Saturday, July 30, 2011

Bon Jovi - “What Do You Got?”

We start out with a glamorous couple arriving at some big event, with limos, a red carpet, and paparazzi shoving cameras at women tightly strapped into the latest couture. We don’t know who they are, but it’s probably not important in the long run, we’re just here to see if Jon is still managing to not age at all while the rest of us wrinkle up and dry out.

Speaking of Jon, there he is, performing with the band on some stage where they didn’t spend a lot of money on the lighting. Yep, still looks like he just got out of college, so we have to hate him a little bit. All of the band members are wearing black, so they might be protesting something, but this isn’t made clear. But at least they seem to be happy right at the moment, and that’s the important thing, because if band members are unsatisfied, they cut the play list short and there’s no encore.

Back to the apparently-famous couple, as they climb into a limo and the doors are slammed, sealing them off from the dirty, clingy people who don’t have more important places to be. Hmm. They don’t seem to be very pleased, with neither of them speaking to each other. The woman (let’s call her Raychelle) even whips out a smart phone and begins texting someone rather than converse with her partner, being careful not to punch too hard on the keys or her couture will rip a seam.

The band plays some more, then the limo pulls up outside a fabulous house (naturally, do you really think they’d let the Beautiful People live in a trailer?). The non-speaking couple saunter into the dwelling, then take separate staircases to separate bedrooms. Clearly, there will be no consummation of their marriage this evening, which is sad, because now the household staff will have to make two beds in the morning instead of one.

The band plays some more, and at this point I think we can just assume that the band will play some more throughout the rest of the video. They really aren’t doing much on their side of the story line, with Jon just singing and remaining young, and the rest of the band playing their instruments and being professionally cool and hip, having been at this rodeo for quite some time. So we’ll focus on the fake couple, their marital issues, and their failure at being happy despite having oodles of money.

In the separate bedrooms, the man and woman both love watching them some Jon Bon on their fancy wide-screen TV’s (which, if you take this mutual Jon admiration far enough, could certainly explain why they aren’t sleeping together), with both of them wearing 3-D glasses to make sure their time with Jon is well-spent and satisfying. Nothing says quality like drum sticks, guitars and body parts being shoved at you in a realistic manner.

Next up we have a ritzy pool party out behind the manse, apparently a birthday thing for the couple’s wee ones, with lots of energetic but spoiled youngsters splashing about and never having to worry about money while their various parents stand around and compare stock portfolios. Interestingly enough, we see Raychelle ignoring all her rich acquaintances and their offspring (including the products off her own assembly line), choosing instead to read a celebrity magazine with her and estranged hubby on the cover.

Oh wait, she finally does pay attention to the festivities, once somebody pulls out a camcorder, at which point she runs over to pose with hubby (let’s call him Borneo, because cool people never have regular names) as the youngsters are handed gifts that they don’t care about and will immediately throw in the pool when no one is looking. As soon as the camcorder is lowered, Borneo quits smiling and starts texting, while Raychelle fiddles with party favors and makes sure her bathing-wear is camera-worthy.

Quick scene with several of the youngsters watching a TV monitor with a loop of the couple walking down that red carpet. Great. They’re training the kiddos to value star-worthiness over minor things like family relationships and actual happiness. No wonder the children of Hollywood royalty make poor decisions that lead to them experimenting with drugs, shaving their heads, and “accidentally” releasing porno tapes of themselves cavorting with multiple partners instead of going to high school.

Now Borneo and Raychelle are at the airport, boarding a private plane and waving at the paparazzi as they do so, because you can’t really leave home unless an entourage sees you do so. (And, of course, they are leaving their own children behind, because even private jets have baggage limits.) The couple eventually arrives at a swanky hotel where the staff apparently outnumbers the guests in a 5-to-1 ratio and everyone has perfected the art of smiling when they don’t really mean it.

The couple enters their separate but adjoining rooms, with each room containing an alarm clock that conveniently plays Bon Jovi videos. Raychelle immediately plops on her bed, because it’s very tiring being beautiful all the time, not saying a word. Borneo stares at her for a while through the open shared door, then he shuts the door, equally not saying a word. But at least they’ve both got Jon Bon to help them make it through the night.

Final bit is Raychelle and Borneo walking through the hotel lobby. (It’s unclear why they are doing actual physical labor when they could just pay someone to do it for them, but we’ll let it slide.) They happen to walk past a just-married couple, who are in the midst of dashing off to places that couples go before they have learned to hate each other and play little games of pain. Borneo and Raychelle look at one another for a bit, actually smiling, then they turn and keep walking.

Interpret that as you will. They might just have a spark left to their relationship. Or they might just be really giddy that they are currently wearing casual clothing for once. Perhaps that’s the answer to a good marriage. Don’t buy couture.

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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