Gwen Stefani, Akon - “The Sweet Escape”

We start out with images of Gwen and her high-glam hairdo apparently being held in a prison of some kind. At least I think it’s a prison. We have bars and cells and tacky striped uniforms, but everything seems to be made out of gold, and there are Gucci “G’s” all over the place. (I guess Tom Ford gave his approval, or at least donated a few of his personal accessories.) Oh, and Gwen’s two backup-singer girls are in a cell as well, so whatever bad thing they did, they did it as an ensemble cast.

Anyway, the camera continues to jump around, showing us all the bling as well as Gwen assuming bored poses and pouting a lot. We finally get to the singing, and unfortunately it kicks in with those Akon “woo-hoo’s” (I am NOT a fan, let’s just say that), which nearly derails the video for me. Luckily, Gwen chooses this moment to do one of her trademark “throw my hands in the air because I really enjoy having breasts” dance routines, winning me back with her form-fitting perkiness.

Then we get a montage of images proving that Gwen can basically wear anything and drape herself across all furniture and still look chic and really cool, and we have to do this for quite a bit because somebody sure found a lot of gold-themed outfits for her to wear. Eventually Akon shuts up and Gwen gets down to the actual singing business. While she warbles and struts in her couture, we start getting glimpses of the backup girls doing odd things and having far more fun doing so than anyone initially intended.

At one point, Gwen gets our attention (like she has to really try, but anyway) by sitting on a gold mat in a mirrored room and kicking her striped legs with enough frenzy that she could power a small city. Then she leads the backup girls in a rousing sing-along in the glitzy cafeteria, complete with synchronized hand-movements and utensil choreography. Girl sure knows how to keep herself occupied in this high-end slammer.

We also have a parade of Gucci products being thrust randomly at the camera, so I’m assuming the original video came packaged with a pricey catalog, probably signed by Tom himself or at least containing a shiny golden strand of Gwen’s Blade Runner bouffant. And if any of the props on the set had room for the “G” symbol, the production staff stamped one on there.

Like often happens in prisons, Gwen manages to steal the key to her cell from a blinged-out dog that happens by, and she proceeds to make her escape. But first we have to cut away to Akon (ugh) singing part of the chorus, as well as the trio of girls flitting about and finishing up all the different dance routines they’ve started, because they practiced really, really hard and ain’t nobody going nowhere until they’re done. Then we finally see the trio running down the cellblock aisle in a dash for freedom and rooms with actual windows.

Two hours later (says so right in the video, not making it up) we cut to another room somewhere, still Gucci-styled but containing a different Gwen, this one with a startling amount of severely-braided hair. She’s sitting on some couch thing and making hand gestures to indicate that she is so done with sitting on the couch thing and waiting for people to pay attention to her. Then she whips an important piece of hardware out of her hair, causing most of it to unfurl in a handy rope, which she then tosses out the window, a window that is apparently very high up in the Gucci World Headquarters building or some such.

The backup girls then proceed to use Gwen’s block-long hair to scale the side of the building while wearing cute climbing gear and performing yet another series of coordinated dance moves. Apparently those two must not weigh very much, because the strain on Gwen’s hair certainly doesn’t stop her from belting out the song and showing us her arched eyebrows.

Eventually the Mt. Everest-ettes make it in the window, where they proceed to grant Gwen’s apparent wish to cut off her ladder-hair, a move that I would personally question, because you never know when they might need to scale another building. Anyway, snip they do, and then the three of them race to Gwen’s bedroom, where they immediately launch into another dance routine, with Gwen wallering around on the actual bed while the twins take chairs on either side so they can accent Gwen’s fabulousness with dramatic handiwork of their own.

We roll into another montage, consisting of Braided Gwen striking poses with a slight Grecian flavor, T-Shirt Gwen hopping around wherever she’s at like she’s seen far too many episodes of Charlie’s Angels, and that damn Akon squealing like a stuck pig. Then we’re back in Gwen’s bedroom, where they quit dancing long enough to enact an actual escape plan, which consists of simply putting a designer scarf over Gwen’s head. (Um, yeah, she looks totally different. Uh huh.)

Next thing we know, Gwen and the twins are racing out the door of a Gucci convenience store (presumably offering the lower-end of the merchandising spectrum), clattering across a trashy parking lot while Gwen clutches a golden latte, and then Gwen hops into the passenger side of a golden SUV while the twins wave sadly and wonder how their dance routines will look with only two people.

