Sunday, October 28, 2012

Miley Cyrus – “Party In The U.S.A.”

  We start out with folks arriving at a drive-in theater as the golden sun is lowering in the sky. This must be a very special drive-in, because not only is it still standing when all the others have been torn down, but everyone here is really young and pretty and thin. Apparently it’s considered socially improper to arrive with anything more than zero-percent body fat. They probably check your weight at the ticket gate.

  Anyway, Miley climbs out of her sporty car, making sure that we see her cowboy boots first, because she’s a country girl and all. (Side note: All of the cars here are sporty and expensive. It seems they also check your financial history at that special gate. You might have to arrive early just to fill out all the forms.) She leans against her car and starts singing, wearing short-shorts no bigger than a stick of gum. I guess it’s no longer necessary to hide the goods until you meet someone special.

  Eventually Miley gets bored with the leaning, so she hooks up with a posse of her home girls, who have been carefully selected to show a rainbow of racial diversity and give the impression that all are welcome in Miley World. (As long as you’re young and pretty and thin, natch.) They strut around for a while, as we get shots of other people getting out of their cars and joining the party. (At no point does anyone seem interested in actually watching a movie, so maybe things have changed since the last time I went to a drive-in.)

  Wherever the girls are headed, it takes a while for them to get there, so we get plenty of shots of Miley’s boots and Miley’s smiles and Miley’s ability to make grown men stop what they are doing and stare at her. Then Miley snatches up one of the speakers from those poles and hops into the bed of a pickup truck. (It’s not her truck, but things like ownership and clothing that serves any real purpose are clearly not important in this video.) It’s time for Miley and her backup posers to give an impromptu concert! (I’m sure this won’t interfere with the movie at all.)

  So Miley rocks it for a bit, and of course the crowd goes wild with adoration, dancing and singing and fist-pumping. (One gentleman gets so excited that he starts doing gymnastics, a response that seems to happen quite often in music videos but never in real life. You try doing a round off into a handspring at a real concert and somebody is going to cut you. Those people paid good money to see the stage, not your airborne ass.)

  Balancing in the back of a pickup while wearing heels is exhausting, so eventually Miley calls for an intermission and she decides to go stand in front of a metal wall. There’s something written on the wall, but it’s hard to concentrate on what it might say, what with all of Miley’s hair and us worrying about her accidentally bending over and getting a surprise flossing situation with those shorts. But Miley is a trooper and she professionally avoids the bending as she continues with the song. She even does some type of modified two-step moves as added entertainment value.

  We cut to Miley wandering around the drive-in by herself, the Benetton girls having run off to do something else for a bit. (Was there a sale at the Ace bandage factory? They could get four or five outfits out of just one roll of that stuff.) But Miley doesn’t mind that they have gone AWOL, because she’s still singing and walking and smiling at everybody, approving of their thinness and prettiness and supposed richness if they got past the screening process at the gate.

  But singing and walking in the dirt is not as much fun as singing and dancing on a stage, so Miley convinces someone to unroll a giant American flag over the movie screen and build her a nice stage just beneath it. (Nobody is ever going to watch a movie in this place, seriously.) This helpful but unseen person also arranges for an airplane to fly overhead and dump tons of confetti over the whole shindig, because it’s really not a party unless there are colored bits of paper in the air.

  Miley does an energetic solo for a bit, with just her and her hair and her microphone that she clearly adores by the way she fondles it continuously. Oh, and the flag. You can’t really miss that flag, which is bigger than some of the states on the Eastern seaboard.

  Cut to later that night, with Miley and more of her carefully-selected friends taking advantage of the playground equipment at the drive-in. She’s got the primo spot, of course, standing in a centrally-located swing, but her friends are still artfully arranged on a nearby jungle gym. Amazingly enough, all the fly girls and fly boys are able to dance and gyrate with complete abandon without plummeting to the ground and ending their careers as dancing extras in music videos.

  The Gymnastics Dude even runs up to perform another one of his hands-free flip things, but it’s not nearly as impressive since he’s on the ground and not clinging to metal bars two stories up like his risk-taking dance-class partners. But if he can pull off that same stunt while on top of the jungle gym, and survive, I’ll buy the man a corn dog, sure will.

  Then we’re back to the stage, where the American flag has been replaced by a giant video monitor, because it’s not really a concert unless you have a giant TV that people can watch instead of the performer. The Benetton girls are back (love the new look, it’s nice that you were able to share one outfit between the four of you) and everybody is super thrilled to be partying in the USA.  The girls are happy to share with us some intense choreography that they learned on the way back from the mall, and Miley is happy to raise her hands over her head as often as possible.

  And that’s pretty much how we wrap things up, with well-toned folks dancing and singing and proving that they have excellent stamina. Even Gymnastics Dude is still at it, suddenly running up and doing a flip-roll thing across one of the tables at the concession stand. (Note to self: Do not eat at that table.) We end the video with Miley back in front of the American flag, proud of her music, proud of her country, and proud of her ability to pick friends that can coordinate with the design theme of any room in your house…

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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