Friday, October 1, 2010

Sugarland - “Stuck Like Glue”

  First off, Jennifer Nettles is just the cutest thing on the entire planet. Just had to get that out there.

  We start out with a shot of Jennifer’s very happy fingers tapping out a beat on the dashboard of her car. (We’ll ignore the fact that she’s wearing a skull ring, because that just means darkness and questionable self-esteem.) Kristian is sitting in the back seat of the car, thumping on his guitar and not-speaking, because he never does. Then the song starts, and perky little Jennifer starts to wail away in her trademark, distinctive voice, her eyes aglow with the joy of sitting in a parked car and vocalizing.

  Jennifer snatches up a stack of pics on the dashboard and begins to peruse them. The photos are all of the same guy, doing various things like looking hot and working out in the park. Suddenly, Jenn’s eyes dart to the side and she spies that same guy walking out of a house, wearing just a bathrobe and lugging a bag of trash. Hmm. Is Jennifer a bit obsessed?

  I guess she is, because as soon as Stud Boy notices the country super group sitting in the lime-green station wagon, his eyes widen in fear and he points an accusing finger at Jennifer. Possibly crazy Jennifer takes this as a sign of welcome, and she puts the car into gear and flies down the street at Stud. He darts out of the way just in time. Amazingly, the bathrobe does not fly open as he runs, disappointing a certain segment of the viewing audience.

  Cut to Stud talking to police officers, while Jennifer is in the back of a patrol car, in handcuffs, natch. (Along with Kristian, not in handcuffs so he can keep playing his guitar. I guess the police let you do that as long as they like the song.) Jennifer, bopping to the beat, makes a hand motion for Stud to call her. He’s not impressed with her request.

  Now we’re at the police station (for “Ragusland County”, which is a hoot), with Jennifer and Kristian having to do that thing where they line up with other suspects. Kristian justs stands there and is boring, but Jennifer, always making the best of things, does a shimmy dance and shows us that she managed to find a new outfit in the back of the police car. She’s also wearing an odd necklace that looks like something that a Zulu Warrior would use to trip up a charging rhinoceros.

  Then they bring out the other people for the lineup, and you have not lived until you pause the video at 1:17 and look at the four people in Jenn’s lineup. Words cannot describe, just do it. (Kristian’s lineup is nowhere near as exciting, but at least he has his guitar and no one is showing him her boobs.)

  Cut to Jennifer and Kristian back at Stud’s house, so I guess they managed to get out of the slammer. (Or maybe they wouldn’t quit singing this song so the Captain just made them leave.) They knock on the door, Jennifer does another cute dance, and Kristian throws a bag over Stud’s head so they can drag him off. (Quick shot of Jennifer doing more of her dance routine in the police lineup, so I guess she wasn’t done yet and made them let her finish.) Then we’re in the lovely station wagon again, with Jennifer singing to Baghead Boy. (Kristian nods his head like that’s what he would do as well if they kidnapped somebody he had a crush on.) Jennifer finds an ice cream cone (maybe under the seat?) and tries to feed it to BB, but it looks like he’s not hungry.

  More shots of the police lineup. I bet those people dropped to their knees in prayer when Jennifer finally shut the hell up.

  Anyway, Kristian finally pulls the Brady Bunch wood-paneled station wagon up to some warehouse, and they drag Baggy inside. Turns out that Jennifer (and probably Kristian, because if he doesn’t help her out then they don’t qualify in the “group” categories at the CMA’s) has built a little love nest for her and her reluctant lover. (And Kristian, of course.) Then Jennifer grabs a bottle of either hooch or cough syrup and pours some down Baggy’s throat.

  Once Bags is liquored up, it’s time for a floor show. Jennifer has changed into a tacky spandex one-piece, and has three friends dressed the same so they can do some synchronized dancing. While Bags watches in horror (does she ever stop singing or moving?), the girls strut around and show the world everything is more fun when you can almost see camel-toe. This goes on for a while, with the girls making fun of just about every group dance sequence you’ve ever seen. (When they did that hair-whipping thing with their hands on each other’s hips, and then shuffled psychotically toward Bags? Died.)

  Then we have Jennifer, in her Tribute-to-”Xanadu” outfit, showing Stud a giant collage of all the times she has stalked him, which I’m sure makes him completely relax. (She feeds him some more hooch just in case.) When he still tries to slip away, she drags him back, plunks him in a chair, and sings more of the song to him, and he appears to be looking forward to his death. (Meanwhile, Kristian is just sitting on the couch, strumming his guitar and calmly taking it all in, because he’s seen much worse when the band is on the road and somebody finds a spare bottle of tequila.)

  Next we have Stud sitting at a table, with a party hat crammed on his head. Jennifer drags in a birthday cake, blows the candles out for him before he has a chance, then proceeds to shove cake into his mouth until he spews. (Which reminds me of an incident in childhood when my mom made me eat the okra even though I didn’t want to eat the okra, and then I threw up on the sliding glass door because I couldn’t get the damn thing open in time. That item disappeared from our dinner options.)

  Suddenly, Stud’s cell phone starts ringing, and Jennifer is slightly disappointed in this development. She snatches it from him and reviews the picture for the incoming call. It’s “Kim”, some hootchie with breasts the size of North and South Dakota. Uh oh. Jennifer glares at Stud, not happy at all, then punches him out. The screen goes black.

  We’ll just assume that Kristian is still playing his guitar on the couch…

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