Kesha - "Tik Tok"

So we start out with some skeezy-looking girl waking up in a bathtub, not really sure where she’s at, but this does not stop her from quickly using one of the anonymous toothbrushes on the sink to “brush my teeth with a bottle of jack.” Then she waves her ghetto-painted toenails in front of the camera and then slips on a pair of cowboy boots and little else.

So right away we know we’re dealing with a quality kind of girl, here. Top drawer. Or should I say top shelf?

Then she marches out of the bathroom with some swagger going on, and she quickly jacks with some pictures of a nice family that are hanging on the walls, so we can understand that she really doesn’t care about anybody or anything, but I think we understood that starting with the “waking up in the bathtub” bit.

Then she wanders down a flight of stairs in the house, singing about “boys blowing up my phone” and “trying to get a little bit tipsy”. Little bit? Honey, you look like you left “little bit” about five miles back.

She wanders into a breakfast room, where the family from the hanging pictures she violated is just trying to get some nutrition and worship Jesus. Her appearance causes the mom to drop a plate of pancakes, so we know that we clearly have the work of the devil going on here.

Skanky girl then sashays outside and steals a bicycle blinged-out in gold, because we all know you can always find such handy things out in the suburbs. Skank then rides the bling over to a group of wholesome kids who just want to play with balloons, but Skank convinces them that you really need a pimped-out ride if you’re going to make it anywhere in this world.

Then we have Skank looking all trashy while sitting on a curb in front of some wall, while she sings (if you can call it singing) about how all the boys want her because “I’ve already got beer and I’m already here.” Then some dudes drive up and pile out, having heard about the beer, and they all look like “beer” is the longest word they can spell.

But Skank is fine with that, and quickly jumps in the car with the most redneck of the posse, and they take off, driving around. Skank starts singing about “don’t touch my junk,” but this is a little hard to do when Skank is bouncing and thrusting her junk from here to Encino. Sooner or later the sheer gravitational pull of the Earth will result in some junk-touching.

Then the po-po pull the two over, and at first it doesn’t look good as Skank is thrown over the hood of the pimp-mobile and forced into a pair of handcuffs. Of course, this is done in a slutty way so that we basically see Skank’s junk that she’s been singing about all along.

Next thing you know, Skank and Redneck are zipping along the highways again, so either the po-po are really bad at their job, or they’re dead. This is never made clear. What IS clear is that Skank is able to party in the Redneck’s car by standing up through the sunroof and bouncing her ta-ta’s around in a psychotic frenzy. Skank also makes a lot of hand gestures to clarify that she is really proud of herself, in case you hadn’t figure that out yet.

Then, suddenly, the car is gone, and Skank is in some weird, stone-walled room where she appears to be wearing animal fur (PETA alert!) while little bits of something sprinkle down around her. She’s waving her hands around above her head like a really bad witch doctor that forgot to read the training manual.

This goes on for a while. They bring in a wind machine, and let Skank lie on her back and thrust her feet into the air, which I guess means that Skank is aroused by wind, stone walls, chunky confetti and the ability to raise her arms and wave them about.

Then we’re transported to a nightclub, where Skank informs us that “the party don’t start till I walk in.” Really? And what party is that? I’d like to know, so that I can make sure I never go there.

Skank dances all over this place, with her messy hair and runny mascara. We know it’s a real quality establishment, because people are drinking their adult beverages from plastic red cups, always a sign that no expense has been spared. The loser redneck from the run-in with the po-po (who might be dead, we don’t know) is in the club, so I guess Skank is a little sweet on him, even though she keeps singing about how there won’t be any junk-touching.

She keeps dancing. And as she gyrates around and we get a better look at this place, I’m seeing things that make me wonder if this is just somebody’s living room. There’s a mid-80’s ceiling fan and some very ugly couches. What was the budget on this video, anyway?

Lots more dancing and runny mascara, with Skank eventually working her way to the redneck and possibly offering her junk after all. Then some more clunky confetti falls down while people pass out around them.

Final scene shows Skank, trashed and missing some footwear, giggling in a bathtub and settling in for another night. She’s picked up an American flag somewhere, which she’s using as a sweatband or some such on her right ankle. Such a touch of class. Then she presumably goes into an alcoholic coma.

Good gawd.

Parents, send your girls to strict boarding schools with plenty of barbed-wire and severe nuns that resort to beating people with rulers. It’s got to have better results than this….


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Jay-Z, Alicia Keys - "Empire State of Mind"

This little ditty is a tribute to living in New York City, so we’re basically treated to a montage of iconic landmarks and sights in the Big Apple, while Jay-Z raps about what the city does and how it changes you. But there’s an entirely different story playing out if you know how to interpret certain scenes.