The SUV heads out, and of course it’s being driven by Akon, because that’s the one person that I don’t want to see driving it. They motor along while Gwen sings and makes roller coaster moves with the wind rushing past her window, because that’s really important and exactly what I would take the time to do if I was a fugitive.

Then, whoopsie, a police car (driven by the twins, naturally, this time in uniform drag and pretending to be other characters) spots them and lights flash for Akon to pull over. Instead, he just starts singing, which only infuriates the officers (perfectly understandable), and they get a bit riled up, waving their arms and being very demonstrative about the “stop driving” angle. Gwen seems to think this is all very funny, but we can probably blame this on her light-headedness from having a ladder cut off her noggin. Oh, and the latte. Sugar can make you do wrong things.

The video ends back at the boutique penitentiary, with Gwen sporting her original hairstyle and the twins still doing dance routines. It’s not clear if they’ve been sentenced to another term for that naughty escape mess, or if they’ve been here all along and it was just a dream. In any case, the final shot is of Gwen sitting on her bed, bored and sighing. Because once you’ve had your prison cell decorated by a high-end designer, there’s really nothing much more you can hope for in life…


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Whitesnake - “Here I Go Again”

There’s not a whole lot going on in this video, just the band playing on an empty stage and Tawny Kitaen having sex with luxury cars, so we’ll have to do the time-stamp thing…

0:01 Tawny and her flimsy, billowy white dress is introduced. She immediately proceeds to do entry-level gymnastics on the hoods of two cars.

0:08 The band does synchronized hand movements right on cue, so they were probably very popular at pep rallies in high school.

0:13 First appearance of lead singer David Coverdale’s hair. It’s a breath-taking moment.

0:19 Encore performance by The Hair.

0:28 Possible recreation of the final spaceship scene in E.T.

0:34 Tawny looks off into the distance, perhaps hearing a phone ring and hoping it’s her agent with a better offer.

0:49 Tawny prepares for a quick nap on a car hood.

0:54 Tawny compares headlights with the car.

0:59 Tawny might be confused about where to sit in a vehicle, but she can do the splits with a vengeance. Hey, gurl, hey.

1:08 Why does David keep shaking the microphone like it’s done a very bad thing?

1:11 Tawny invents a variation of yoga that replaces the mat with two car hoods. Toyoga?

1:18 Tawny decides there’s too much hair with both her and David in a speeding car, so she tries to escape out the passenger window.

1:20 First incident of David holding his microphone stand upside down and shoving it in the air. Turns out he really likes to do this. A lot.

1:25 The assumption would be that all the band members use the same hair stylist. Which is probably the lion groomer at the local zoo.

1:34 Tawny is straddling both David and the back of his car seat. She just loves everybody.

1:37 Tawny shoves her tongue in David’s ear, probably a reward for properly using his turn signals.

1:43 Tawny high-kicks for Jesus.

1:52 Tawny’s climbing out the car window again. Does she ever just sit still and read a book?

1:59 Does that one guitar player have any other expressions? I mean, so sorry that you apparently have a kidney stone, but could you suck it up for the camera?

2:02 Tawny magically uses her hoo-hoo to keep from falling out the car window.

2:10 Microphone stand is in the air again.

2:15 And again.

2:24 Where is all that smoke coming from?

2:27 Tawny has amazingly talented hair. (It’s bigger than that building behind her!)

2:37 Whoopsie, Tawny miscalculates and almost slides off the front of the car. Luckily, that special hoo-hoo of hers gets snagged on the hood ornament, and she’s good.

2:48 Did someone just shoot one of the guitar players. Rude!

2:55 Tawny shoves her entire head into David’s mouth.

3:02 That position can not possibly be comfortable.

3:10 Yet another guitar player (how many of those damn things do they need?) has an issue with his super-tight leather pants making him unable to stand on his own. He keeps playing, though, so he’s a trooper.

3:16 Oh my God, is that Jimmy Hoffa sneaking around on an upper level of the stage?

3:26 Tawny knows the words to the song, too. See, just because you’re beautiful and sexually-limber doesn’t mean you don’t have other skills.

3:29 Stand. In the air.

3:40 Tawny does a nice twirl while apparently getting a full-body x-ray.

3:51 Is that France up in there?

4:06 Tawny is startled by the sudden appearance of her missing panties.

4:16 One of the 147 guitar players licks his instrument. This is a relationship that he probably doesn’t talk about at family reunions.

4:24 Tawny pulls David into the backseat. I’m sure it’s just to form a prayer circle.

