Pitbull, T-Pain - “Hey Baby (Drop It To The Floor)”

  Editor’s Note: This is another video set in a dance bar where nothing actually happens, so we’ll have to do the time-stamp thing again. Here we go…

0:01  Pitbull shows up, standing in what might be a police lineup in the year 2035.

0:04  T-Pain makes his debut in the same lineup, yelling out his name in case we weren’t sure who he was. He’s got on some glasses that would instantly kill anyone who dances too close.

0:07  Quick shot of some woman with an accusing finger.

0:09  Woman on the left has been placed in timeout for an undisclosed infraction.

0:14  Pitbull is apparently about to leave for a safari.

0:21  Patti LaBelle left her wig on the ceiling.

0:30  Accusing woman is startled that we are still in the room.

0:35  Accusing woman changes her tune and decides to have sex with us.

0:41  A giant hand almost crushes T-Pain. Good thing he had those glasses on to scare the hand away.

0:45  Pitbull uses his eyes to shoot laser beams at people who don’t understand his music. (Did I just hear something explode in the other room?)

0:54  Is Pitbull pregnant?

0:59  Okay, maybe it’s not Patti LaBelle’s wig after all.

1:01  Some audience members are confused and think this is a Duran Duran concert in 1985.

1:07  Accusing Woman has Pitbull’s head growing out of her side, which can’t be very comfortable.

1:11  T-Pain has a personal religious moment.

1:18  Pitbull is having some balance issues.

1:28  Pitbull has lost his glasses somewhere. Can he sing without them?

1:40  On the right, Eva Longoria makes a wrong turn and stumbles into the nightclub.

1:42  T-Pain really wants us to stop, in the name of love.

1:45  Or he wants us to fly like a bird. He needs to make up his mind.

1:46  Gratuitous booty shot.

1:51  Gratuitous crotch shot.

1:54  Gratuitous boobie shot. (Look, I can only work with what I’m given.)

2:09  Pitbull is waiting for Scotty to beam him off the Enterprise.

2:13  Pitbull is waiting for someone to throw panties on stage. Trouble is, nobody’s wearing any, so it’s gonna be a long wait.

2:16  Futuristic yoga.

2:21  A radiation blast happens for no apparent reason.

2:23  Is that a giant spider?

2:30  T-Pain would also like to leave the Enterprise. Where the hell is Scotty? Is he drunk again?

2:25  A former flight attendant conveniently points out the exit doors. (Some skills you never lose.)

2:43  Pitbull loses control of his lower jaw.

2:46  Bob Marley’s former DJ is in da house.

2:54  Somebody wearing boots with enormous heels decides to mace the entire audience. They don’t seem to notice.

2:56  Accusing Woman gets her hand stuck in her hair.

3:07  Lady Gaga has arrived to reclaim her planet.

3:12  Pitbull is looking at a row of chopsticks.

3:16  In the lower left, that guy from “Full House” shows up to the wrong set.

3:24  Pitbull is back in the police lineup. No one is surprised.

Fade to black

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Nicki Minaj - “Right Thru Me”

  This one starts out with a very long intro, with Nicki and her current beau returning from what might have been a party, or at least some place that required the beau to wear a tuxedo and Nicki to wear puffy toilet paper instead of an actual blouse. They march into the kitchen, and she’s all fired up about something that Beau did, waving her manicured hands around and repeating phrases because Beau is apparently not listening. He fiddles with something in the fridge instead of validating her in any way, so she breaks a glass to get his attention. Oh boy.

  (Side note: Beau is WAY hot, so he better have done something really major, or Nicki just needs to chill. Unless the police were involved, I’m thinking they just need to work it out.)

  As Beau picks shards of glass out his face, Nicki lets loose with her issues. Apparently Beau has been disrespecting her in some way. We only know this because Nicki bellows “stop disrespecting me!” at least 20 times. Beau has finally either had enough, or he’s concerned that more leaded crystal might be headed his way, and he starts to leave. Sure enough, Nicki smashes another glass. (She might as well keep going, because now the set is ruined anyway.)

  Beau almost makes it to the door, and then Nicki races up to clutch his arm and beg him to stay. (Okay, Ladies, this is NOT how you do it. Let his ass march on out the door and think about things for a while. If he knows that you’re always going to give in, he’s never going to change. Have you not been listening to Tyler Perry?)

  Now that Nicki has changed her attitude and has moved away from other possible projectiles, Beau actually starts to listen. She starts up with that “disrespecting” word again, so she almost loses him once more, but within a bit they are snuggling and loving on one another and we finally get to the song part of the video.

