Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Of Monsters and Men – “Little Talks”

  Okay, folks, this one gets a little trippy, so pack a lunch and hang on…

  We start out with an odd little flying machine (think: combination of a blimp and Noah’s ark) zipping through the darkened skies of some alternate universe where things don’t seem to be very happy. There are menacing clouds everywhere, it’s all done in black and white, and you fully expect Ingmar Bergman to show up and smite everybody. Instead, a colorful meteor (possibly, who knows) shoots past the ship on its way to a fiery crash-landing or a sale at Macy’s.

  We zoom in closer to the ark part of the ship, so we can see the band members come running out of the Chinese-themed cabin and line up on the prow of the vessel so they can check out the flaming thing that just shot past them in the fast lane. (Note: The band members have been digitally messed with so that they have super skinny legs. Despite all the monsters and mayhem that show up in a bit, those skinny legs are probably the most unsettling thing in the video for me.)

  Anyway, one of the band members has a convenient spyglass thingy that he probably got as a bonus prize with his last XBOX purchase, and he uses this device to watch the meteor crash to… well, it’s not Earth, but it’s probably a planet we haven’t discovered yet because everyone is still bickering about that Pluto-downgrade mess. Next thing you know, the band is lined up in front of the meteor, with no explanation as to how they got there so quickly or whether or not they bothered to put the proper amount of coinage in the parking meter for the ark.

  Suddenly, ominous orange-red cracks begin appearing in the skyfall rock, a sure sign that we need to go find something else to do for a while. But instead of run like hell, the band members just stare at the thing in wonder, probably so we can carefully study their interesting glacier-themed makeup. (Hey, if somebody took the time to put all that goop on their faces, it’s only polite that we fully review the quality before we pass judgment and/or hire the artist for our next thesis presentation.)

  Then the rock suddenly explodes and the band members go flying, which is probably not a good thing, but I don’t happen to have the travel brochure for this particular planet. (Maybe this is why people come here, to get their ass thrown through the air by a shockwave. It’s certainly better than going to Disney and watching over-sized rodents dance and sing.) Rising up out of the rubble is a fabulously-attired creature with more clever makeup. She may want to eat us for brunch, but she sure is purty.

  I guess we missed out on some sort of contract negotiation, because the next thing we know the creature has joined the band on their ark and they are back in the skies again. (The creature is hovering just above the ship, so not only is she a snappy dresser, she doesn’t have to worry about gravity or regular means of transportation. We’ll call her Fly Girl until we get to know her better.) The gang continues on their journey through a land where giant animal statues adorn the various mountaintops, definite warnings that this planet is not known for safety or hospitality.

  Sure enough, an enormous two-headed vulture thing suddenly appears from wherever (possibly back from a Starbucks run, who knows) and rudely uses it’s claws to deflate the quaint little blimp, sending it hurtling downward. Well, Fly Girl thinks this is completely uncalled for, so she shoots a radiation bolt out of her mouth (right in time with the beat of the song, such talent!) which vaporizes the angry bird. It’s probably a good idea to keep Fly Girl on our side in case we need her to do that again.

  Cut to the ark-blimp snagged on a barren tree growing out of the side of a mountain. (Whew!) One of the band members hauls out a hooked thingy on a line, which he throws clear across the valley and into the stone mouth of a giant dragon sculpture. (I would have aimed somewhere less death-signifying, but I wasn’t consulted.) The band then hauls ass across the line, with Fly Girl hovering prettily just behind them, and then they march down into the throat of the stone beast. (Do these people just not think about consequences? Are they Republicans?)

  The dragon’s cavernous intestines apparently lead to another part of this world, where they have lots of snow and blizzard conditions and another enormous being, this time in the form of a hairy Yeti that clearly doesn’t have his welcome mat outside the front door. To make sure that we understand his displeasure and evil intentions, the beast aggressively growls at them (also right on the beat, so even if the folks around here dangerous and uncivil, at least they understand things like percussion and timing.)

  No worries for the band, though, because they’ve got Fly Girl in their posse, and it only takes about two seconds for her to annihilate Bad Boy with another bolt of unpleasantry and collect her Achievement award. Then the band decides to march through another valley, this one lined with giant gargoyles, because that looks very inviting and we might as well march somewhere because the video isn’t over yet.

  Then we find the gang in a forest where they have floating smoke monsters, just like on Lost, only without the sunshine or Jack and Sawyer taking off their shirts in order to impress Kate. To be fair, those smoke monsters are pocket change compared to the clientele that we’ve already met, and everyone seems to agree that this particular path isn’t dangerous enough, so we head over to some type of polar icecap  with active volcanos and giant icicles that can pierce your skull. Much more satisfying from a poor-decision-making angle.

  Whoopsie, I guess no one planned on the volcanos causing the ground to split open (because who knew that mixing extreme heat and extreme cold can cause issues) but that’s exactly what happens, with the band members plunging underwater. And, keeping with the theme of super-sizing our meal, the water is filled with fish bigger than Alabama. (Oh, and some interesting ruined temples, so I guess every planet gets to have an Atlantis, must be some type of intergalactic decree.)

  Naturally, the guys don’t try to swim to safety with any sense of urgency, so one of the sea creatures gets bored and snags a band member as a souvenir to hang over his fireplace. Fly Girl, the only one who seems to understand that you have to stay relatively alive in order to continue promoting your latest album, quickly zooms in with another shot of glittering death.

  Once the Creature from the Slacker Lagoon has been dispatched, they all pile onto an iceberg, because that seems like a reasonable mode of travel when all other modes of transportation have hit the fail blog. Interestingly enough, this appears to be a rather zippy iceberg, one that can spontaneously launch itself out of the water and into the clouds. (It seems that we were not very successful the last time we were airborne, but maybe this flight will have those tasty packets of peanuts and a decent movie.)

  But before we can order a cocktail from the alien flight attendant, we can’t help but notice that the sky suddenly fills with flaming birds who are intent on a destination up ahead. The one band member whips out his trusty spyglass, and we learn that the fiery fowl are headed toward a special cloud that seems to be exploding with all of the makeup colors from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. This should be fun, let’s see what happens.

  As we pull up to the iceberg, making sure that we park in the white zone so we don’t get yelled at by Security, a horned being rises out of the cloud, a thing with multiple eyes on its vaguely buffalo-inspired head. We get another round of reaction shots from the lined-up band members (one of them appears to be gazing in the wrong place, so he might have missed a memo or at least shouldn’t be allowed to drive the tour bus anymore) as the creature continues to grow and fill the air with his peacock-on-acid creepy flamboyance.

  Then we focus on Fly Girl, who up until now has had a single expression, one that indicated an intense dissatisfaction with life and dumbasses who have to be rescued continuously. But now her face is breaking into one of supreme joy with a possible tinge of arousal. So either she’s Hot for Buffalo or she’s at least found her way back home again, just like Dorothy finally did after she made that one bitch melt and slept in an opium field.

  I guess it’s the latter, because Fly Girl wastes no time flitting toward the buffalo and installing herself in the middle of his forehead. She must have been some sort of missing touchstone, because the buffalo being expands even more, spreading its dazzling wings, its various eyes twinkling. The camera pulls back for a parting shot of the band members lost in studious rapture as they gaze upon the magnificence of something so menacingly beautiful.

  Then the therapist announces that our session is over and she’ll see us again next week…

Click Here to Watch this Video on YouTube.

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