We start off with lead singer Pat fondling some tomatoes at a grocery store, because that’s just one of the things you do when your band isn’t currently touring and your Saturday nights are suddenly free. Lo and behold, here comes David Hasselhoff strolling up, after having apparently goosed a woman in a mini-skirt. (Did she smell like a cheeseburger?) The two of them stand there and chit-chat about the freshness of the produce (because straight guys always do that) until David gets bored with checking for firmness and asks the question “where’s your girlfriend?”.
Cut to one of the store aisles, where a mariachi band is playing. (This always seems to happen near the jars of olives, have you noticed that?) Pat and David just glare at the performing trio, probably because they both need some of those olives for a nice antipasto they were planning on serving to dinner guests and now they can’t get to them. There’s a lot of heartbreak and obstructionism in grocery stores these days.
But we can’t worry too much about that, because it’s time for Pat to start singing, and he chooses to do so in front of the fresh-meat glass cases. (The attendant appears to be a bit miffed about Pat not having taken a number yet still wanting to be served, but what can you do when celebrities want meat?) Quick shot of Pat waving a banana in another part of the store, then he’s back at the meat counter where the attendant is pulling on rubber gloves. Oh? Is Pat about to get his prostate checked as well? This is truly a full-service retail establishment.
Another quick shot, this one of a scantily-clad woman in a bathroom. I’m assuming it’s not the bathroom at the grocery store, because it’s relatively clean and we don’t have any graffiti on the walls. But we don’t actually see the woman’s face and she’s gone before we can ask any questions like “Who are you?” and “What happened to most of your clothes?”.
Back to Pat wandering around the store and vocalizing while he snatches up prunes and such, another cameo with him at the meat counter, and then we have the whole band performing at a venue that looks like a glorified high-school prom. (Those blue curtains have got to go.) Since this is the peppy chorus, everyone is really excited and banging on their instruments with gusto while Pat bounces and does hand choreography.
This triggers a montage of scenes where we get to see more of the Bathroom Woman and we learn three things: One, the woman is apparently Pat’s girlfriend (why isn’t she helping him with the shopping?), two, she is played by the actress Taryn Manning (isn’t she supposed to tormenting her brother on Hawaii Five-0 and not shacking up with Pat?), and three, Pat is very invested in thinking of creative ways to kill Taryn’s perky but somewhat tawdry ass.
We have no idea what Taryn has done to deserve an expedited trip to the cemetery, but it must have been really bad for Pat to write a whole song about it. (Maybe it was the startling hair style that Taryn brazenly wore in the one scene with the swimming pool. Who knows.)
We drop back by the high-school prom to see that the band is still keeping the crowd excited as they wait to hear who won King and Queen of the FFA Hog-Calling contest, then we zip over to the olive aisle in the store so we can watch the mariachi band play some more, reminding us of who started all this mess in the first place, in case you feel the urge to file litigation of some kind. The camera stays on them for quite some time in case you need to identify them in a police line-up.
More jumping around, then we settle on Pat and the Grim Reaper in one of the grocery store aisles, possibly arguing over the best type of cooking oil or spaghetti sauce one should use for the entrée. (I really don’t know what Pat is holding as he argues with Death. I’m more concerned about the big-ass scythe Death is clutching as the words get more heated.) This is followed by a quick run-thru of Pat meeting an Hassidic Jew who keeps fingering the scallions, Pat purchasing the bananas that he has apparently developed a relationship with, and Pat letting Death sniff some sardines in a can.
Oh wait, we’re back to another montage involving Taryn, a review of more of the creative ways she can head home to Jesus. (Or Satan. Who am I to judge?) There’s some mess about a lion (David Hasselhoff tries to act like a lion in support of this plot point, and he probably shouldn’t have, not his best look), a bit where Taryn is strobe-lighted to death by an aggressive lesbian at the Valley Girl Disco, and Taryn stepping on a tack at the top of a staircase so that some stagehand can throw a clearly fake dummy that doesn’t even look like Taryn toward the bottom of the stars.
But the most startling image in this whole gee-whiz ride of loopiness? The scenes where Pat and David are holding un-shucked ears of corn at each other so they can use them as microphones and perform a duet. There’s so much Freudian slippage going on there that I could get 27 blog posts out of it.
And that’s basically how we roll through the rest of the video. We get further examples of how Taryn can depart the Earth, although we don’t get anywhere near 50 of them, because that would require a mini-series starring Tori Spelling and Valerie Bertinelli. (My favorite of the batch? The one where Taryn gets buried in a freshly-poured section of sidewalk, her legs sticking in the air, and a passing Housewife of Rodeo Drive snatches off Taryn’s designer shoes and hightails it up the street. You go, gurl!)
And there’s more of Pat swapping triple-coupons with the Grim Reaper in the Dairy aisle, more of David hamming it up in the produce aisle (possibly way more than is completely necessary, to the point where you wonder if he’s really in on the joke or if he thinks he’s starring in a Baywatch reunion where he got hit in the head by a surfboard too many times), and some more fun in the meat aisle, where the butcher is using a pig’s foot to stamp out what happens when poor decisions are made at the deli counter.
The mariachi band keeps playing throughout all of this, so we still can’t rule them out as the true source of the problem and a possible portal to Hell. Maybe it’s the over-use of embroidery on their outfits that is making them bitter and vindictive.
Oh, and there’s a final death tableau with Taryn where she leans out of her car window to better study a swarthy muscleman posing as a road-construction worker, only to have her head lopped off by a passing car driven by one of those extremely old geezers who shouldn’t be allowed access to a vehicle or re-elected to Congress. The head flies into the yard of a nearby house, where the MTV-raised children proceed to use Taryn’s noggin as a soccer ball, with one of them quickly scoring a goal. (Was this thing directed by David Lynch?)
The song proper ends, and we’re back in the produce section, where Pat and David first fondled hothouse tomatoes together and bonded over shared corncobs. David is trying to console Pat over the horrid death(s) of his beloved, using the acting style of “I’m not really sure what to do here so I’m going to repeat the word ‘horrible’ 46 times and hope it reads as real”. Then here comes Taryn waltzing up, completely un-dead, waving around a zucchini, and acting completely clueless about (or at least not offended by) the fact that her boyfriend has tried to kill her 50 times. She then plucks up an el diablo tomato and wanders off, as Patt and Hoff realize that they can’t go on tour together just yet…
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