We start out with shots of various buildings and street signs while the music warms up, then Jay-Z finally begins to sing in front of some building that I don’t recognize. But it must be important to him since standing in front of the thing made him burst into a rap.

Then he’s suddenly standing on a street corner, comparing himself to Frank Sinatra and making hand gestures that might possibly have deep symbolic meaning, or it might be that he just always wanted to be a traffic cop. There’s not any traffic, though. Since he’s supposedly in the middle of NYC and yet there’s not a car in sight, this is obviously a dream sequence.

Then some shout-outs to the subway, Biggie Smalls, some guy from Texas, basketball, and the apparent fact that Jay-Z is the most famous person in the world. Then the music gets a little more dramatic and suddenly we have aerial shots as we zoom over the city. It’s apparently time for a major change in the story.

And it turns out to be Alicia Keys. She’s on a street corner, wailing the chorus and pounding on a really cool piano. This thing has the New York skyline around the sides and the Statue of Liberty on top. Very nice.

But she doesn’t have a bench to sit on while working the piano, which is kind of rude. You’d think they’d have money in the budget for furniture, especially when it involves a guest star. Poor thing.

More aerial shots of the city , which I’m now starting to think mean “we really weren’t sure what to use here, so we’ll use this nice stock footage we found.”

Back to Alicia at the piano, where she’ still wailing and still doesn’t have a place to sit. This time, there’s a suspicious white van driving slowly to her right. Does the Liberace estate need the piano back? Just then, Alicia really gets her groove on and starts making this rocking movement while she’s playing, which is enjoyable and all, but she keeps looking in the wrong place for the camera, so there are some focus issues.

Now Jay-Z is back, rapping about the Yankees and the NYPD, with appropriate still shots of both. In the middle of all that is a shot of Spike Lee. I don’t know if this means he’s a big Yankees fan as well or if he’s in trouble with the NYPD for NOT doing the right thing.

Then Jay-Z kicks up the rapping, starting to really let loose with a ton of words while Alicia tries gyrating faster and faster at the piano to keep up. Some of the words in this section were annoyingly bleeped in the video version that I reviewed, so there might be something lost in translation, but Jay-Z sure knows a lot of names for taxi cabs and things that can be sold on the streets.

Brief shot of what appears to be a pregnant man, with an expression that indicates he just broke water while stepping off a curb. This is followed by Jay-Z with a whole lot of words that were not bleeped but I didn’t understand a single one of them. I think I heard “Jesus“ in there, so perhaps Jay-Z was spreading the gospel, not sure.

And here comes Alicia with the chorus again, and this time she’s joined on the street corner by Jay-Z and his hand movements. But the piano is gone. See, you turn your back for two seconds in this city and people take things.

During the “these streets will make you feel brand new” part of the chorus, Alicia starts bucking her hips like she’s got a really bad itch. Apparently “brand new” equals “horny” in Alicia’s world. She looks good, and the hair is rockin, but honey, take care of that itch.

Then Jay-Z is in a high-rise office with a view, looking all Ivy League. Based on the words, he’s letting people know that this city can turn you, so be careful with your life choices. Interestingly enough, all of the images during this part of the song are women, and the words are all about women going bad and turning into whores. Not a peep about what the men can turn into. Hmm.

Chorus again. This time Alicia and Jay-Z are gyrating around on a giant staircase lit up with red lights. (Are they warning lights? Is Alicia about to get turned bad by the city?) No, guess not, the two of them are just waving their hands in the air like they just don’t care how much something costs anymore. Woo hoo!

More aerial shots. (More “not sure what to put here”.)

Hey, the piano’s suddenly back, and Alicia’s singing something besides just the chorus. And she has quite a bit to say, along with lots of choreography and hair swinging. Still no bench, though.

Then it’s the chorus again. We haven’t heard from Jay-Z in a while. We’ve had a few glimpses of him making those hand movements and watching Alicia do things with her pelvis. But really, Alicia’s been doing more singing than him. Shouldn’t this be an Alicia Keys song featuring Jay-Z? I really don’t know what the rules are, here. Just asking.

And after the final chorus, we’re back on the giant lit-up staircase, with both of them doing some hand moves and then Jay-Z throws his arm around Alicia while she assumes what she hopes is a street pose, but really looks like something Salt N Pepa did back in the day. Jay-Z raises one hand in the air in what might be a victory sign or some type of fight the power gesture, but really looks like “this is how you stand on the subway”.

