Bruno Mars – “Locked Out Of Heaven”

  We start out with the video all blurry and jerky, making you think your internet signal is jacked again and you’ll have to spend three hours explaining to someone in India what your issue is. Then things settle down a bit, and we get quick shots of Bruno smoking a cigarette, a bunch of guys drinking beer and rolling dice in an alley, and two women about to suck face. I’m guessing they won’t be showing this video on the Disney Family channel, unless there’s a redemptive section later on where Katie Couric shows up and gets these young uns back on the right track.

  But first we get to see Bruno and his band performing on a small stage somewhere. It’s possibly outside, maybe even on a bar patio, but they keep up the fuzzy thing with the video quality so things aren’t especially clear. Wherever they are, it must be kind of hot, because everyone is sweating. It might just be hormones. Or maybe they all got food poisoning at the same time. Something is causing these people to glisten in the night.

  Despite the heat and/or possible dysentery, the audience appears to be having a swell time, bopping around to the beat as much as their tight clothing will allow them to do. Bruno seems to be the one most invested in the bopping, boinging all over the stage with startling intensity. The rest of the band doesn’t seem as interested in a good cardio workout, but it’s not their name on the record album so they really don’t care.

  Another sprinkling of the two women hot for each other. I’m not sure what theme Bruno is trying to develop here. Is it trendy now for otherwise straight women to say hello by giving each other some tongue and breathing heavily? I haven’t been to the clubs in a while, my bad.

  Anyway, Bruno continues to sing and bop. This does get a tad boring after a bit, so we pan the audience to see who is wearing the trashiest outfit. It’s kind of hard to get the full spectacle of anyone’s ensemble, though, because the dance that apparently goes along with this song mainly involves bending over and whipping your hair around. It’s like we walked into a squadron of low-flying helicopters. We may have to wait for them to land before we can award the Trash Trophy.

  More shots of the stage, and I finally notice two women with really aggressive hairdos have joined the show at some point. They don’t seem to have any instruments and they aren’t singing, so their purpose in life is a little unclear. Oh wait, one of them just bent over backwards in reaction to some of the lyrics, which causes her peaches to really shake in their tree. Okay, got it.

  And I guess most of the audience gets it as well, because after they see Georgia try to touch the sky without using her hands, they all want some of that action as well. So we go from hairy helicopters to gymnasts hitting the Big O while doing a backbend. No wonder these people are so sweaty up in here.

  We check back in on Bruno, and he’s still essentially doing the same thing, but it’s only polite that we watch him for a while since it’s his gig and all. Oh look, the other band members are finally getting into the physical swing of things, and everyone is pinballing around the stage with an enthusiasm that surely has nothing to do with alcohol or medicinal herbs. Bruno even shows Georgia some love by hugging her tight with one arm. (Or maybe he’s just trying to keep her from doing that back thing again because it’s not covered by his insurance.)

  At 1:25, there’s a quick shot of Daryl Hannah wearing a dark wig and dancing in slo-mo in the audience. No explanation is given for this development.

  We also get a couple close-ups of some guy playing the machine that makes those quick-scratch noises in the song. Apparently you no longer have to manipulate vinyl records to get those interesting effects. You just a push a button and the machine does it for you. This makes me a little sad, because the live scratching was fun back in the day. It makes me sadder to realize that most of the people watching this video would scratch their heads at the phrase “vinyl records”, thinking it must be a drag name or a housing complex.

  Suddenly, we’re out of the club and somewhere on the street. Bruno and the guys are posing for a photo shoot, with the pictures being taken by a woman that might be Georgia. (People always look different in the light of day, yes? I’ve had many shocking morning-after experiences that fully document this scenario. I’m still in therapy about some of them.) Then the menfolk run off to finish that dice game we glimpsed earlier, with more drinking and smoking and the breaking of at least 7 of the 10 commandments and possibly some zoning laws.

  Then we head back to the nightclub/open-air sauna for more of the same as before. Singing and dancing and bouncing. (At 2:24, Alannah Currie from “The Thompson Twins” makes a cameo by running across the stage, trying to get away from her hair. No explanation is given for this development.) We get another round of the lusty women grasping each other in a steamy manner, with this series of images making them look like Wendy and Lisa from Prince’s band back in the day when he ruled the world with “Purple Rain”.

  Speaking of doves crying, has Bruno considered the possibility that he’s been locked out of heaven because he’s been trying to date lesbians? That would certainly make things a little messy.

