Blink-182 – “All The Small Things”

  We start out with the Blinkers apparently having just stepped off a private jet. They’re all wearing completely white outfits, so either they’re practicing to be orderlies or they’ve just returned from Fantasy Island. Then we suddenly cut to a crowd of fans somewhere, with Mark (I think) dancing around in his underwear whilst wearing an odd hat. This is a possible sign of the Apocalypse, so we should all pack a bag and prepare to run like hell, just in case.

  Then the rest of the band shows up, and now we have Tom acting all ghetto-fabulous while the other guys pretend that they’re his backup singers only without coordinated moves or hairstyles. Zip over to Tom wearing what might be a bustier made out of Minnie Mouse’s ears, winking at us because the outfit makes him feel unbelievably sexy. (There are some other people behind him wearing matching camouflage pants and trying to dance, but you really don’t care what they’re doing since we can’t get past the bustier.)

  We get to see the band actually perform for roughly two seconds, then we’re flying all over the place again, with more of the ghetto fab, the rodent undergarments, the underwear, and hundreds of screaming women who are either terrified or incredibly horny. (There’s also some mess with the three guys wearing candy-colored silk shirts and sporting blacked-out teeth, making them look like hillbillies that got hit by an exploding Oompa Loompa.)

  And the uncertainty continues, with more of Tom leading his camouflage dance troupe where no one is really paying attention to him, the guys getting all boy-band on a beach with matching black t-shirts and crashing waves, the underwear that remains startling with each new shot, Mark getting jealous and wanting his own bustier, something about an airplane hangar and a possible jet-fuel spill that makes people assume a squatting position, and the women who are screaming in either agony or ecstasy.

  (I look down and realize that we’re only one minute into the video. If we keep this pace up, my fingers are gonna snap right off of this keyboard. These guys need to settle down and let the backup dancers do something for a while. Then I look back at the video and realize that during my one-second distraction I’ve probably missed 47 jump shots and at least one round of Mark making his wondernuts bounce in his panties.)

  Cut to Tom jacking around with one of those coin-operated telescopes, through which he is watching Mark being attacked on the beach by a dog, with the dog trying to rip Mark’s pants off. (Probably so Fido can take them to the other Mark in the scene where he doesn’t have any.) Next we have Tom on that same beach (that set is getting a workout), flopped on his belly and warbling to us. This scene prepares us in no way at all for the next one, where one of the guys is dressed as a girl, standing on a rock and clutching one of those giant rubber balls that were a hoot when you were little until someone hit you in the face with it and then all the neighbor kids had to go home while Mommy wiped your tears and drank vodka out of a paper cup.

  Man-Girl suddenly starts racing down the beach with her ball in a gratuitous scene where s/he shows lots of butt crack and flopping pigtails. I have no idea what this is supposed to mean, but I suddenly want to watch Chariots of Fire and the third season of  The L Word.

  Next we have Tom starting to get slightly amorous with that telescope, so he apparently has a fetish about things that magnify, more dancing around in the jet-fuel spill like nothing bad can happen doing that, and the guys running naked down the worn-out beach that is probably ready for all these people to stop tromping around like idiots and just go home. There’s also a bit where Mark spends some quality time with some lovely ladies that are pouring hot wax on him. (Now that’s a Scentsy part that I would attend, mmm hmm.)

  Back to Tom, who is now openly frenching the turn-knob on the telescope, so don’t be surprised if little baby telescopes show up on the tour bus in nine months.  Then they finally let Travis have some serious screen time, and he spends it by running down that tired beach with a busty woman who apparently wants nothing more than to be hurled to the ground so she and Travis can roll around like an enchilada on crack. This romantic montage is mixed in with more shots of the colorful hillbillies, Mark taking an erotic shower while fully-dressed (now he’s going to put his clothes on?), and Tom and Mark sniffing each other’s flowers.

  All of this is upstaged by the image of Tom sitting on a man-throne and lustily unrolling the toilet paper. With a vanity wind-machine blowing, no less. And a pirate shirt. (I’m sure they had a reason for going there, they just didn’t leave any notes behind when they did.)

  Anyway, we’re rolling into the final chorus of the song, so we wrap things up by revisiting all of the special places we’ve been, so you can choose your favorites and possibly act them out at your next party. Jet fuel, ghetto glam, underwear, screaming fans who show their adulation by exposing themselves and/or making marriage proposals, and Travis’ little girlfriend from the beach waving a sign announcing her pregnancy, so he apparently has some very quick and efficient sperm.

  And then the boys wave goodbye and hop back on their plane, as unsatisfied women wail and a grown man wearing a giant banana cries. It’s very sad….

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