Saturday, October 9, 2010

Kid Rock - “All Summer Long”

  We start off with Kid Rock in a very nice speedboat, racing along on some lake that we’ll have to assume is in “northern Michigan”, because that’s what he sings about in the song. We don’t know where he’s going, but that’s probably not important. Equally unimportant would be any innocent swimmers in his path, because he’s clipping along like the paternity test results are in.

  Quick grainy shot of a young blond couple as they stand on the shore and kick at the water, then grab at each other like sex has just been invented. They are apparently very much in lust, and very limber, wallering around in the sand. They also like to pose seductively beside what looks like an older Trans Am, so they have multiple talents. Blond Girl seems unable to control her booty, as it gyrates against Blond Boy.

  More shots of Kid in that speeding boat, as he first takes his hands off the wheel to show that he bad, then we get a rearview shot of an alarmingly large tattoo on his back. Then he takes his hands off the wheel again. Not sure what we’re trying to prove here, other than you really don’t want to go skinny-dipping in this lake when Kid has access to motorized watercraft. One minute it’s a fun game of slap-and-tickle, then BAM, you’ve got the prow of a boat up your ass.

  More shots of the blond couple making out in the car. I guess there really wasn’t much else to do in northern Michigan in 1989.

  Next we have a few scenes of Kid racing past another speeding boat, and that boat nearly swamps some old people in a tiny boat as they just try to fish and wait for the social security check. This is one dangerous lake.

  Now we’re on a beach at night, with lots of happy people sitting around a campfire and swigging from a bottle of Jack Daniels. As normally happens in such situations, the girls can’t help but unbutton their short shorts so we can see their underwear, and then they shimmy in the firelight while the drunken boys fall off logs and spit out sand.

  Then we cut to a very patriotic circular stage where Kid and his band are performing the song. Kid does a really fancy move where he makes out with his microphone stand without knocking his hat off, so he’s really been practicing at this.

  Oh look, we’re back on the lake, and there’s one of those double-decker boats with scantily-clad women folk on the upper level gyrating and raising their hands to Jesus. Other boats pass by, loaded with the men folk, and they seem very horny about this display of religious devotion.

  Close-up of a record on a turntable for no apparent reason.

  The girls on the double-decker have magically moved to the lower level, where there’s a convenient stripper pole for them to straddle. They do so with gusto, because they are very hard-working tramps who believe in doing a quality job even if Kid Rock might ram the side of their floating bordello at any given moment.

  Back to the grainy shots of the Blond Couple on some dock, initially fishing, but before too long Blond Girl is waving her fanny in the air and demonstrating how horny a fishhook can make her. (This is interspersed with more shots of Kid and the Gang on that circular stage, and new shots of Kid and the Sluts from that double-decker boat, with all of them now piled in his apparently pilot-less speedboat.)

  Whoops, here we go with more grainy images of people driving cars to the shore of that Michigan death-lake back in the day. All the drunken people pile out of the vehicles and proceed to spread out blankets so that they can have a super-massive orgy. This leads to a montage of all the various scenes in the video, concentrating on slender women proving that they have inordinately-large breasts. (Oh, and the stripper pole is back, just in case it’s not clear that these women will do anything to appear in a Kid Rock video.)

  The montage goes on for a while, jumping between Kid onstage with his posse, Kid on the speedboat with his posse, Kid back in the day when people didn’t really understand that they were in his posse, and flexible women auditioning for his posse by humping all the inanimate stage props that they can find.

  Another shot of a vinyl record spinning, because you have to take a break from bouncing breasts or you might lose it a little bit.

  Then we’re back to the montage, with Kid all over the place, proving that his life is an endless parade of women who can’t wait to give up their sacred virginity. More shots of the Blond Couple being deeply in love, but since Kid is still trolling this same lake 20 years later, I’m not sure how we’re supposed to take this. Do you just get in a boat and fetch you a new sexual gymnast every summer?

  Holy cow, the hairdo on the woman at 3:10 in the video could make anybody run to church and beg for forgiveness.

  But before we confess our sins to an elder that hasn’t quite resolved his own lust-based issues, we have to see more of the montage because the song isn’t over yet. It’s more of the same, although there’s a fun bit at 3:19 when we have some folks doing sit-ups in support of the Confederacy.

  We wind things down with Kid and the Rocks on that circular stage, with everybody in ecstasy over the closing notes of the song. Our final image is of Kid in his fancy speedboat, zipping off into the sunset so we can see the word “Cowboy” on the back of his boat.

  Cowboy? In northern Michigan?

  Somebody missed a memo.

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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