Foster The People - “Pumped Up Kicks”

  Note: Another mix of concert footage and random scenes of people and food, so we’ll do the timestamp thing…

0:03  Man falls out of sky and crashes into lake. This is probably symbolic of Rick Perry’s chances of becoming President.

0:08  One of the band members is being attacked by a laser-wielding robot in the distance.

0:17  Enthusiastic fan is missing part of her top, doesn’t care.

0:19  Nearby restaurant is totally empty. Making mental note to avoid.

0:24  Startling appearance of Capri pants.

0:27  Robot still pissed.

0:31  Cubbie drives getaway car after incident at convenience store.

0:36  Band members not sure if this is the right bus stop.

0:44  Cubbie very pleased with his choice of black shirt.

0:45  Something about a snapping turtle.

0:50  Capri redux.

0:56  Mark violates sea creature, feels no remorse.

0:58  Tennis shoe given walk-on part, ends up in credits.

1:06  Cubbie performs magic trick with vague purpose.

1:12  Confusion over where the camera might actually be.

1:16  Abandoned latte weeps pitifully.

1:28  Overdue for potty break.

1:34  Still looking for that camera.

1:38  Gratuitous shot of water.

1:44  Crowd scene involving darkness and possible sweating.

1:47  Possible blurry image of Elvis, fueling rumors once again.

1:52  Lone member of audience is still very dedicated.

2:01  Possible fornication with keyboard. Discuss.

2:09  Overuse of moisturizer.

2:19  New dance craze sweeps nation, dubbed “Bow-legged Bebop”.

2:22  Nun escapes from monastery, becomes street walker.

2:29  Robot is still way back there, proof of issue with motor skills. Danger element diminishes.

2:36  Cool shades accent cultivation of mustache.

2:39  Lost episode of… Lost.

2:40  Desperate resistance fighters attack enemy with flattened bombs.

2:48  Band member locates missing jockstrap from eighth grade, celebrates.

2:53  Another politician stumbles during Republican debate.

3:03  Whistling makes your head heavy.

3:07  Dreams of becoming a star on Broadway briefly resurface, alcohol most likely the culprit.

3:09  Recovered jockstrap proves to be a bit binding.

3:18  Creative attempt to put on shoes receives low performance numbers from judges.

3:22  Tree.

3:28  Over-exuberant smile hides dark secret about stolen French fries.

3:31  For medicinal purposes, of course.

3:37  It is apparently very important that somebody get something done right now.

3:45  Crowd mistakenly thinks they are in Pamplona, waits for signal to start running.

3:51  Signal is given.

4:01  This is why you don’t ride around in open convertibles, people. Bugs.

4:10  Whoops, guess that robot finally made it here. Pain ensues.


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Thompson Square - “Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not”

  We start out with Keifer and Shawna strolling around some Charleston-like city, when they suddenly decide it would be a lot of fun to stand in front of somebody’s house, blocking the garden gate while they start warbling the song. This little bit of civil disobedience is intercut with shots of another shiny, happy couple doing summer things like stare at the ocean while slowly getting hot for one another.

  Keifer and Shawna finally walk away from the stranger’s house (possibly due to a court order, but this is not explained), and they now proceed to wander neighborhoods and admire the lovely old homes. (But really, the main attraction here is Shawna’s multi-colored hair, piled on her head in a modified bouffant that could provide shelter for a family of four.) We also get more shots of the increasingly-lusty other couple, but we’re already starting to not care about them since they aren’t really doing anything interesting.

  Next up, we’re in one of those old houses. Or maybe it’s a church, who knows, some place that I sure couldn’t afford on my salary. Keifer is busy making sure that we can see his cute little hat, while Shawna is alternately snooping around in the garden and standing on this balcony thing so the sunlight can come in the window just right and make her hair sparkle even more. (She could probably even help planes land by this point.)

  I guess they get kicked out of that place as well, because we’re suddenly at a merry-go-round somewhere at night. (Nothing says “relationship” like riding fake horses in an endless circle, right?) There’s yet another couple falling in love, canoodling over the horses’ heads, but we don’t really know them and basically don’t care.