  And I guess they worked it out, because they are lying in bed, post-coital, or at least post-nap. Well, Beau is laying there, snoozing. (I get the impression that Beau probably sleeps a lot. When you’re pretty, you don’t waste a lot of time working or wondering what people think about how you look.) Nicki is sitting beside him, caressing his muscular bicep. Then she lays down beside him.

  And apparently starts having flashbacks to times when she wasn’t yelling so much. We see Beau looking hot in a ballcap, the two of them strolling along a beach at sunset, more hot ballcap, embracing on the beach, ballcap. You get the idea. Back in the bed, Nicki is singing to Beau in between the shots of erotic headgear.

  Then we have Nicki trapped in what might be a giant shower. It’s really not clear what’s going on, but she’s singing behind a glass wall and there’s steam everywhere. She tries to wipe away the steam, but it keeps coming back, which is symbolic of her love for a man that disrespects her. She tries to quit him, but she can’t.

  Some new scenes with Nicki wearing an afghan and giant hoop earrings. She’s just trying to get in her car, but Beau seems to have an issue with that. He’s tugging on her arm and bickering. She’s realizing that it’s hard to yell back when big golden rings are banging against your throat. She manages to make it into the driver’s seat, but then he says something really uncalled for, and she hops back out so he can jump in. Poor thing can’t even drive her own car.

  Meanwhile, Nicki is still wiping away the steam in the mammoth shower room. How her hair isn’t frizzing into an unruly bush, I really don’t know. She must use some really quality hair products. Whoops, we get a full-body shot of Nicki in this room, and she apparently takes her showers while still wearing her underwear. Perhaps someone should speak to her about that. If no one tells you you’re not doing something right, how will you ever learn?

  Shot of Beau standing in some pretty coastal water, with loving droplets splashing up and sizzling on his nipples. Then he’s out of the water, possibly looking for his shirt. Perhaps someone should speak to him about that. If you don’t have anything that needs covering up, why bother?

  Okay, he’s back in the water, with Nicki motioning for him to do something. He looks confused. Then she’s straddling him back on the makeup-sex bed, and they are intertwining hands. (He better watch out for those sharp nails of hers, he could lose a finger.) Wait, now we’re back in that kitchen again, with them wearing the outfits that started this video. Not sure why we’re seeing this again.

  They go through the same fight once more, and I’m not particularly pleased. I like the other scenes better where people aren’t wearing as much clothing. She smashes the two glasses, then does the Sybil flip-flop where she begs him to stay, blah, blah. (Just in case you were wondering about the status of Shower Nicki and Makeup-Sex Nicki during all this, the producers helpfully give us little status updates during the replay of the glass-smashing. Shower Nicki is still dealing with that steam, and Makeup-Sex Nicki is still straddling Beau and singing like her life depended on it.)

  Okay, things are looking up. They finish with the kitchen-fest, and we start seeing shots of Beau dripping wet, somewhere. This can only be a good thing. Oh, he’s in the shower. That’s a good choice. But he’s wearing underwear, which harshes the buzz a little bit. (Why do these people around here bathe without taking off their undergarments? Are they Catholic?)

  Quick shot of Nicki sitting on the floor of her closet, her face full of anguish and dismay. I’m guessing that she can’t figure out which shoes to wear in the next scene.

  Now we roll into a montage of Beau in the shower, Nicki in the Shower without a Door, both of them on the beach at sunset, and Beau giving Nicki a piggyback ride because she must have gotten tired wearing all that jewelry on the beach and trying to walk at the same time.

  Suddenly, Shower Nicki yells “Stop!” several times. I realize it’s part of the song, but it’s still startling considering my naughty thoughts about how Beau really needs to join my gym. Then she starts back in with the singing, so I guess I’m safe.

  At 4:34 in the video, Beau decides to baptize Nicki in the River Michael Jordan. I’m not really going to argue with that, because it never hurts to bring people closer to Jesus. He can get you into all the best clubs.

  But I guess the baptism didn’t take, because by 4:51 in the video, Shower Nicki is shoving her butt against the glass. I really don’t think the church elders would be in support of this activity. They frown on wetness against clear partitions. Or any wetness, for that matter.

  We have a quick montage at the end to catch us up on what all the Nicki’s have been doing, then we freeze-frame on Shower Nicki still trapped behind the glass.

  I sure hope she gets out someday.

  But until she does, I’ll take care of Beau for her. Don’t worry, girl. I got it.