Moral of the story? If you move to New York City, be prepared for it to change your life, make sure you bring your own bench because nobody is going to just give you one, keep an eye on your piano, and make sure your agent fully understands the extent of your singing responsibilities before you sign anything. Word.


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Lady Gaga - "Bad Romance"

Holy cow this is a busy video. So let’s get going…

We start out with all these freaky-looking people in a white room. For those of you who know movie history, think Stanley Kubrick’s “Eyes Wide Shut” crossed with any movie that Ken Russell ever directed. No one looks very happy but that’s not stopping them from posing artfully…

We zoom in on Gaga, and I do mean zoom in. You can almost see France, if you know what I’m saying. The camera closes in on her fingers with weird chicken-wire nail polish as she pushes a button on this thing, and then all hell breaks loose.

First we have several shots of these odd pod things (maybe tanning beds? incubators for the Gaga army that is about to take over the world?) mixed with shots of alcohol bottles. Then a helpful title appears explaining that this is the “Bath Haus of Gaga”. Really? I never even want to go there and I’ve only seen ten seconds of it. Please take me off your mailing list. Thanks.

The pods open, and hoo boy, some surprising little things crawl out. They’re human, thankfully, but they appear to be sheathed in white latex. Even their faces are covered and the top of their heads have white spiky things. They start to line dance, with Lady as the lead dancer, which I guess you would naturally do when exiting a pod at the Gaga Bath Haus. No telling where this is going now.

Oh, looks like we’re going to a bathtub, where Lady is sporting an Annie Lennox on acid hairdo and proving that she is very limber by basically throwing her leg over her head. We also have another room where Lady is dressed in black and singing to herself in a mirror, with a black spiky hat that sort of matches the dancing pod people. So she’s a bad pod person?

Now we cut between the three: the line-dancing white pod people, the Lady that just wants to be clean, and the Lady that just wants to look at herself in a mirror (oh, and sort of play with her nether region just because she can). This goes on for a while.

Side note: the quick cut where Bathtub Lady is looking off to the side and then rolls her head forward and does the thing with her eyes? Totally wild, and possibly my favorite bit in this video crammed full of images designed to impress you with the fact that Lady Gaga’s life is obviously way more exciting than your own.

Just as we kick into the chorus (I guess it’s the chorus. It’s hard to tell with Lady Gaga songs.) some rude women break in and try to drag Bathing Lady out of the bathtub. (She just wants to be clean, people, let her scrub the dirtiness away if she wants to.) She puts up a fight but they eventually get her out and tear off her blouse to show their displeasure with her actions.

Yes, Bathtub Gaga was bathing while clothed. Just accept and go on. To show HER displeasure with their rudeness and the rending of her garment, Lady then thrusts her breasts at the interlopers. This is now officially a catfight, so the rude women up the ante by forcing Bathtub Lady to drink some mysterious clear liquid.

In the mean time, we have another version of Lady Gaga, this one surprisingly free of avant garde outfits and accessories. And she’s acting all emo. Is this Vulnerable Gaga? Does such a thing exist? Is this a trick?

Okay, now we’ve got another Lady Gaga, or maybe this is one we’ve already seen, it’s getting very confusing. This one is sporting an outfit covered in graffiti. But rude go-go booted women rip it off of her, so maybe this is really Bathtub Gaga, since there were rude women in the bathtub scenes. Once the graffiti is gone, we see that this version of Gaga is sporting skimpy beaded thingies that really don’t cover much. Then the rude women pick her up and lug her to a group of men.

While Beaded Gaga and her cohorts suddenly start line-dancing for the men, we get shots of another Gaga, or maybe an extra, don’t know, who is nude, looking really anorexic, and I think she’s taking a shower, but I don’t really see any water. Whatever she’s doing, she’s very skinny.

Beaded Gaga and the Gaga-Ettes continue to line dance for the men, eventually ending up on their knees crawling toward the men while Gaga sings “I want your love.” That’s great for the self-esteem, crawl up to a group of men, begging for their love. Do these women realize they can actually vote these days?

Oh, it turns out that these men are actually bidding to “win” Lady Gaga, as we can see by the voting results on convenient laptops off to one side. (At first, I thought Lady Gaga was just obnoxiously showing her sky-rocketing profits. I had to rewind.) One of the guys apparently wins, but first the women have to do another line dance. Not sure why. Maybe it’s protocol.

It’s a long line dance. While this is going on, we get jump scenes of Lady Gaga in lots of other outfits. (The costume budget on this video must have been enormous.) We have Gaga in black bra and panties, standing still in a frozen spray of ice cubes while the camera circles. There’s Gaga in some type of metal gear where I think she’s explaining the solar system.