4:29 Crotch thrust and fade to black.


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Taylor Swift - “Back To December”

We start with some guy trudging out of the woods in some small town. He’s bundled up and there’s snow on the ground, so we’ll have to assume it’s December, just like the title. He looks kind of sad, but that might be because the director decided to shoot somewhere cold instead of the Bahamas where all the cool rappers make videos. Cut to Taylor, wearing shabby chic clothing in what might be her house, also looking sad, so I’m guessing we won’t be seeing any dance routines any time soon.

Taylor warbles for a bit, glancing around her house like she’s really sad about her decorating choices, then we cut back to the guy (let’s call him Joe Dean, just because) walking along a street, still with the sadness. Back to Taylor, sitting on her bed and still sad. Back to Joe Dean, with a close-up of his eyes, still sad. Back to Taylor… well, at this point it’s very clear that neither of them are very happy or have bothered to wash their hair lately.

Now Joe Dean is sitting in the bleachers at a football field. We should probably tell him that there’s not an actual game going on, but he’s hunched over like he ate some bad nachos from the concession stand and he probably needs some alone time. Oh look, Taylor is hunched over in her bedroom as well. This must be one of those towns where you really shouldn’t eat anything.

Then Joe Dean is on the move again, trudging along in the snow in that meandering way that misunderstood boys have, then he’s back in the bleachers, trying to get warm. (At this point we have to assume that the local school system is not really preparing its students well, if they don’t understand about going inside when its cold.) Then he hops up and heads across an empty baseball field, where there still aren’t any games being played. I’m afraid life is going to be very difficult and confusing for Joe Dean.

Meanwhile, Taylor is still shuffling about her house, singing and all, but never putting on some shoes or finding a better sweater to wear. She decides to take a bath, but this doesn’t really help much, probably because she forgets to take off her support garments before doing so. Then it starts to snow inside her house. This is the part where I would start to question the wisdom of remaining in that house, but Taylor doesn’t seem to mind the snowfall and keeps singing.

Joe Dean is walking around in the snow again, but I’m starting to not care about his activities, since he’s not managed to go anywhere interesting. At least Taylor has more things to do, like staring out windows and bathing, even if the weather is jacked up in her house. As if to prove her versatility, Taylor picks up a tablet and starts scribbling something. Joe Dean keeps just walking. To nowhere. See? Who would you pick to follow? That’s what I thought.

I think the camera man agrees with us, because we spend a long series of shots with just Taylor, as she wanders around her house, fiddling with water glasses and ignoring the indoor snowstorm. (The snow is piling up on things like furniture and fireplace mantles, so it’s kind of hard for folks to ignore, but Taylor is a professional, having been on the CMA’s a hundred times and all.)

There’s a bit where she sinks lower in her bathtub, probably not a good sign, but she seems to be staring at a snow-dusted stuffed bunny nearby, so we know she’ll probably be just fine since bunnies like to save people and be cute. Then we see Taylor back on her bed, scribbling on her pad and wearing that oversized sweater from The Gap (available in a rainbow of colors!) so the bunny apparently did it’s job and Taylor will be able to release more singles.

Joe Dean, of course, is still just walking around and looking displeased with everything.

Long montage of Taylor getting a little angsty about her sweater sleeves being too long (honey, just roll them up, I think the snow everywhere is a bigger issue), then she seems to have an issue with being able to keep the sweater on one of her shoulders. Perhaps Taylor should just find another sweater, ya think?

Joe Dean, walking.

Taylor, posing in various positions in her house, not walking, still troubled.

Brief shot of Joe Dean with his head stuck to a telephone pole. (No idea.)

Finally, after managing to look anguished in every room of her house, Taylor pauses on her staircase long enough to shove her apparently-finished letter into a leather jacket that just happens to be lying on a nearby step. Cut to Joe Dean in a car (where the hell did that come from?), where he gazes at an unrelated jacket, then he hops out and starts walking somewhere again. I really don’t understand this boy.

Taylor sings for a bit, still not properly attired, then we see Joe Dean back in those bleachers. He suddenly pulls out Taylor’s note from one of his coat pockets. He seems to be surprised at finding it (despite having had his hands in his coat pockets throughout most of the video), and even more surprised by what the letter says. Then he jumps up and starts walking somewhere again. Fade to black.

Do the people in this town just not have phones? Sure would save on the aimless wandering and extended time spent wearing sweaters that don’t fit. Just sayin.


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