Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - “PonPonPon”

  Note: The first time I watched this thing it scared the hell out of me, seriously. There’s so much going on that they probably need to invent a new line of tranquilizers. But hey, I love a challenge, so let’s see if we can get through this one. Here goes…

  We start out with Kyary on a brightly-colored, toy-filled stage, wearing (among other things) a pair of skorts (maybe) with giant eyeballs. She’s striking some kind of pose that indicates either she really needs an unseen teacher to let her go to the bathroom or there was some type of trauma-inducing incident when she tried out for the pep squad. She holds this pose for long enough that we begin to wonder if she may have passed on.

  Then we get a close-up of somebody’s ear, where we are presented with the startling image of a blinged-out something (microphone stand? Boy George’s walking stick?) growing out of the anonymous ear. Cut to the next shot, with Kyary snatching this long thing out of the air and then beginning to sing into one end of the happy stick. I guess she’s used to receiving her audio equipment from unnatural places. I’m certainly not.

  As Kyary and her amazing outfit cutely warble the opening of the song, we start cutting to tight shots of all the various pieces of rainbow clutter piled all over the stage. (I don’t know why she needs all this stuff around her, but we all have our own personal issues and we really shouldn’t judge. Not at this point, anyway.) Off to one side is a little window where we can see some not-so-cute things flashing by, like human brains and chemical meltdowns. We should probably stay away from that little Drive-Thru of Death.

  We also get a quick shot of a giant box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, which will prove to be the only stable and comforting thing about this entire video. You might want to GPS the location of that giant box on your smart phone, because it will soon  be the only safe place to run when things get out of control.

  Still singing, Kyary performs some intense choreography which basically consists of her tapping one foot or another, waving her hands about like there was something unsettling in her oatmeal this morning, swinging the magic stick like a possible weapon, and making sure we can see her enormous pink plastic boots, which probably weigh more than she does.

  Then we get to the chorus. Oh dear God, the chorus.

  Kyary has changed into an outfit and makeup ensemble that is vaguely Geisha-like, with some mystifying fruit on her head, but her wardrobe is not the important thing at the moment. Instead, we can’t help but focus on the images of a woman that looks like Tyler Perry as Medea on Mescaline dancing in the background behind Kyary. She’s wearing some pink mess of a dress, sporting a white wig, and shimmying like somebody splashed rat poison on her panty shield. It’s mesmerizing. You. Can. Not. Look. Away.

  So, I don’t. Not for a long time, with whole chunks of the video flying by where I barely even glance at Kyary, despite her very energetic attempts to capture my attention with her perky pirouetting and apparent telepathic command of day-glo crap that is flying through the air. It’s just me focused on Medea, stuck in a twisted temporary relationship that is so wrong I don’t wanna be right.

  Eventually I remember that Kyary is actually the star of the video, so I check out what she’s doing, which is basically the same routine. She’s alternating her outfits between the original “cheerleader as bizarre pre-schooler” and the “radiation skin-tone” woman who has an affinity for produce on her head. (There’s also something about a pogo stick and psychedelic skulls, but I’ll let somebody else explain that angle.)

  When we get to the part where radioactive Kyary has a flock of black birds flying out of her mouth, it’s fairly clear that there is no way I can keep up with everything that is going on in this video, so I can only hit the highlights or this review is going to be 417 pages. (I’m already exhausted and I’m only a minute and half into the video.)

  Let’s see. We are treated to giant scissors that probably want to kill someone, bees making honey, a surprising moment when Kyary bends over and lets loose with some cartoon flatulence (really?), a cheese-head routine, a bit where Kyary pretends to be a heavy-metal guitar player for no apparent reason, rude graffiti whooshing toward the camera in a violent manner, something about a unicorn with co-dependency issues, and Kyary’s inability to stop bouncing all over the stage like something got shoved where it shouldn’t have.

  Oh, and Madea is all over the place. Obviously the film editor realized he had a breakout hit with that train wreck and he’s prominently shoving Medea at us with a determination that is borderline psychotic. My initial jaw-dropping fixation with her begins turning into a fear-based realization that I may never sleep again. At one point there are roughly twenty images of Medea onscreen, doing everything from line-dancing on a peppermint sun to roping a couple of wild hogs.

  Then we get to the hand-clapping routine. Oh dear God, the hand-clapping routine.

  This mess involves Kyary and Medea as pep captains, rhythmically slapping their palms together as slices of bread rain down on the various planets where these surreal people live. They are very excited about getting to do so, I’ll give them that, but I have no idea what this means. Especially when eyeballs start appearing on the bread slices, eyeballs which then break free and twirl about the stage as well as tumble out of Kyary’s mouth.

  What the hell is happening in Japan these days? Did I miss a memo?

