Thursday, November 15, 2012

Taylor Swift - "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"

  We start out with a shot of a city skyline, which could be anywhere from Ontario to one of those previously-backwoods places that suddenly got skyscrapers and wi-fi overnight due to the passing of tax-evasion laws. Then the camera kind of tilts in a weird way and we find ourselves looking into the retro-chic apartment of Taylor, as she looks a little bit sad and wears both a ponytail and some pajamas that scream “wardrobe decision based on possible product tie-in with Target”.

  Then we have to forget about the questionable pajamas because it’s time for Taylor to sing, and she launches into the opening of the song where she expresses dissatisfaction with how her boyfriend, or at least her one-night-stand, has been acting lately. To make sure that we understand she is serious, Taylor, in the midst of some nicely-dramatic hand gestures, dons a pair of geeky glasses. (So she’s aiming for the science-fair teens now? As if there aren’t already 40 billion hormonally-wrecked young males out there praying for the chance to be the next teardrop on her guitar.)

  Taylor, unnecessary glasses firmly in place, marches into another room of her habitat where she confronts the apparent loser of a boyfriend. He seems incredibly hot, which might explain some of her poor decision-making in the past, but he’s obviously done something dumb-ass or she wouldn’t have written a song about him. She sends him out the front door, with more hand gestures, probably because it’s about time for the super-perky chorus and we don’t need no scrubs when it comes to that.

  Banished Hot Guy doesn’t immediately go away once kicked out, instead choosing to stand outside the door and peek through a full-length plate of glass that someone has conveniently designed into the apartment for dramatic purposes. His expression indicates that he clearly doesn’t understand why his natural hotness isn’t enough for a relationship, a misunderstanding that affects many young men who grow up in red states where boys are taught that having a penis trumps everything.

  Then things get a little cray-cray.

  Taylor marches into her living room (I’m just guessing that’s what room it is, her apartment seems to have some time-space reality issues) where she encounters a band composed of people dressed like animals and Venetian royalty from the 1600’s. (I have no idea.) Instead of calling 9-1-1 about this discovery like a normal person, Taylor joins the furry and feathered gathering and proceeds to dance with them. I obviously missed something somewhere about this song that would make a video director think “okay, this is where we need woodland creatures and a World Wildlife Fund tribute”.

  But it gets even better. One of the animal-people, I’m not sure if he’s supposed to be a bear or a jacked-up panda or what, seems super invested in the supposed role that he is playing. He’s bopping around with a hyperactive grin big enough to swallow Newark whole. His enthusiasm is so mesmerizing that Taylor is shoved out of the scene so the cameraman can focus on the dude with an obvious history of recreational drug-usage.

  Happily, we cut away from that mess and focus on a vintage TV where Taylor is singing, because you can’t turn over a rock anywhere on the planet and not find her. Then the TV and a section of wall slide out of view, since you can do that when your Old McDonald apartment is not real anyway, and we see Taylor wearing a modified L’il Abner outfit (was Dolly Parton a consultant on this?) sitting at a table with Hot Guy, who is wearing headphones and listening to an actual vinyl record (is it 1982?). And what’s up with the coffee cup plunked at a place where no one is sitting? I’m starting to think there are multiple reasons for this relationship hitting another brick in the wall.

  Then Taylor, after singing the line where she disses indie records, (not gonna get any fans from that bit of lyric, just sayin’) leaps up from the table and answers a phone on the wall, which leads to a conversation  with… well, the Hot Guy that was just sitting across from her two seconds ago. He’s now in a nightclub where an army of Janeane Garofalo look-alikes are desperately wanting to have his baby (these things happen), but Taylor doesn’t care, even if the Janeanes are wearing the same glasses she just wore during the opening of the song. She slams the phone down and runs off to another room in her Twilight Zone apartment.

  Brief transition scene where we see that the Odd Animal People are also in the Janeane Garofalo Bar, playing instruments and seeming very satisfied with their furry outfits and importance to society. This could possibly explain how the Tea Party continues to exist despite the obvious insanity of the members. Not sure, I’ll keep you updated with my findings.

  Cut to Taylor and Hot Guy riding in a car that appears to have been made out of… I don’t know what. That is not a normal car, with shades of The Flintstones or some such. Taylor and HG are having yet another argument in the front seat (is anyone surprised at that?), but then the car turns to the left and we can see that the back of the not-right car is a pickup truck where we have lots more of those furry band members who have clearly not been advised of the dangers of adding too much sugar to your cereal bowl while watching cartoons on a Saturday morning.

  And, of course, we have Weird Panda Man front and center, bouncing around with glee like somebody just found his prostate. But you can’t write off his little friends, either, because the whole Truck-bed Band is far more excited than any humans or cognitively-aware creatures should be whilst playing musical instruments as Taylor Swift ponders relationship evaluations. The happiness they are expressing is just not natural, unless one of your parents mated with a Care Bear.

  And we cut again, this time to Taylor and Hot Guy heading into some forest where it was important that a low-paid set designer should scribble “Happy Days” on a giant heart that the bickering couple could walk through to get to the next scene. The duo seems to be quite content at the moment, but then Taylor suddenly runs off to a conveniently-nearby bed where she can pick up a phone and diss about how Hot Guy is not proving to be a satisfactory partner, as she and her golden tresses sprawl near a Benetton monkey. (And just who is she talking to? Hillary Clinton?)

  Doesn’t matter, because Taylor throws the phone down (a servant can pick that up later) and we transition to another room where Weird Panda Man is once again given the spotlight (has he signed a contract with Simon Cowell yet?) before we pan over the other occupants of this room. It’s a mix of real people and pretend animal people (there’s one guy dressed as a squirrel who bounces a lot, this could mean a lot of things in many ways), but Taylor is up in the grill so I’m sure she had some kind of vision in mind.

  Taylor dances with her furry homies for quite some time, along with some un-costumed folks who might have been pulled out of the line of people waiting to get into the David Letterman show, and everyone seems to be having a good time. (Including the now completely-annoying Panda Man who clearly read too many self-affirmation pamphlets as a child.)

  Then I guess the doorbell rings, because Taylor heads toward the front door and throws it open, which is not something you should instinctively do in urban environments. Turns out that her gentleman caller is Hot Guy (because that type of guy doesn’t give up, the penis thing and all), but Taylor is having none of it, especially if he’s not bringing pizzas to feed the mystifying pretend zoo in her living room. She slams the door and marches into another special room in her apartment, one where the cast of The Wizard of Oz is now doing a line dance, and she perches herself near a window where she can affirm that we are never getting back together. Then the camera does another odd movement and we revert to the original shot of the anonymous city skyline.

  Meanwhile, in the other room, Weird Panda Man is exchanging numbers with a zookeeper sporting especially large biceps. (Two nearby people dressed as gorillas agree to be Best Man and Cater Waiter at the wedding.) I’m sure Taylor will keep us updated on what happened after that on her next single, “Well, I Thought We Were Never Getting Back Together But Then The Jacked-Up Panda Showed Up And I’m A Little Confused”…

Click Here to Watch this Video on YouTube.

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