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Natalie Imbruglia - “Torn”

  Editor’s Note:  We have only one fixed shot in this entire video, a partial  view of a few rooms in what we’ll assume is Natalie’s house. There’s no story whatsoever, just Natalie and her crew messing with us, so we’ll have to do the time-stamp thing. Here we go…

0:05  Natalie wanders out of her bedroom, wearing a cute little slacker outfit and an even cuter slacker hairdo. She takes her time walking toward us, because it’s her video and she can do whatever she wants.

0:17  Natalie disappears and some guy comes tromping up steps on the right. We’ll call him Ian, because that sounds like a nice Australian name. He must be something of a pig, because he just throws his jacket on a chair instead of hanging it up like any decent guest would do.

0:24  Close-up on Natalie’s face. Yep, she’s still cute.

0:27  The man comes up the stairs again, but this time Natalie comes out of her bedroom at the same time. This is where the video team starts jacking with us, we don’t know it just yet.

0:32  Ian pulls off Natalie’s cute slacker hoodie. She pretends to giggle and act like it’s fun, but you know she’s mad because you never mess with a woman’s couture.

0:39  Ian pokes Natalie on the chest with one of his incredibly long fingers. Natalie takes one look at the length of that digit and decides it would be just fine if he started taking his own clothes off.

0:41  Some short guy suddenly appears behind Ian and moves him over a little bit. Is he the cameraman? The director? Somebody who just likes to relocate people who are taller than he is?

0:46  Ian doesn’t understand how to do jumping jacks.

0:49  Other strange people are now wandering around on the set.

0:52  Apparently Natalie is headed to a track meet after this video thing is done.

1:06  Ian starts to kiss Natalie, but they are both distracted by something to their left. My guess is that the squat little director walked by again.

1:10  Some people are greatly concerned about the placement of a brown leather chair. Natalie is starting to get concerned that it may take three years to shoot this video.

1:13  Ian suddenly remembers that he’s late for his proctology exam.

1:16  He decides the exam can wait.

1:27  A hairdresser decides that it’s critically important that he fluff Ian’s hair right at this moment. The hairdresser must have caught a glimpse of Ian’s fingers as well.

1:36  Ian is bored.

1:38  Natalie and Ian both confess to not understanding quantum physics.

1:43  People are still screwing around with that damn leather chair.

1:47  An illegal immigrant sneaks into the country.

1:54  Natalie starts marching slowly toward the camera, wailing away. Tension builds as we wonder if she’s going to smack her head on the camera lens.

2:00  Quick pause while someone checks to see if Natalie is leaking radiation.

2:03  It apparently takes two stylists to work on Natalie’s hair.

2:05  She doesn’t care for their work, and makes some adjustments.

2:15  Natalie is marching toward the camera again, really close this time. She seems to enjoy doing that for some reason. Is there something written on her glossy lips that she wants us to see?

2:23  Apparently Natalie needs to use the bathroom.

2:27  Maybe not. She might be concerned about the fact that one of the walls behind her is wiggling for no apparent reason.

2:32  Now we can see that set people are trying to strike the set even though Natalie is still singing. These people must be on a really strict time schedule.

2:42  The dumb-ass set people nearly knock over the wall and kill Natalie. She’s a trooper, though, warbling away despite the nearness of death and union workers.

2:49  The back wall starts sliding away.

2:52  Natalie gives the workers a look like they need to get this part done because they’re really starting to get on her nerves.

2:57  Ian marches by with a broom. No idea.

3:05  Ian kisses Natalie. Natalie decides the set workers can do whatever they want as long as they leave the bedroom alone.

3:19  More of Natalie and Ian smooching. He suddenly turns away in disgust.

3:21  Natalie looks at the camera apologetically. Had Mexican for lunch again. Sorry.

3:25  Part of the back wall falls down. George Bush, Sr., is standing off to the side, hoping he can credit for it in the history books.

3:29  Natalie decides that the only thing she wants to do in the world is dance. So she does. Sadly, no one joins her. She doesn’t seem to mind.

3:35  Natalie watches while Ian writes his name on a Styrofoam coffee cup. He must be very anal and possessive. Perhaps you should save yourself some heartache, Natalie, and just nip this relationship in the bud. Control freaks are never sexy in the morning.

3:41  Natalie dances some more.

3:50  Natalie decides that she’s milked all the fun she can out of this gig and wanders off camera, hoping that her next single is a little more inspiring to people who write scripts for music videos. But if not, she’s still cute, and that’s all that really matters…

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