We start out with a shot of two goldfish in a bowl, which is probably symbolic in some way but really just makes me want cute salty crackers, then we start getting shots of an apartment. Based on the number of photos we see where lead singer Adam, a supermodel, and a cherubic baby are smiling and looking wholesome, the little family appears to be quite content with life. We know this is a lie, of course, because it’s a Maroon 5 song. Sooner or later somebody is going to get pissed off about something, and there will eventually be harsh words, possible gunfire, and court rulings.
But we put that part of the fun on hold for a bit, so we can watch Adam and his facial scruff interact with the baby. She has no idea who he is, of course, but she’s a competent little actress, professionally trained to show emotion and drink from a bottle. The wife/girlfriend appears to be cooking something on the stove, so perhaps she’s preparing a meal. Or maybe she just likes the sound of sizzling. In any case, there are no signs of emotional strife and people are being fed, so it’s all good.
Cut to Adam in a gym, where he’s banging around with the equipment and managing to sweat seductively. Then we have some guy wrapping Adam’s hands with white tape, that stretchy stuff that boxers use for some reason that has never been explained to me. The guy with the tape is possibly a trainer of some kind, or maybe he’s just really good at wrapping, who knows. He doesn’t introduce himself and they don’t take any questions from the audience.
Back to the apartment, where Adam is now bouncing the baby in the air. (Which, as many of us know, is not something you should do with a baby that just sucked down a gallon or two of formula. But it’s not our video. Or our baby, as far as we know.) The wife/girlfriend (she needs a name, let’s call her Renata) is still at the stove, so this must be a very complicated recipe that goes way beyond pushing a button on a microwave. But her hair looks really good, so she’s all set.
Quick shot of the gym, where Adam is slipping on boxing gloves, in case we haven’t yet figured out that boxing is one of the important themes of this video, then we head back to the apartment. Renata is finally done stirring whatever and she shoves a plate of the stuff at Adam, then she takes the baby from him for more bouncing and cuteness. Adam starts shoving the food in his mouth without thanking her. Then he snatches up a stuffed bunny that’s lying on the table and tries to entertain baby, still not thanking Renata for the food or for being so pretty. Or even looking at her.
Uh oh. It appears that Adam is paying way more attention to baby than to Baby. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is not a good thing. This right here is why they invented the Jerry Springer show. Well, this situation and the fact that many people are amazingly stupid and have a tendency to act a fool if they spot a camera in the near vicinity.
So we head back to the gym, where Adam is doing those boxing-training moves where he punches the gloves of the other guy who is maybe a personal trainer and maybe just somebody that doesn’t understand there are other, less-painful careers out there in the world. (I’ve never understood this about boxing, either. Why practice punching somebody’s hands? That’s not what you do in the ring. How are you learning from this? Then again, I’m not a fan of boxing in general. How is it that some people love a “sport” where you beat the hell out of somebody else? And yet some of those same people are stunned that we have a domestic violence situation in this country. Go figure, right?)
End of soapbox. For now.
Anyway, the sparring finally ends, and the personal trainer pours bottled water over Adam’s head, presumably to cool him down, or maybe they both just think that wetness is really fun. Can Adam not just go take a shower? Such an activity would surely increase the viewing stats of this video, and it could lay the groundwork for a really festive line dance involving near-nudity and billows of steam.
We cut back to the apartment again, where Adam has finished up his home-stirred meal. He decides it’s time to jet, and he briefly smooches Renata, spends a longer time smooching baby’s head, and then does a bit where he lightly punches baby as if in the ring. He completely doesn’t notice the look Renata gives him for doing such a thing. The signs are all there, Adam. I’m not even having sex with the woman and I can tell she is none too happy with your ass.
Brief shot of the goldfish, reminding us that it’s an important plot device. Because it’s way too much expectation for us to remember something that we’ve seen a mere two minutes ago.
Zip over to some arena, where a microphone is lowering as a boxing match begins. An announcer guy that doesn’t look like he really belongs in a boxing ring grabs the mike, and it appears that Adam is about to fight some other guy with bushier hair than he has. The bell rings and they go at each other, with the crowd roaring in that bloodlust way that people have when there’s an open bar in the other room and there’s nothing else on TV. Kid Rock appears to be in the audience, or at least his evil twin, Adult Rock, encouraging Adam and Bushy to pound away on each other.
Back to the apartment, where Renata is following a different life plan. She’s rushing about the house, gathering up her designer clothes and random personal items, and shoving all these goodies into boxes and suitcases. It appears that Home Girl has got leaving on her mind, determined that she is not going to end up living a sad existence that is eventually played by Tori Spelling in a Lifetime movie, a biopic probably named “The Renata Boombata Story: Living With A Boxer Totally Sucks”. She scurries about and snatches things with fierce determination, while baby Adam-Nata reviews the domestic flight from her high-chair.
This kicks off an extended montage where we cut back and forth between Adam and Bushy gettin’ busy and Renata gettin’ packed. We learn two things from this montage: Adam can spit water at the camera in a very sexy manner, and Renata sure has a whole lotta crap that she wants to take with her on that midnight train to Georgia. (She manages to grab a copy of Grimm’s Fairy Tales. Interesting. Honey, why you wanna take that? The fairy tale didn’t work. Throw that bitch in the trash.)
Eventually, the boxing bout ends, with Adam victorious over Bushy. (Naturally. It’s Adam’s video and we don’t know squat about Bushy and any of his possible issues.) Adam parades around the ring in triumph, and we’ll just assume that Adult Rock is satisfied with the results even though we don’t see it. A short bit later, Adam arrives at the apartment, only to find the place basically cleaned out except for a pile of his athletic equipment and trophies. He collapses on the couch, in defeat despite his now unimportant win.
Cut to the goldfish bowl, which now only has a single swimmer.
Hold up. Renata took half the fish? I’m sure the lawyers didn’t see that coming when they were working on the pre-nup. Somebody clearly has some issues up in this grill.
The video ends with a voice, possibly Adam’s, saying “I don’t know. Whatever.”
And therein lies the problem. Soapbox, part two.
On the next episode of Jerry Springer, we talk to baby Adam-Nata, who tells us what really went down in the crappy apartment where people are unsatisfied, and she shares a video that she taped using a camera hidden in her pacifier…
Click Here to Watch this Video on YouTube.