And then we have Gaga in this golden outfit that is totally out there, with a hairdo that looks like she has a loaf of bread shoved up in that mess and making her look like Gary Oldman in Francis Ford Coppola’s version of “Dracula”. My guess is that most of the fashion budget went right there.

Eventually we get to the part where Gaga has to go… sleep? trade outfits?… with the guy who bought her. And we start jump-cutting all over the place. We re-visit almost all of the Gaga’s, and there’s a new batch of line dancers, this time dressed in skimpy red but just as flexible as the other team.

As Purchased Gaga approaches the bed where the winner is waiting, she apparently uses her mystical powers to set the bed on fire. (I hope the poor guy bought the maintenance plan for this product as well, because I don‘t think the regular warranty is going to cover destruction of bedding.) The jump-cutting to all the Gaga’s intensifies, but mostly focuses on the red line dancers where Gaga has picked up yet another hairdo somewhere along the way.

Final scene has one of the Gaga’s (I have no idea) in the scorched bed. Her purchaser is just bones, but she seems to be fine other than her breasts appear to be short-circuiting. The camera slowly pans backwards while a snippet of classical music plays, yet another tribute to film-making, and another reminder that Lady Gaga is all about The Art.

Lesson learned? Take a bath at home. You’ll be glad you did. There’s no need to bathe in a public setting, because it will just lead to singing, dancing and death by fire.


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Pitbull - "I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)"

Okay, this IS Pitbull, after all, so you know this is going to be a series of hot women tripping over themselves to get to him, but we’ll try to find the artistic quality in it all, okay? Perhaps we can find the inner beauty and personal motivation for each of these lovely ladies. Let’s try that angle.

First we have a woman in a green and gold cheerleader outfit-thingy with yellow high heels. She’s apparently proud of Brasil and she wants to dance about her patriotism. This tribute includes running her fingers through her long hair and making seductive faces.

Insert Pitbull showing that he can count, looking all gangsta.

The cheerleader is back and she’s making out with the Brazilian flag. She loves her country.

Then we have another woman in what appears to be a black-leather airline pilot uniform. Her dance seems to indicate that when she grows up, she would like to help people fly around the world to see their loved ones. And she can count as well!

There are brief glimpses of a woman in some black spandex clingy outfit. We don’t really see enough of her to fully understand her aspirations in life, but she can wiggle her hips and pout her lips. I’m thinking there are a few careers where she can utilize those talents, so I’m sure she’ll be fine.

We also get a few shots of a woman in what I believe is called a “baby doll” dress. It probably has a fancier name. She doesn’t seem really interested in being in this video, not smiling or anything. She’s possibly been assigned the “hard to get” role, but she just looks bored.

Oh, look, they just did a tribute to the “Brady Bunch” with the hot women stacked in boxes like the opening of the TV show. That’s cute.

Then we have more of Pitbull acting street, counting, messing with a video camera, and allowing the hot women to touch him in suggestive ways while he stands there and looks disinterested.

Now we have a montage of so many women, I can’t even begin to profile them. They are mostly posing seductively in various states of undress, and making sure we understand that they have ample breasts. Duly noted.

Then there’s a woman in what I believe is a tinfoil two-piece bathing suit. She seems to be proud of several things. She can move her hips while disappearing off the top of the video, she has a tattoo leading into her butt crack, and she is able to face different directions and still maintain her balance.

And now we have biker chicks who really love their big machines. They happy to be ridin', yes they are.

Several scenes are beautifully done to help us understand that Pitbull greatly enjoys three-way sexual encounters. (With women, of course. There’s not another man in this entire video, just tons of busty women that could probably raise the Titanic with all the hydraulics they’ve got going on.)

Warning: Right about two and a half minutes in, a giant breast pokes in from the right side of the screen. It’s somewhat alarming and unexpected, so I thought I’d warn you.

More counting and confirmations that three-ways with women are greatly desired by bilingual rappers who shave their heads.

Wow, that one girl is REALLY oiled up. I hope she understands that she needs to stay away from open flames.

And the song fades away with more dancing, more women realizing their dreams, more limited counting, (Does anyone in this video realize that there are numbers higher than four? Do they have dances that are appropriate for those numbers as well?), and tons of buoyant anatomy saluting the manliness of Pitbull.

But really, folks, if you were just looking for an instructional video to teach your children the joys of counting, stick with Sesame Street. They’ll be better off.

Now, if I can just get that annoying “blah blah blah blah-blah PING” noise out of my head…


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