Lady Gaga - “You And I”

  We start out with Gaga marching down a dusty road, decked out in some tribute-to-Skeletor getup, complete with coordinated veils and death mask. Seems girl has been trudging down that road for some time, long enough that her feet are all bloody and she’s got a bit of an attitude. But before we can tell her “honey, if you’d just take those eight-inch heels off it wouldn’t be so bad” we whisk to another.. I’m not sure what it is.

  And then the images and costume changes start flying. Somebody’s hiking up her skirt, some corpses are getting married, something about fingernails, melting ice cream cones, ugly street vendors, possible cattle-prod usage and public tinkling. Gaga goes at it all with gusto, in that amazing knack she has of creating startling but mesmerizing images that may not mean anything but she’s having such a hell of a good time that you’re right there with her.

  Anyway, the song proper starts, and we’re back with the original Gaga character, she of the black veils, now standing in the middle of what passes for an intersection in Podunk, Nebraska. She poses for a while, because her outfit is really striking and we need to study all of it, then she starts prancing around with an attitude, sashaying, while at the same time trying to fix one of her arms that has apparently short-circuited. Then she throws down a black rose and goes stomping toward an ice cream truck, which is exactly where I would go if my arm was making buzzing noises and didn’t have any flesh.

  Cut to another Gaga, this one wearing very little makeup and playing a piano in the middle of a cornfield at night. Sitting on top of said piano is Jo Calderone, the alter ego that Gaga has created as a means to… well, the jury’s still out on that one. But kudos to the special effects person that blended these two into the scene. You really believe that Jo is right there, smoking cigarettes and guzzling beer while Gaga bops her head dangerously close to Jo’s crotch. They look sweet together.

  We spend a little time with them, because when you stumble across a piano from the corn rather than a child, you might as well make the best of it. (We get some jump shots of Black Veil Gaga stomping around on those roads, but she doesn’t seem to know where she’s going so we can check back on her later.) While Gaga tinkles, this time with the piano keys and not herself, Jo does manly things like spit and grab at his crotch and not bathe.

  Hold up, more whirring images again. Some shirtless guy (good costume choice, sayin) is messing around with Gaga dressed as a severe RuPaul angel, another shirtless guy (or maybe the same, we’re just seeing torsos here, fine by me) is kissing a Gaga dressed as a dead nurse, and there’s something about a barn. Then we’re back to the RuPaul angel, and Shirtless is fiddling with chemistry-set looking things while RuPaul tries not to be eaten alive by her costume.

  And the possible barn theme is confirmed when we cut to a Green-Haired Gaga leading a line dance. (It’s just not a Gaga video without one.) Leave it to Gaga to all out hoof it up in a big production number involving horse stalls and haylofts. She and her girl posse flop around for a bit, stirring up dust that probably doesn’t feel good once it’s trapped under those leather outfits they are all barely wearing.

  While the Horsey Hoes pivot and twirl, we drop by one of the other set pieces in the video for a status update. RuPaul appears to be getting her mouth oiled by Shirtless, followed by something to do with an old-timey hypodermic being shoved into RuRu’s neck and causing her to…

  Turn into a mermaid? I think. All that’s certain is that we now have Gaga as FishWoman, reclining in an antique bathtub that would probably run you 25K at Restoration Hardware, while Shirtless is dumping pails of water on her. (He’s a very busy boy.) She’s also managed to lose her top somewhere along the line, testing the patience of censors with the creative use of a tiny strip of mer-flesh that just barely covers her nipples. (What’s the point, at this point, about even bothering to hide the points? Just asking.)

  Back to the Horsey Hoes and their Equus tribute. Everybody’s still hunching the hay with complete professionalism, showing no signs of stopping, so we can just let them be for now, although at some point they’ll need to find another place to dance because the cows are due for milking shortly. Bessie don’t play when it’s pail time.

  And we visit with Mer-Gaga once more, to find that she is hopelessly devoted to her breasts, caressing them with a love that usually only takes place on certain pay-per-view channels. We also have some mess with Shirtless shoving a gas mask at her, but there’s already so much going on that we’ll just let that go for now.

  Oh, look, it’s time for another montage. Black Veil Gaga is still stomping around that dusty intersection, so I’m not sure that she’s being all that productive. Mer-Gaga is splashing around in her tub in a manner that would have had me sent to my room as a youngster. And Jo and Plain Gaga are still mooning at each other under the harvest moon in the cornfield without children.