  We jump around again, and now we’re in a place where really happy people are guzzling alcohol like there’s some kind of prize and then playing spin-the-bottle. This doesn’t last very long, so some fool must have called the po-po, and we head back to the nightclub/Turkish baths. Georgia and Alannah are having an energetic dance-off, probably to determine who has the better hair-altitude, which somehow triggers a shot of Wendy and Lisa finally sealing the deal with their lips. (Love is very complicated. That’s why they invented pop songs and therapists.)

  As the video and the final chorus rolls to an end, with more sweat and hormones flying, we start getting images of Bruno wearing a special hat and looking vaguely like a cast member of The Sopranos. He appears to be at a press conference, where he might be answering questions about various charges filed against him or announcing that his next album will be entitled Holy Crap It Was Hot up in That Joint We Played Last Night. Then the camera zooms in for a close-up of Bruno and we freeze frame.

  Meanwhile, Melissa Etheridge drives up on a Harley and leaves a toaster oven in the club parking lot for Wendy and Lisa…

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No Doubt – “Spiderwebs”

  We start out in a super-deluxe restaurant, with folks in high-end couture and 47 different forks in a place setting. There may have just been a wedding, because we have a couple dressed as bride and groom, but you never know what the club kids might be wearing for kicks these days. There are Japanese subtitles that might explain what is going on, but I grew up in Oklahoma and the only foreign language offered at my high school was Proper English.

  Then we suddenly have Gwen front and center, wearing another one of her mid-90’s ensembles that walked a very fine line between “that is SO cute” and “was there a loss of oxygen at a critical point in her childhood?”.  She kicks off some odd dance moves that involve squatting and waving her arms, a bit of choreography that seems vaguely Russian-inspired, but I doubt that was the particular theme that Gwen had in mind. After a quick montage of people that we don’t know, Gwen finally stands up and does some leg kicks to show off her interesting plaid pants and combat boots.

  Then I realize that the cinematographer is using a fish-eye lens that distorts things, with Gwen and company purposely doing quirky moves that might look fun on film when your vision is jacked. Okay, got it. Late to the party, didn’t take the right drugs, but I can drink vodka really fast and catch up. There’s another montage of the Japanese people, but we still don’t learn anything about what they might be doing or why that one bitter woman thought her hairstyle choice was appropriate.

  At 27 seconds in, Gwen thrusts her plaid crotch at the fish-eye, creating a distorted and startling image that is now on the hard drives of horny teenage males across the planet. (Crotch-thrusting crosses all cultural barriers, yes?) I’m not sure we can top this golden moment, but we’ll see.

  Gwen finally starts singing, probably because her legs are tired, and we get a long shot of the goings on so we can see that No Doubt is actually performing for this high-end crowd and not just uninvited guests looking for free alcohol. It’s still not clear why the people at this function would put the band on their evening’s agenda, but the audience/dinner guests aren’t calling security, so I guess it’s all good.

  We jump into the hyperactive chorus, and Gwen seems to be especially angry about something, but before we can ask her what’s up, we go back to the fish-eye lens thing so the guitarists can shove their distorted instruments at us. It’s not as much fun as the nether-shoving, but it’s passable entertainment until they serve the second course. There’s a brief shot of the bride and groom again, and they both look terrified. It’s not clear if one of them has a secret (like a surprise pregnancy or maybe some same-sex inclinations) or if they won’t be able to sleep after seeing Gwen’s Glen coming at them.

  Speaking of, Gwen does that move a couple more times, so we can understand that it was definitely on purpose and not something awkward that happened due to an aggressive gas bubble. Cut to the bride hurling her bouquet over her shoulder, way past her friends and relatives (is she a shot-putter for Team Japan?) and right into Gwen’s hands as she is straddling a stone statue. (No explanation for the straddling, she’s just doing it.) Gwen then cuts her finger on a rose thorn. Is this a tribute to Poison? Are they the second act, served along with the sorbets?

  Oh, I guess Gwen didn’t take kindly to the unrequested puncturing, because the video goes to black and white, and suddenly we have a wicked-ass wind blowing all over the place. Windows are breaking and toupees are flying. Then we see that telephones are flying around in the air. Lots of them. Say what?

  Back to the chorus, with Gwen and company ratcheting things up while the party patrons run for their lives from the offspring of Alexander Bell. It’s kind of like an Alfred Hitchcock movie, only not at all. To their credit, No Doubt keeps playing, despite the fact that their audience is now heading for the hills, or at least to the parking valet. More Japanese subtitles are popping up, probably saying things like “Emergency exits are located over the wing” and “Please remember to tip your server”. Or maybe not.