  Next we have something to do with brightly-striped tanks driving over everything, Kyary’s head turning into a pulsating glob of pink clay that has more mouths than anything should, a drunken shark, a possible tribute to Carmen Miranda, Medea dancing on the ceiling with more enthusiasm than Lionel Richie ever had, some kinky stuff with donuts, and Kyary riding her disco stick to the probable point of rapture.

  But we’re not done. Nope, we also get a carousel from hell, another round with skulls, this time featuring laser beams of death destroying the universe, the violation of a purple teddy bear that was innocently trying to watch Big Bang Theory on pay-per-view, Kyary sporting a fake mustache and then eating it along with an apple, more psychedelia that might have something to do with celestial orgasms, and Kyary insisting on trying to create a signature dance that is simply not going to sweep the country unless marijuana becomes legal.

  Thankfully, we finally begin to wrap things up, with just a few final attempts to rupture our brain stem. By this point, Medea has been relegated to a supporting role in that Drive-Thru of Death window, probably after Kyary pointed out a clause in her contract about artistic control and cuteness dominance. But we still get to see some angry fish, more donuts, more conjugal visits with the disco-stick-slash-stick-pony, a quick bit that might be featuring Kyary as Sarah Palin imitating the Russians she can see from her house, and a giant pig that is not impressed with all the excitement and bouncing.

  The final shot has Kyary winking at us, fully aware that it doesn’t matter what we think of her. She has 25 million hits on YouTube. Do you?


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Kanye West - “Stronger”

  We start out with a solar flare that completely destroys the universe. Oh wait, maybe not. We cut to the inside of some very intense, futuristic medical establishment where we have lots of interesting-looking machines and flashing lights. Some folks who normally race motorcycles have been hired to punch a lot of buttons and wear their helmets so we can’t see their faces.

  We then get rapid-fire jump shots of urban street scenes and some nice graffiti title cards to let us know we’re somewhere in Japan, or at least trapped in an anime-inspired film about Japan. But the main story is back in that creepy medical building where somebody appears to be baking inside a giant burrito maker.

  The microwave dings, and Kanye comes rolling out of one of the E-Z Bake oven, lying on a hospital gurney or maybe a high-end coffee table. He has electrodes and such attached to his body, so they might be testing him to see how many more hit singles he can produce. The helmet heads continue to run scans of Kanye using giant white Cheerios while the Daft-Punk sampling music continues in the background.

  Cut to Kanye somewhere else, wearing those now-famous glasses that look like window blinds. He’s standing against a shadowy wall, being all street, while we get quick glimpses of a supermodel looking sultry and sporting an asymmetrical hairdo while neon glows behind her. Kanye likes to do dance moves that involve shoving his hands in his pockets, in case you need to take notes about that sort of thing.

  Next we have some military people looking bored, a couple of folks who seem to be angry with those military people, more of Kanye on that coffee table, more of Kanye breaking it down for us in that alley, and shots of overcrowded city streets where no one seems to be happy. All of this is accompanied by the flashing Japanese words which probably explain exactly what is going on. Or maybe not. They might just be there for style and atmosphere.

  Suddenly, we have a motorcycle gang racing along through the middle of town. We have no idea who invited them, what it’s all about, or why it’s so important that they get somewhere fast, but the brake lights (the few times that they use them) look pretty and blurry as they race past designer boutiques and startled woman lugging groceries that are probably far more healthy than anything an American would eat.

  Kanye appears as a third version of himself, this one having something to do with wearing a hoodie while he’s bathed in golden light and standing in front of a bank vault door or at least something that’s metal and round. He seems to be upset. Are they not letting him get to one of his safety deposit boxes? Doesn’t he have his own bank at this point?

  Next up is the supermodel again as she walks along inside some giant tube, pausing to do a few hip thrusts here and there to show that she’s multi-talented. Then she does something in front of a glass wall of neon tubes that magically allows her to clone herself and get sexy with her own image. Then Kanye comes along and nuzzles her neck from behind. She obviously has a far more exciting life than we do.

  Now we have another supermodel (or at least another outfit) standing in the middle of a busy intersection and glaring at us. I’m not aware of what we might have done, but she clearly didn’t like it. Cut to one of the Kanye characters in a place with lots of pipes that don’t really seem to have a purpose, followed by Coffee Table Kanye still being digitally poked and prodded by the bike racing duo with the identity issues.

  Next up is a nurse walking down a hospital corridor and dragging along one of those odd machines with the clear enema bag hanging from a pole. As she nears one of the patient rooms, we cut inside to see Kanye (Number five? Not sure.) writhing about on his bed like something wasn’t right with that Mexican platter he ordered. Nurse Lady opens the door, takes a gander inside, then runs screaming back down the hallway. (Honey, you’re supposed to make the patients feel better, not worse.)

