Bruno Mars – “Locked Out Of Heaven”

  We start out with the video all blurry and jerky, making you think your internet signal is jacked again and you’ll have to spend three hours explaining to someone in India what your issue is. Then things settle down a bit, and we get quick shots of Bruno smoking a cigarette, a bunch of guys drinking beer and rolling dice in an alley, and two women about to suck face. I’m guessing they won’t be showing this video on the Disney Family channel, unless there’s a redemptive section later on where Katie Couric shows up and gets these young uns back on the right track.

  But first we get to see Bruno and his band performing on a small stage somewhere. It’s possibly outside, maybe even on a bar patio, but they keep up the fuzzy thing with the video quality so things aren’t especially clear. Wherever they are, it must be kind of hot, because everyone is sweating. It might just be hormones. Or maybe they all got food poisoning at the same time. Something is causing these people to glisten in the night.

  Despite the heat and/or possible dysentery, the audience appears to be having a swell time, bopping around to the beat as much as their tight clothing will allow them to do. Bruno seems to be the one most invested in the bopping, boinging all over the stage with startling intensity. The rest of the band doesn’t seem as interested in a good cardio workout, but it’s not their name on the record album so they really don’t care.

  Another sprinkling of the two women hot for each other. I’m not sure what theme Bruno is trying to develop here. Is it trendy now for otherwise straight women to say hello by giving each other some tongue and breathing heavily? I haven’t been to the clubs in a while, my bad.

  Anyway, Bruno continues to sing and bop. This does get a tad boring after a bit, so we pan the audience to see who is wearing the trashiest outfit. It’s kind of hard to get the full spectacle of anyone’s ensemble, though, because the dance that apparently goes along with this song mainly involves bending over and whipping your hair around. It’s like we walked into a squadron of low-flying helicopters. We may have to wait for them to land before we can award the Trash Trophy.

  More shots of the stage, and I finally notice two women with really aggressive hairdos have joined the show at some point. They don’t seem to have any instruments and they aren’t singing, so their purpose in life is a little unclear. Oh wait, one of them just bent over backwards in reaction to some of the lyrics, which causes her peaches to really shake in their tree. Okay, got it.

  And I guess most of the audience gets it as well, because after they see Georgia try to touch the sky without using her hands, they all want some of that action as well. So we go from hairy helicopters to gymnasts hitting the Big O while doing a backbend. No wonder these people are so sweaty up in here.

  We check back in on Bruno, and he’s still essentially doing the same thing, but it’s only polite that we watch him for a while since it’s his gig and all. Oh look, the other band members are finally getting into the physical swing of things, and everyone is pinballing around the stage with an enthusiasm that surely has nothing to do with alcohol or medicinal herbs. Bruno even shows Georgia some love by hugging her tight with one arm. (Or maybe he’s just trying to keep her from doing that back thing again because it’s not covered by his insurance.)

  At 1:25, there’s a quick shot of Daryl Hannah wearing a dark wig and dancing in slo-mo in the audience. No explanation is given for this development.

  We also get a couple close-ups of some guy playing the machine that makes those quick-scratch noises in the song. Apparently you no longer have to manipulate vinyl records to get those interesting effects. You just a push a button and the machine does it for you. This makes me a little sad, because the live scratching was fun back in the day. It makes me sadder to realize that most of the people watching this video would scratch their heads at the phrase “vinyl records”, thinking it must be a drag name or a housing complex.

  Suddenly, we’re out of the club and somewhere on the street. Bruno and the guys are posing for a photo shoot, with the pictures being taken by a woman that might be Georgia. (People always look different in the light of day, yes? I’ve had many shocking morning-after experiences that fully document this scenario. I’m still in therapy about some of them.) Then the menfolk run off to finish that dice game we glimpsed earlier, with more drinking and smoking and the breaking of at least 7 of the 10 commandments and possibly some zoning laws.

  Then we head back to the nightclub/open-air sauna for more of the same as before. Singing and dancing and bouncing. (At 2:24, Alannah Currie from “The Thompson Twins” makes a cameo by running across the stage, trying to get away from her hair. No explanation is given for this development.) We get another round of the lusty women grasping each other in a steamy manner, with this series of images making them look like Wendy and Lisa from Prince’s band back in the day when he ruled the world with “Purple Rain”.

  Speaking of doves crying, has Bruno considered the possibility that he’s been locked out of heaven because he’s been trying to date lesbians? That would certainly make things a little messy.

  We jump around again, and now we’re in a place where really happy people are guzzling alcohol like there’s some kind of prize and then playing spin-the-bottle. This doesn’t last very long, so some fool must have called the po-po, and we head back to the nightclub/Turkish baths. Georgia and Alannah are having an energetic dance-off, probably to determine who has the better hair-altitude, which somehow triggers a shot of Wendy and Lisa finally sealing the deal with their lips. (Love is very complicated. That’s why they invented pop songs and therapists.)

  As the video and the final chorus rolls to an end, with more sweat and hormones flying, we start getting images of Bruno wearing a special hat and looking vaguely like a cast member of The Sopranos. He appears to be at a press conference, where he might be answering questions about various charges filed against him or announcing that his next album will be entitled Holy Crap It Was Hot up in That Joint We Played Last Night. Then the camera zooms in for a close-up of Bruno and we freeze frame.

  Meanwhile, Melissa Etheridge drives up on a Harley and leaves a toaster oven in the club parking lot for Wendy and Lisa…

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