We start out with a young woman, sitting in a crappy metal chair in what looks like a crappy office basement or some such. She’s wearing a wrinkled hoodie and her hair is messy, so she’s probably not having a very good day. The camera zooms in on her eyes so we can see that, yep, it’s a bad day. And possibly a bad life. Anyone who is forced to sit in a metal folding chair has done something wrong at some point.
Cut to Chris starting the song while standing in front of a boarded-up window that has been un-boarded, probably by someone who wanted to see what the sunlight would do when it hits Chris’ head. He doesn’t stand there long enough for us to find out, and instead stomps over to the rest of his band as they are playing in another section of an old abandoned house. Right as Chris is singing the words “old abandoned house”. It’s perfectly timed in an “I’ll completely forget about this in two minutes” sort of way.
Cut to the woman and what might be her boyfriend, at some party where she’s having a swell time sucking down adult beverages while he stands in the corner and glares at her. (So he’s one of those kind of boyfriends. Great.) Of course, Girlfriend appears to have had about 700 drinks, based on her inability to satisfactorily get number 701 anywhere near her mouth without spilling most of it. (So she’s one of those kind of girlfriends. Terrific.)
Brief interlude so the band can play the chorus, and we can reflect on both the tragic relationship arc that we’re watching and the amazing way that Chris’ mouth attacks that surely innocent microphone. For bonus viewing, the camera spins around quite a bit, letting us marvel in the amazing set detail, which includes stripped box springs, those dusty pictures of old folks that nobody remembers but people still keep, and what might be a pile of kumquats in the corner. Very nice.
Back to the soiree, where Girlfriend is getting that “what?” look that drunks get when they are vaguely aware that they’ve done something wrong but have no idea what that might be and just decide to be belligerent. Boyfriend remains very unimpressed, but at least he’s moved to a new glaring position, one that allows the light to better feature his hairdo. (Nice highlights, dude.)
Oh, here’s the requisite part where the band jams as Chris catches his breath and dries off the microphone. I’m not sure why they need so many guitar players, but they seem to be having a good time. Chris steps back up to the microphone, and it whimpers a little bit. Poor thing.
Now the unhealthy relationship duo has moved to a convertible tooling down the road, with Boyfriend driving (hallelujah) and Girlfriend sitting on top of her head rest and waving her arms in the air like she just don’t… remember the rest of the words to that song. He’s still glaring and pouting, natch, but he’s not exactly telling her to get her drunk ass back in the seat, so I’m giving this relationship roughly two more hours before he signs into an online dating service.
Time for the chorus again. Guitars, decrepit house and eyeliner. Wait. Maybe Chris isn’t wearing his trademark eyeliner. Has there been a budget shortage? It’s hard to confirm the eyeliner status, because Chris won’t stay still and the camera person went to the school of “just roll the damn thing all over the place”.
Back to the car, where Boyfriend has had enough of nearly-airborne Girlfriend, so he finally gets her uncoordinated self in a more traditional car-riding position. Sadly, Girlfriend starts grabbing at the gear shift (maybe she’s hungry and thought it was a hotdog?), causing Boyfriend to snap at her rudely and make dramatic hand gestures. Girlfriend slumps to the other side of the car, sad and confused.
Then, in that illogical vodka way of thinking, she decides it would be appropriate to turn into a she-beast and start slapping and scratching at him. This does nothing to help matters, of course, and their increasingly out-of-control tussle sends them swerving into the path of another car. Whoopsie.
Cut to the band, playing and drawing out the suspense. Did they crash? Did somebody get hurt? Did she ever get anything to eat?
We get back to the action, and find Girlfriend wearing a white dress in a white room, possibly a bathroom, crying and having an emotional breakdown or a really bad reaction to the shellfish. Then she’s on a bridge, wearing a black top, all crouched and furtive like a documentary on The Nature Channel. Back to white-dress Girlfriend, where she really, really hates the mirror above the sink for some reason. Then she decides she’s okay with it, and decides to wash her face and tidy up.
Now it’s time for a montage, with jump shots of White-Dress Girl huddled in the bathroom corner, Gazelle Girl running across the bridge like there’s a sale at The Gap, White-Hoodie Girl remaining uncomfortable in her chair, Gazelle Girl apparently taking a break to run hurdles at a local track meet, and Chris and The Daughtries jamming their way to the end of the song.
We close it out with Gazelle ending up at an intersection where she finds….well, nothing, which makes her even more distraught. (Was she looking for, I don’t know, the boyfriend that we haven’t seen since we got schnockered and accidentally played chicken? Oooh, girl, what you done did?) Then Hoodie gets up and walks to the front of the AA meeting. “Hi. My name is Sarah…”
Hmmm. Well, I feel really proud about the beer sitting next to me as I write this. You?
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