We start out with
Mariah riding on a tire swing near a river or a lake, whooshing back and forth
from the bank to the more serious depths of the water while moonlight caresses
both her body and her cute little country-girl outfit. She’s acting like she’s
having the best time out here on her own and wanting nothing more than to
straddle a giant piece of rubber, but you know full well there’s an army of
stylists just out of view, ready to rush in and comfort her with beauty
products the very second that the director hollers “Cut!”
We zoom in for
some close-ups of Mariah’s face, just so we can make sure it’s really her
braving the wilderness as well as admire her latest hairstyle. She seems to be
a little pensive about something, and we’re probably supposed to wonder what
she might be thinking about, but all I’m
really thinking about is the size of that ring on her finger. Girl, why you
gonna wear that while you’re airborne over some pond? That ring could end up in
the belly of a catfish and eventually on the dinner table of someone named
Bubba.
Quick shot of what
appears to be a young boy sitting on a bed in one of those cabins they have at
those camps where distracted parents send their kids for the summer. He doesn’t
introduce himself so it’s not immediately clear what his purpose might be.
Back to Mariah,
who is now really invested in giving that tire swing a workout. She’s basically
laid full out on the tire, using both her pointed toes and her hair to get some
serious swinging going on. (That sound you hear is the gasp of one of her
personal assistants who will probably lose her job if Mariah’s hair actually
touches the filthy country water.)
This is followed
by another shot of the boy in the cabin, or maybe it’s another boy, because his
shirt looks a little different. It’s hard to tell what’s going on with the
cabin boys, since it’s very dark, just like it always is in slasher movies when
bit-players are getting killed before the lead actor figures out what’s going
on and tries to save the head cheerleader because she has second-billing and
that’s what he’s supposed to do.
More of Mariah
and her pointy toes swinging, mixed with tight shots of her head posing
seductively next to one of the ropes. She even reaches down at one point and
runs her hand through the water, causing the panic-stricken personal assistant
to dial 9-1-1 and request a Hazmat Unit. But Mariah just smiles and carries on
with the back and forth, so I guess she’ll be just fine after having poked a
manicured nail into water that wasn’t double-filtered by her staff in Italy.
Cabins again, and
it appears that we are seeing two different
people, a boy and a girl, both of them tossing restlessly in their
separate cabins, unable to sleep because of unmet needs. (This sequence is
mixed with more shots of Mariah and her ring endlessly swaying to and fro as
she waits for someone to hand her the latest Hot 100 list from Billboard.) The
boy (we’ll call him Bucky) puts on a cute little hat, which we’ll assume gives
him superpowers of some kind, and he hops out a window of his cabin.
We get a shot of
the girl (we’ll call her Bambi) as she sits there in her non-feminine soccer
shirt and waits for her life to get better. This happens roughly three seconds
later, when Bucky appears at her window, helping her leap to freedom, and they
both scamper off to do whatever it is that unsupervised children do at camps
late at night when all the counselors are busy playing slap and tickle in the
woods.
Mariah chooses
this moment in the plot to reposition herself in front of a nice campfire. I
guess she’s standing too close to the flames, because the heat forces her to
unbutton her blouse to a risky degree, meaning she really shouldn’t do any
jumping jacks at the moment or someone will get a black eye. Happily, Mariah’s
hotness does not stop the fleeing children from achieving their goal of running
through the night forest with complete abandon.
Bucky and Bambi
run past another location where some adults (are these the counselors that aren’t
paying attention to the kids?) are sitting around another campfire and smiling
in a way that might indicate alcohol-consumption. B and B don’t want any part
of that, so they keep running, because when you’re young and haven’t been
beaten down by a meaningless job for thirty years, you still have lots of
energy.
This kicks off a
montage, with Mariah and her easy-access shirt harmonizing together at the one
campfire, the adults getting festive and possibly intimate at the other
campfire, and Bucky and Bambi running hither and yon as they work the sugar
snacks out of their system. (Side note: Mariah really likes to raise her hands
over her head. Was she one of those over-eager people who loved answering
questions from the teacher in junior high?)
Eventually, Bed
and Breakfast make their way to the shore of whatever body of water caused the
nearby Camp Abandon-Kids-for-the-Summer to be built. (Presumably it’s the same
water where Mariah was previously swinging in her own personal cove, but who
knows. Mariah might be in another state and they just left things up to the
video editor.) Bucky and Bambi appear to be very excited about arriving at
their destination, but first we cut back to Mariah for a while, so she can do
more things with that tire swing.
Brief shot of the
moon for no apparent reason. Are werewolves about to be involved in some way?
Oh wait, now
Bucky and Bambi have found their own tire swings, and they attack these
conveniently side-by-side swings with a vengeance, more of that youthful
exuberance that comes from not having to pay monthly bills for eternity. Cut to
Mariah on her own swing, with her standing up on the tire and wailing some
especially-high notes that may or may not have something to do with the way she
is clenching one of the swing ropes between her legs as she whizzes past us in
a frenzied manner.
More shots of the
adults (supposedly) at that one campfire where nothing is really happening
other than an overall sense that an orgy is not out of the question. People
seem to be bouncing to some music that we can’t hear, that’s about the only
certainty. Otherwise, this could be a gathering of Jesuit Priests and their
confused groupies or a meeting of Naturist Streetwalkers and their favorite
customers. It’s completely up in the air.
And Mariah’s not
explaining anything, because she’s back on that swing, currently focused on
dipping various body parts in the swamp and achieving maximum velocity so that
her pimped-out rubber ride can do a 360 around the old oak tree that just
wishes all these people would go away and quit tying things to its limbs.
Okay, new
development, as both Bucky and Bambi leap from their swings and plunge into the
fetid water that is so troubling Mariah’s Personal Assistant #423, who will
most likely be replaced within minutes of this video ending. As Mariah
continues to whiz through the air like a Grammy-winning piñata on overdrive, B
and B swim toward one another underwater and share a kiss while bubbles and
bubbling hormones float around them.
Meanwhile, I
still have no idea about the purpose of the people at the second campfire. Are
they from Child Protective Services, conducting an investigation? Are they
Mariah’s team of lawyers? Are they waiting for raves to become popular in this
part of the country? Is there a sale at
Macy’s and they really, really want to be first in line?
Mariah just
smiles and swings. You’ll have to wait for her next album to get the 4-1-1…
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