  Then the pace kicks up even more, and the jump cuts are too numerous to mention. Suffice it to say that, in general, Shirtless is really invested in transforming Gaga into something else. We’re just not sure what that else might be or exactly which Gaga he is working on at any given time, especially since some new Gagas start cropping up, like Black-Haired Gaga who seems to be doing aerobics in front of a giant wooden wheel while wearing a leftover Barbarella outfit.

  Hold-up, soft-porn alert. Shirtless and his tattoos are gettin’ busy with one of the Gagas, probably Mer-Gaga if you base it on breast-identification. But before the loosely-draped towel on his behind slides off like we want it to, we go back to that damn montage. Now we have images of splashing water, Plain Gaga leading a line dance in the cornfield (you knew it was coming), and a shot of Jo spitting off the back of the piano (how nice of him/her).

  Next we have another teasing snippet of that towel sliding lower on Shirtless, then scenes of Black Veil Gaga still not finding what she’s looking for, more cornfield choreography, Plain Gaga playing the piano with her foot, self-loving mermaids, questionable aerobics, religious references involving the signs of the cross and some hair gel, and a very convincing trick shot of Gaga kissing herself via Jo.

  Did I mention that things were a little busy in this video? Yep, they be.

  Oh, I almost forgot about the Horsey Hoes. We check in on them a few times, including a startling scene where Green-Haired Gaga has apparently managed to get herself stuck high up on a really aggressive stripper pole, and the other Hoes race up a convenient staircase to cut her down. Or something like that. It may have just been a political statement of some kind.

  Brief interlude where Shirtless is sitting around in flimsy, soaking-wet pajama bottoms while Mer-Gaga throws more water on him, then the montage fires up again. Barbarella Gaga is having some type of reaction to shellfish, Plain Gaga suddenly decides it would be fun to run a marathon in the cornfield, Dead-Nurse Gaga is still getting married or some such in the most confusing scenario of many confusing scenarios, and the towel finally gives it up and we get a partial booty shot of Shirtless atop Mer-Gaga. (Pause at 5:08, for those who roll that way, sayin.)

  The tilt-a-whirl finally starts to slow down, and we’re back with Black Veil Gaga, still on that road to nowhere, warbling the slower end of the song. The music fades, and we get one last look at Shirtless and Mer-Gaga, all cozy in their bathtub of lust, a glimpse of Dead-Nurse Gaga and her apparent groom, and a lonely, abandoned farmhouse where little boys and girls used to dream of growing up one day and doing whatever the hell they wanted and people would love them anyway…


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David Cook - “Fade Into Me”

  Note: This one is mostly concert footage mixed with David walking around some apparently deserted city (these things can be arranged when you have money) so we’ll have to do the timestamp thing…

0:02  Series of shots concerning lonely roads, farmland, livestock and what might have been a quick glimpse of a violated scarecrow. Or it might have been my third-grade teacher, she had that same look.

0:08 Random red tractor which is probably not the important part of the video.

0:14  David walking along a riverbank and rockin’ that neo-grunge look he’s perfected. In the distance is some type of fortress where they lock up people who misbehave at concerts. You have been warned.

0:23  Blurry images of people waiting to get into one of those concerts. Or maybe there was a really good sale on toaster ovens, not clear.

0:32  Somebody working at a giant control panel, which probably determines the best times for Kim Kardashian to pull off another pointless publicity stunt.

0:36  David and friend rush out the back door of some place they probably shouldn’t have been. I’m guessing adult video store.

0:41  Odd train going backwards.

0:45  David and band hold small church revival. Cable TV must have been on the fritz.

0:53  Blurry images of enraptured concert audience begging David to sweat in their direction.

1:06  Is that a UFO landing near the drummer?

1:10  Arty black-and-white shot of David channeling Roy Orbison.

1:14  Shadow footage of giant dog being swallowed by a brick building. (Seriously, play it again, what else could that be?)

1:18  Shot of David’s boot, which qualifies it for membership in the Screen Actor’s Guild.

1:24  David stupidly walks on train tracks, because nothing bad ever happens when you do that, right? (I guess he hasn’t seen the opening scenes of Fried Green Tomatoes, eh?)

1:31  David is forced to sit on fire escape because the hotel management frowns upon singing in the rooms.

1:36  Encore performance by Roy Orbison.

1:43  More walking on the train tracks. Dude, seriously, get your ass out of there. You only think you can outrun those things.

1:54  David makes possible obscene gesture using guitar. Horniness of audience, already at fever pitch, goes to 11.

