Note: This song is being promoted as “the
final chapter from ‘Teenage Dream: The Complete Confection’, which is available
on iTunes. (And possibly The Cooking Channel, based on that title.) Apparently,
that whole “Teenage Dream” album was a song cycle, detailing the various
travails of our plucky lass as she worked her way from wherever she was to
wherever she is now. This final song should wrap things up nicely, and even if
it doesn’t, it’s still another exciting opportunity to see how Katy’s people
have managed to once again use fluffy, pastel colors and form-fitting couture
to showcase the naughty-nice exploits of our sparkling heroine as she triumphs
both musically and artistically.)
We start out with
Katy finishing up filming one of the scenes from the “California Gurls” video.
This was the bit where she wallered around completely naked on the giant wad of
pink cotton candy. (Which, by the way, should make you think twice about your
choices the next time you walk up to a concession counter. Do you really want
to munch on something that has already been humped? I’d stick with the
pre-wrapped options.) The director calls
cut, everybody claps, and Katy hollers “another one in the can!”, which is
probably not something one should holler whilst sprawled on her belly, hiney in
the air, wearing nothing but spun sugar.
It doesn’t faze
Katy, though, as someone hands her a robe and she scurries off to her dressing
room, chatting with the director because you have to do that if you want to
make sure that you look the prettiest in a movie. Once alone in her chamber,
Katy plops down at the makeup desk, takes off one of what must be her 412 wigs,
and then pauses to gaze at her image in the mirror. At first we think, wow, she
must really like looking at herself, but then we hear some wind blowing and the
camera whirls, so Katy was just professionally setting up a story transition by
acting with her eyes.
Now we have Katy
in another location, wearing a purple wig, an outfit that could pass as Goth or
possibly really-unfocused Mennonite, and a pair of earrings that will instantly
break eBay sales records. She looks at the camera and belts out the first “I’m
wide awake!” announcement that she will then make 300 more times before the
song is over. The camera pulls back so that we can see she is standing in the
middle of some old stone structure that appears to go on for miles. (Is this
symbolic of the stodgy, old-timer record executives who really don’t understand
what is considered good music these days? Perhaps.)
Then Katy starts
wandering around this structure, which appears to be a giant and creepy maze,
complete with cobwebs, billowing fog,
and questionable wetness. She’s holding aloft an ancient lantern to help her
find her way. Personally, I don’t want to go anywhere that requires me to hoist
portable lighting so I can better see the zombies that might think my brains
are an appetizer, even if the lantern is kind of cool and would look great on
my patio. The camera pulls upwards so we can see that, yep, it’s a big-ass
maze. If Katy plans to get out of here any time soon, she better pack a lunch
and some vodka.
Oh, and it’s
snowing in an odd, wispy way, which makes this maze look a bit like the one in The Shining. You know, the movie where
Jack Nicholson went crazy in a hotel because dead guests were wanting to have
sex with him and Shelley Duvall kept opening her mouth really, really wide every
time she screamed about something else she found dissatisfying. This is turning
out to be a non-ideal vacation spot. Katy needs to get on the horn with one of
her assistants and get a new itinerary.
Whoops, Katy just
spied a strawberry suspended from a dead tree. This is the part where the
people who want to live to the end of the movie would run like hell, clawing
their way over surprised lesser starlets who were only hired to have
promiscuous sex and then die in the first ten minutes. But Katy doesn’t
high-tail it. Nope, she seriously contemplates the berry while the walls seem
to close in around her (another sign that you should run, or at least stop
taking so many recreational pills). And of course she gives in and takes a big
ole bite, because whatever might happen could prove to really good song
material for her next album.
Suddenly, the
walls start rolling back to their assigned places. (Note to self: If you are
being attacked by architecture, eat some fruit.) Then Katy leans back so a
shower of sparks starts shooting out of her gothic breast. (The same
pyrotechnics that we witnessed in the Firework
video, a feat which was interesting then, but now seems to indicate that Katy
might have some type of fetish that could seriously affect her electric bill.)
The fireball
shoots into the sky like a drag-queen flare over the dank and darkened maze,
which is apparently a signal that someone has been anticipating. A stone gate
that we didn’t know existed opens wide (there are always doors like that in
giant mazes, because people get lost and you have to go find their ass without
getting too far behind on the office paperwork) and we see a little girl
standing there in a little girl outfit. (This is not what I expected as rescue
personnel. Was Liam Neeson too busy? That
man can find people. And usually kill them if they don’t answer his questions
satisfactorily.)