  Brief shot of a pretty lighthouse, and then we’re at the beach at sunset, with Shawna totally not looking out of place in her frilly goth-girl outfit. (Keifer still loves his little hat, in case you were keeping track.) They sing for a while, which apparently terrifies some of the other beach-goers because we get shots of random people running away on the sand. (Or maybe running is now a sign of appreciation at impromptu concerts these days, haven’t been to one in a while.)

  Then we have a nice montage, showing all the beautiful people and places that we’ve already seen, followed by Shawna and Keifer at the top of the lighthouse. (Maybe the light burned out and somebody asked Shawna to use her hair to signal ships at sea?) Another montage kicks off, this one involving more beach scenes, with more people that we don’t know splashing in the water and obviously not having to work for a living like the rest of us.

  We start to close things out with Shawna and Keifer on the beach at night, still singing the song so I’m sure they’re really tired by now. We quickly run through all the couples we’ve met, all of them smooching away, so we now have an official answer to the question in the song title. Final scene is of Shawna and Kiefer back on top of the lighthouse, lips locked while the cameraman does some fancy work with his lens.

  Far out at sea, a ship blows its horn, thanking Shawna for lighting the way home….


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JoJo - “Disaster”

  We start out with JoJo leaning against a nondescript wall, with an expression that either indicates quiet reflection or the possibility that she might be about to do something really rude and most likely criminal. Then we cut to her with the band, and JoJo is doing something with her hair that apparently makes her sing better, and she approaches the microphone.

  Then we start to jump around, with JoJo and a possible boyfriend having a very good time on a couch, probably because her fingernails have been painted a rather exciting shade of green. Next we hop over to a motorcycle shop, where JoJo and friend show us that there are indeed many different ways to ride a bike. Throughout it all we keep going back to JoJo leaning against that wall, so she must really like that wall a lot.

  Uh oh, we’re back in the motorcycle place, and apparently boyfriend has just done or said something unsatisfactory, because JoJo is marching away from him with a look that he probably won’t be getting a Christmas card this year. In typical male fashion, the guy and his buddies jump on their bikes and ride away instead of staying put and trying to figure out how they might be able to mature a little bit.

  But I guess the relationship isn’t completely over, because now we have JoJo and GuyGuy in an apartment, with J doing something with a guitar while G seems to be yelling about something else. JoJo decides to just put on her headphones, so maybe nobody is willing to make this thing work out, which of course irritates GuyGuy and he decides to destroy some glassware. I’m thinking if it’s this bad when you’re young and pretty, what are you going to do when you both get old and wrinkly?

  GuyGuy stomps off, leaving JoJo to take off her headphones and look really disappointed about life, but at least she’s getting some great material for her next album. But I guess this isn’t enough compensation, since JoJo decides to follow GuyGuy out of their building and continue the heated discussion in public. GuyGuy does not seem to be pleased about having an entourage right at this moment.

  Cut to JoJo and that wall, where she’s become really invested in the song, using aggressive hand gestures and making faces that you normally see during childbirth. Then we zip back to the bickering couple, with GuyGuy stomping off again and JoJo clutching at her face and looking distraught, despite the really cute Daisy Duke outfit that she is wearing.

  More shots of JoJo and her impressive hair singing with the band. She sure seems to be smiling a lot even though she’s supposedly emotionally wrecked, so I guess singing really does make you feel a little better about bad choices in your life. She bellows some really strong notes for a while, then we start getting glimpses of her somewhere else, walking around with what might be a jean jacket.

  She eventually walks up to GuyGuy and hands him the jacket. As he takes it, we notice that his arm is bandaged, but nobody explains to us if JoJo managed to beat the hell out of him at some point or if he just misunderstood how hot an exhaust pipe can really get. Then she either whispers in or tongues his ear, then she turns and walks away. Judging by the expression on GuyGuy’s face, he doesn’t seem to know what she did, either.

  More of JoJo and her beloved wall.

  We wind it up with JoJo continuing to walk away, so it really must be a long way to the door out of this place, more of JoJo and the band helping make music heal a world troubled by breakups and long lines at Starbucks, and flashbacks to all the domestic violence scenes that would normally lead to police intervention, but in the magical world of music videos, you just pick up a microphone and everything is instantly better…


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