  Then we roll into a mess where the band members have apparently been sucked up into the windstorm. (This is what you get for not unplugging and running like hell when the mayhem started. Yes, you should be dedicated to your art. No, you shouldn’t be a dumbass when your art can get you killed.) They swirl through the air for a bit, then I realize that what I thought was an artsy symbol for a tornado is actually a big-ass phone cord. What is the obsession with these people about phones from the devil?

  Oh, wait. The song is about some guy calling Gwen all the time and tormenting her with poetry. Apparently I need to drink even more vodka to catch up. (Did I mention that I was from Oklahoma? I saw cows every day. Can you hear me now?)

  We get another montage of the band still playing and not being sucked into a vortex, so we have some timeline issues, then we get a shot of someone stomping on a piece of wedding cake as they haul ass down the ornate stairs outside the foo-foo restaurant. This is probably a critical piece of information that we will have to decipher later. Then we have more images of people running and screaming from the mobile phones and/or the possibility that Gwen will straddle something else.

  Okay, now there’s something about the band members being entangled in a spider web of phone cords, the first bit of symbolism that doesn’t have to be explained to me with hand puppets, and then we’re back to Gwen jacking around with the fish-eye lens. She does a bit with her arms that calls to mind Joan Crawford discovering satanic wire hangers where they shouldn’t be, and then we have a sequence with her stomping like the enchiladas are putting up a fight. Gwen sure has a lot of energy, yes she do.

  More scenes of the band members being violated by the phone cords. It’s time to go wireless, people.

  And more shots of the band playing, with an intense determination, still not aware (or at least ignoring) the fact that Mother Nature or AT&T or some other conglomerate is not happy with how things are going down in this restaurant and they have decided to smite the participants. (In defiance, Gwen thrusts her squeeze box a few more times so Daddy can never sleep at night.)

  Then Gwen decides to fight back, first executing a graceful karate move that sends some of the telephony instruments flying to Jesus, then she hops on a convenient stone column thingy that allows her to snarl and wave her hands menacingly. Somehow, through the magic of music videos that are slightly unclear but still mesmerizing, she and her band-mates and some guy with demonic hair (where did he come from?) manages to destroy the communications pestilence that has taken over the land, or at least a trendy bistro.

  The video ends with Gwen and the Doubts walking down an alleyway, still alive and fully capable of fulfilling their record contract, because that’s what you should always do after saving the world or performing at a venue with subtitles. ..

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Train – “50 Ways To Say Goodbye”

  We start off with lead singer Pat fondling some tomatoes at a grocery store, because that’s just one of the things you do when your band isn’t currently touring and your Saturday nights are suddenly free. Lo and behold, here comes David Hasselhoff strolling up, after having apparently goosed a woman in a mini-skirt. (Did she smell like a cheeseburger?) The two of them stand there and chit-chat about the freshness of the produce (because straight guys always do that) until David gets bored with checking for firmness and asks the question “where’s your girlfriend?”.

  Cut to one of the store aisles, where a mariachi band is playing. (This always seems to happen near the jars of olives, have you noticed that?) Pat and David just glare at the performing trio, probably because they both need some of those olives for a nice antipasto they were planning on serving to dinner guests and now they can’t get to them. There’s a lot of heartbreak and obstructionism in grocery stores these days.

  But we can’t worry too much about that, because it’s time for Pat to start singing, and he chooses to do so in front of the fresh-meat glass cases. (The attendant appears to be a bit miffed about Pat not having taken a number yet still wanting to be served, but what can you do when celebrities want meat?) Quick shot of Pat waving a banana in another part of the store, then he’s back at the meat counter where the attendant is pulling on rubber gloves. Oh? Is Pat about to get his prostate checked as well? This is truly a full-service retail establishment.

  Another quick shot, this one of a scantily-clad woman in a bathroom. I’m assuming it’s not the bathroom at the grocery store, because it’s relatively clean and we don’t have any graffiti on the walls. But we don’t actually see the woman’s face and she’s gone before we can ask any questions like “Who are you?” and “What happened to most of your clothes?”.

  Back to Pat wandering around the store and vocalizing while he snatches up prunes and such, another cameo with him at the meat counter, and then we have the whole band performing at a venue that looks like a glorified high-school prom. (Those blue curtains have got to go.) Since this is the peppy chorus, everyone is really excited and banging on their instruments with gusto while Pat bounces and does hand choreography.

