: pictures on the wall, cooking essentials, a bag of chips, a microwave. No real clues yet on where we might be heading. The lead singer is sitting in a bedroom.

Then suddenly the lead singer is strumming his guitar while surrounded by a variety of table lamps. Are they doing a benefit concert at Pottery Barn? He's not even singing yet and I don't know what's going on.

Then we get better views of the apartment, and the theme is industrial, concentration camp, and creepy. Okay, this song is about him doing whatever it takes to keep somebody, and I'm gonna have to say the first item on the checklist should be hire a designer that knows how to use color.

He finally starts singing, and we jump back and forth from Stalag 17 to the Pottery Barn concert to Free Tibet. What is the obsession with accent lighting?

Then he breaks into the chorus, and suddenly the pictures on the wall and various other objects around the bedroom start exploding into bits. What the hell?

Finally the apparently deadly chorus ends, and the lead singer moves into the kitchen. (We get close-ups of his grunge-booted feet actually walking, not sure why.) He paws the kitchen counter, and then fiddles with a picture of him and some girl, and I'm assuming she's the object of his affection. (Gotta say the girl is right to have reservations about the relationship, especially now that we know his singing can cause destruction.)

And there he goes with the chorus again, and all kinds of crap is blowing up all over the kitchen. Cheerios flying, milk gushing, condiments all in a tizzy. I'm really starting to hate this chorus. People could die.

And more shots of him playing his guitar with the pottery barn lamps. Okay, symbolism can be fun and interesting. Confusion is just... confusion.

Oh wait, now he's singing again, and all of the things that previously exploded all over the apartment are miraculously reassembling themselves and everything is all pretty again.

Then he's back in the bedroom, and the girl from the kitchen picture is slumbering peacefully behind him while he sits on the end of the bed. He reaches over and wakes her up (rude, dude). She beams up at him, they hold hands, and the lead singer turns back to the camera and looks happy and satisfied.

Loved that final shot, touching. But everything up to that point? What the hell?


Editor's Note: This is the place where you would normally click to see the video on YouTube, but for some odd reason you can no longer find the original video that I reviewed. No idea what happened, but I'm guessing there was some type of litigation and a copyright holder got pushy. You'll just have to do the visuals in your head...