2:05  David inexplicably refuses to use flight of stone steps and instead opts for balancing on the crumbling concrete railing. Alcohol most likely involved.

2:11  Bus arrives with another shipment of screaming fans, because original fans have to stop screaming after eight hours due to union rules.

2:18  What the hell is that expression for? Is David giving birth? To a Toyota?

2:28  Must be a long labor, poor guy.

2:43  Giant sign on stage lets us know that this is a David Cook concert, in case you wandered in here mistakenly, looking for the tri-county tractor pull.

2:55  David misunderstands the basics of patty cake, missing both the rhythm and a partner.

3:06  David surveys bridge that he might buy, just because he can. Decides to pass when the color doesn’t match his sunshades.

3:14  David poses somewhere with people that I don’t know. One of them is wearing a Cheap Trick t-shirt, so there might have been a misunderstanding at some point. Old-school Kenny Loggins makes an appearance on far right.

3:22  Banished David on fire escape finishes song, wonders if he’s allowed to go back into the hotel yet.

3:27  Childbirth David seems to have recovered quite well, already back down to pre-pregnancy weight.

3:32  Roy Orbison David turns out to not look like Roy at all in close-up. My bad.

3:34  Things wind down with a visual tribute to R.E.M. and Talking Heads videos. Editor gets inside-joke high-five, even if he didn’t realize he was doing that.


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Maroon 5 - “Sunday Morning”

  We start out with a mystifying close-up of glossy lips, then things shuffle around a bit until we realize that we are in a Japanese karaoke bar, with folks singing along to a previous Maroon 5 hit (imagine that). The people singing, although stylish and well-dressed, are not really all that good, so thankfully somebody puts a quarter in a jukebox, we get more odd images of light bulbs and random fruit, and then a still shot of a very sad little girl.

  Just as I’m wondering who in the hell she is, a title credit pops up under her with “Sunday Morning”. Well, no wonder she’s sad. Poor thing has been named after a Maroon 5 song, and no one will play with her.

  Another stream of scattered images (somebody in the editing room needs to stop drinking so much coffee), a brief shot of a different karaoke bar, and then we plunk down in Abbey Road studios, “3 months earlier”. This means nothing, but at least Adam is there, looking dapper in a prep-school outfit so we have something to look at until someone shows up with an explanation.

  He warbles for a bit, and the camera pans around and lets us review the other band members. (Hey wait, that one dude looks like he could be the dad of the sad little girl. Same hair, anyway. And he looks like the type of person that would name a child incorrectly.) Adam really seems to be enjoying himself, although it’s a little strange to see him just standing there instead of bouncing around the stage like he usually does. Maybe that sweater he’s wearing is really, really heavy.)

  Off we go with another stream of whatever images (stereo knobs, flowers, those starting-to-get-creepy glossy lips), then we land in a karaoke bar again. It’s a really fancy one, with people in evening wear and such, singing along with Adam. (Wow, look at the size of the mouth on that one girl. She’s got to be in a record book somewhere.) Sad little girl is back on the video monitor, singing as well, so she must be feeling a little better. Maybe she heard that SpongeBob got picked up for another season.

  Back to the band in the studio, with them focused on jamming and not on getting their hair cut. The camera comes at Adam from several different views, confirming that the little bastard looks good from any angle, damn him. Then we zip over to the karaoke bar again, where practically everyone has a microphone, and they all seem to be having a tremendous amount of fun, especially when there’s a mirror nearby where they can admire themselves.

  Studio once more, as the band rolls into the really jazzy part of the song, inspiring Adam to finally do some of his trademark stage moves, with him bouncing around like somebody left his underwear in the dryer too long. We stay with this scene for a while, with only a few interruptions from those streaming snippets of body parts and granola bars, as Adam gets down with his bad self.

  Back to the karaoke bar, where now we have everybody in the entire place belting the song, a sure sign that everybody has satisfied their drink-minimum requirement up in this grill. They’re all swaying to the song and hanging on to each other, which means this is the opportune time to get out of here because the parking lot will soon be crammed with drunken fools trying to figure out where their cars might be.

  And that’s pretty much it for the rest of the video. Adam really gets into the lyrics (especially that extended bit where he gets to holla “oh, YEAH, yeah!” about 75 times), the band members do band things, and the karaoke crowd has turned into one big family where everybody loves everybody else with that tequila-fueled kind of affection, a deep and lasting bond that disintegrates the next morning when you wake up with a swollen tongue and strange phone numbers crammed in your pocket.


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