  Hysterica apparently alerts the authorities, because we suddenly have a whole pack of armored people stomping down the hallway, closing in on a slightly-sweaty Kanye who appears to be swathed in toilet paper. (No idea.) It seems that Kanye does not appreciate being confronted by strangers with guns, so he sends a mind beam their way that makes them fly into the air and presumably die. Kanye don’t play.

  Cut back to those bored military people, who seem to be a bit more invested in the goings on now that there have been explosions and stuff. But they still don’t seem to be doing anything worthwhile, so I’m really not sure why they’re on the payroll.

  Now we have a montage of the Kanye personalities, with Sunglasses Kanye repeatedly advising that it’s “not like I never told ya”. (I guess I missed a memo because I don’t remember him ever telling me anything. We don’t talk as much as we used to.) Anyway, Kanye gets over it and moves on to the rest of the song, while images of the Supermodel Lady are splashed on the wall behind him. (I may be mistaken, but she appears to be grooming his back with her tongue, in what might be one of those naughty wildlife games you read about on the Internet.)

  Brief break in the lyrics so Kanye can perform some more choreography and repeatedly touch his nifty sunglasses to ensure that we see them. Then he’s back to singing while we get another montage, this one involving more of that eerie medical equipment, followed by shots of Supermodel Lady walking back down the strange tube, heading away from the place where she made love to herself in the mirror.

  Oh wait, maybe she wasn’t done with the cloning business after all, because she’s back in front of the glass and now there are three of her, each of them straddling furniture and shimmying with burning heat and passion. But before any of them can reach an orgasm, we start getting shots of somebody spelling out something with a fancy gun that shoots neon paint. (Possibly a citation from the Health Department?) Then Kanye comes out to nuzzle Super Lady again and the video abruptly-


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Gotye, Kimbra - “Somebody That I Used To Know”

  We start out with the camera panning along the floor until we run across somebody’s bare foot. Intrigued, the camera works its way up the attached leg (very hairy, probably a guy, no promises), along the outer edge of a bare pelvis (oh my, didn’t see that coming), diagonally across the chest and onto the face of Gotye.

  He and his hair look very sad.

  He starts singing, keeping his mournful eyes cast downward so we don’t forget that he’s disappointed about something. Since the camera stays on his face for a very long time, we can’t help but notice that his mouth is very interestingly-shaped. Maybe this is why he changed his name from Walter to Gotye, so his name could be as interesting as his mouth. Who knows.

  Anyway, my orifice study is interrupted when Gotye suddenly looks up, and we see that he has stunningly-green eyes. This totally changes the meaning of the video, so I adjust my notes as Gotye warbles on in a low, quite tone that would be soothing if we weren’t fully aware that the man is completely naked.

  Suddenly, we cut away to some invisible hand drawing a brown line across the screen. Then lots of other lines come scrawling in from all directions, meeting up with their little friend in the middle, creating some pleasant but slightly boring little triangle shapes. Then we’re back with Gotye, who is currently not singing any lyrics. Maybe he’ll tell us what all that triangle mess was all about?

  Nope. We go back to the shapes, and now they are being filled in by more invisible hands, using lots of different colors. The imagery looks vaguely familiar, like its hinting at some particular artistic method that I would know about if I actually had any culture. While the artwork continues to spread, Gotye resumes his tragic tale about loss, mismanagement, and forgetfulness.

  Hold up, now the spreading artwork has moved from wherever it was to the wall directly behind Gotye, getting dangerously close to his unprotected and somewhat pale skin. Gotye doesn’t seem to care, though, because it’s time for the part of the song where he sings really loud and high, so he does, and that probably distracts him from noticing that the artwork has jumped onto his various limbs and is busily filling in its own colors.

  While Gotye continues with his angst over accusations and regret, the odd little triangles completely cover his body in the pattern that reminds me I shouldn’t have dropped out of college. He finishes up this bit of the song and just stands there, blending into the wall as the camera pans back, allowing us to see that Gotye has a companion, a woman off to his left who is also standing and blending.

  It’s fairly safe to assume that they know each other, since they are both naked and covered in similar artwork, so they probably run around in the same social circle and go to the same clubs. She’s facing the wall, though, so either she’s done something bad or she left her glasses on the nightstand.

  The woman turns her head to face Gotye, and we see that it’s Kimbra, and we also see that she has something to say, starting out with that classic intro line of being screwed over. As Gotye either winces in shame or is just blinking to keep the paint out of his eyes, Kimbra moves in and sing-growls her rebuttal directly into Gotye’s decorated ear.

  Then Gotye launches back into the loud part of the song as Kimbra harmonizes beside him, creating a nice singing painting that probably excited the stoners of the world immensely. Eventually, Kimbra has second thoughts about making music with the man that done her wrong, so she heads back to her part of the canvas and re-faces the wall. As Gotye finishes out the song, we watch the paint slowly disappear from Kimbra’s body, until nothing is left of the paint or their relationship.

  Nice, eh?


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