At first the
little girl just stands there, kind of glaring at us like she’s really
disappointed that our minimal cookie order was not fully supportive of her
cause. Then we have Katy and Little Girl facing each other and doing some type
of mystical hand choreography, followed by both of them changing into matching
outfits so they can walk down a narrow hallway with mirrors on all the walls.
They get to the end of this hall, where we can see lots of paparazzi on the
other side of one of the mirrors. Katy doesn’t seem impressed with this and
doesn’t want to go forward, but if she really wants to get out of this mess I’m
thinking one of those folks out there probably has a brochure map that they
picked up at the guest services desk.
To help Katy make
a decision, Little Girl helpfully points out that the floor behind them is
crumbling and dropping out of sight. Perhaps we should escalate whatever plan
you have? Dora the Explorer is about
to come on and I forgot to set the DVR. So Katy grabs her hand and they go
through the looking glass.
Cut to a
stone-walled hospital/sanitarium of some kind, where Little Girl is pushing
Katy along in a wheelchair down a hallway. I guess whatever was on the other
side of the mirror was a bit too much, and Katy is now slumped over and
unresponsive, though she’s still managing to clutch a strawberry in one hand.
They come to a point in the hallway where two orderlies wearing bull-heads will
not let anything pass. (I’m guessing the bull-heads are Republican
congressmen.)
Little Girl
marches up to the bulls, glares at them in the manner that little girls have
when they are determined to have the Barbie
Malibu Camper no matter what, and then she stomps her dainty little foot. Girl
must have game, because the shockwaves of her sequined-slipper slapping the
concrete causes the Bull-Heads to fly upwards and disappear. (Isn’t that the
wrong direction for Republicans? Shouldn’t they be going somewhere a tad bit
warmer?)
The footwork also
causes Katy to jolt back to her senses, and she leaps out of the wheelchair,
grabs the arm of Little Girl, and they both race toward the now-unobstructed
exit doors. (Leaving the poor strawberry behind, so I’m sure it will be needing
some therapy.) They scurry around a corner and out into a lovely garden full of
pretty flowers and delicate trees and topiary animals with eyes that spin.
(Okay, that last bit is a little unnerving, with the spinning eyes that speak
of the devil, but I’m not real fond of topiary animals in the first place.
Those things just don’t seem right, but I’m sure someone found them pleasing.)
Katy and Little
Girl mosey about for a bit, admiring the prettiness but still not convinced
that the Bull-Heads won’t come after them with more meanness and a possible
lawsuit. Then they come across a handsome man on a steed (or maybe it’s a
unicorn, there’s something horn-like going on with the horse’s head), with the
man in a nice Prince Charming outfit. He
hops off the uni-horse, Katy steps forward in a slightly-lusty manner, and they
approach each other like it’s the final scene in a Hallmark movie.
Then the camera
shows us that Prince Riebus, I mean Charming, is crossing his fingers behind
his back like he’s about to tell another whopper of a lie. Somehow Katy senses
his deception (possibly because Little Girl makes a horrid little face that
normally indicates gastrointestinal discomfort), so she hauls off and punches
Charming so that he flies across the clearing and crashes through a section of
the garden that the prop people apparently didn’t fortify very well. Katy
celebrates her victory with a short solo, complete with more hand choreography.
Then the girls
grab hands and race to a conveniently heart-shaped opening in a wall of
foliage, which allows them to see a glowing door in the distance that probably
leads to safety and happiness. (Or it might lead to a nuclear power plant
leaking radiation. If you see the ghost of Karen Silkwood float by, scratching
at her skin, you better head the other way.) But it’s all good, and the girls
are finally free.
Just before they
part ways, which they have to do because the shoot is almost over and they both
have other projects lined up, Little Girl puts something in Katy’s hand and
then skips her way down a typical residential street to her bicycle parked at
the curb, a vehicle which has apparently been patiently waiting for his petite mistress
while she went to go play Dungeons and Dragons and do that thing with her foot.
Little Girl waves, then pedals away, and we can see that the vanity license
plate on the bike says “Katheryn”.
Awwww. Seriously.
Katy, now alone,
opens her hand, and as a sparkly butterfly takes off, we transition back to
Katy’s dressing room, where Katy briefly watches the butterfly soar as she sits
there in another candy-based outfit, briefly reflecting on the dreams that
become real and the dreams that don’t. Then she grabs her wireless microphone,
heads out the door, climbs onto the lift that raises her to stage level, and marches out into yet another concert,
bolstered by the memories of little girls making wishes on pretty butterflies…
Click Here to Watch
this Video on YouTube.
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