  This triggers a montage of scenes where we get to see more of the Bathroom Woman and we learn three things: One, the woman is apparently Pat’s girlfriend (why isn’t she helping him with the shopping?), two, she is played by the actress Taryn Manning (isn’t she supposed to tormenting her brother on Hawaii Five-0 and not shacking up with Pat?), and three, Pat is very invested in thinking of creative ways to kill Taryn’s perky but somewhat tawdry ass.

  We have no idea what Taryn has done to deserve an expedited trip to the cemetery, but it must have been really bad for Pat to write a whole song about it. (Maybe it was the startling hair style that Taryn brazenly wore in the one scene with the swimming pool. Who knows.)

  We drop back by the high-school prom to see that the band is still keeping the crowd excited as they wait to hear who won King and Queen of the FFA Hog-Calling contest, then we zip over to the olive aisle in the store so we can watch the mariachi band play some more, reminding us of who started all this mess in the first place, in case you feel the urge to file litigation of some kind. The camera stays on them for quite some time in case you need to identify them in a police line-up.

  More jumping around, then we settle on Pat and the Grim Reaper in one of the grocery store aisles, possibly arguing over the best type of cooking oil or spaghetti sauce one should use for the entrée. (I really don’t know what Pat is holding as he argues with Death. I’m more concerned about the big-ass scythe Death is clutching as the words get more heated.) This is followed by a quick run-thru of Pat meeting an Hassidic Jew who keeps fingering the scallions, Pat purchasing the bananas that he has apparently developed a relationship with, and Pat letting Death sniff some sardines in a can.

  No idea.

  Oh wait, we’re back to another montage involving Taryn, a review of more of the creative ways she can head home to Jesus. (Or Satan. Who am I to judge?) There’s some mess about a lion (David Hasselhoff tries to act like a lion in support of this plot point, and he probably shouldn’t have, not his best look), a bit where Taryn is strobe-lighted to death by an aggressive lesbian at the Valley Girl Disco, and Taryn stepping on a tack at the top of a staircase so that some stagehand can throw a clearly fake dummy that doesn’t even look like Taryn toward the bottom of the stars.

  But the most startling image in this whole gee-whiz ride of loopiness? The scenes where Pat and David are holding un-shucked ears of corn at each other so they can use them as microphones and perform a duet.  There’s so much Freudian slippage going on there that I could get 27 blog posts out of it.

  And that’s basically how we roll through the rest of the video. We get further examples of how Taryn can depart the Earth, although we don’t get anywhere near 50 of them, because that would require a mini-series starring Tori Spelling and Valerie Bertinelli. (My favorite of the batch? The one where Taryn gets buried in a freshly-poured section of sidewalk, her legs sticking in the air, and a passing Housewife of Rodeo Drive snatches off Taryn’s designer shoes and hightails it up the street. You go, gurl!)

  And there’s more of Pat swapping triple-coupons with the Grim Reaper in the Dairy aisle, more of David hamming it up in the produce aisle (possibly way more than is completely necessary, to the point where you wonder if he’s really in on the joke or if he thinks he’s starring in a Baywatch reunion where he got hit in the head by a surfboard too many times), and some more fun in the meat aisle, where the butcher is using a pig’s foot to stamp out what happens when poor decisions are made at the deli counter.

  The mariachi band keeps playing throughout all of this, so we still can’t rule them out as the true source of the problem and a possible portal to Hell. Maybe it’s the over-use of embroidery on their outfits that is making them bitter and vindictive.

  Oh, and there’s a final death tableau with Taryn where she leans out of her car window to better study a swarthy muscleman posing as a road-construction worker, only to have her head lopped off by a passing car driven by one of those extremely old geezers who shouldn’t be allowed access to a vehicle or re-elected to Congress. The head flies into the yard of a nearby house, where the MTV-raised children proceed to use Taryn’s noggin as a soccer ball, with one of them quickly scoring a goal. (Was this thing directed by David Lynch?)

  The song proper ends, and we’re back in the produce section, where Pat and David first fondled hothouse tomatoes together and bonded over shared corncobs. David is trying to console Pat over the horrid death(s) of his beloved, using the acting style of “I’m not really sure what to do here so I’m going to repeat the word ‘horrible’ 46 times and hope it reads as real”. Then here comes Taryn waltzing up, completely un-dead, waving around a zucchini, and acting completely clueless about (or at least not offended by) the fact that her boyfriend has tried to kill her 50 times. She then plucks up an el diablo tomato and wanders off, as Patt and Hoff realize that they can’t go on tour together just yet…

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