Note: This video is just Jessie on a single stage, singing and wearing a ton of different outfits, with the images delivered in a rapid-fire style that is truly remarkable from an editing standpoint, but a nightmare when it comes to telling a story. So we’ll just do the time-stamp thing with this one. (Time-stamps are approximate. That editor was firing off shots at about three per second…)
0:02 Jessie appears from behind Don King’s hair.
0:11 Jessie may have had vampire bats somewhere in her ancestry.
0:17 What is that puffy thing in her crotch?
0:20 Subtle orgasm #1.
0:25 Did Laura Ashley’s Goth sister just explode in here?
0:31 Cleopatra, before that stupid snake ruined everything.
0:42 Tribute to Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone.
0:47 Perhaps she shouldn’t scrunch up her face like that.
0:53 Jessie as Butterfly Girl, the tragic 18th century courtesan who drank way too much absinthe.
1:05 Jessie really insists that you not come any closer.
1:07 Jessie shouldn’t stand like this if she wants people to take her seriously. (But I’m sure the Oompa Loompas love it.)
1:11 The evil side of Jessie laughs as a laser beam destroys the left half of the audience.
1:16 Subtle orgasm #2.
1:22 When did Kelly Clarkson get here?
1:27 I guess somebody hung on to that Bedazzler contraption from back in the day.
1:31 Jessie is attacked by an angry alphabet.
1:42 And now we have Courtney Love dropping by. Did somebody leave a door open somewhere?
1:46 Ma-DON-na. Tick tock tick tock.
1:53 Jessie helps a very small plane land.
2:01 Great. Now we have three of them.
2:06 Jessie is trying out for the new Cirque du Soleil production of Madame Butterfly.
2:10 I’m trying, but I just can’t think of anything to say about the pink pajamas. Words fail.
2:17 And now we have Sally from Third Rock. Somebody needs to close that door, stat.
2:22 Did you need some Gas-X, honey? Hang on.
2:29 Wig a little itchy, girl?
2:33 Yep, I’m counting down Rick Santorum’s time in the spotlight as well.
2:47 I don’t think your arms are supposed to do that. Right?
2:50 Did your pantyhose just flat-line?
3:00 Ally Sheedy in a really bad mood.
3:04 And subtle orgasm #3.
3:10 If you spin her, I hope she lands on black.
3:13 Lily Tomlin, as a child.
3:21 I don’t care how much of a tantrum you throw, I’m not buying you the Barbie Malibu camper.
3:32 I don’t think I’d use that one as your profile pic.
3:35 And the last of our guest stars, Ashley Olsen.
3:45 What do you mean I have to quit singing now?
3:49 The power of Jessie’s booty completely destroys the soundstage.
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