Wednesday, September 7, 2011

3 Doors Down - “Kryptonite”

Okay, not really sure what they were trying to say with this video, what with all the running about and the startling images of elderly folks doing things they probably shouldn‘t, but I’ll take a stab at it…

We start out in a crappy apartment somewhere, zooming in on an older man wearing nothing but underwear and fiddling with a live bird. (His underwear is the size of a barn, so I’m sure the bird had to be sedated by his trainer.) There’s a program playing on the beat-up TV, an old black-and-white show where an actor is wearing tinfoil and tights to sexually-confuse the youngsters.

Cut to the band, with them artfully arranged on the rusty metal supports of one of those giant signs on top of old buildings. I think this is supposed to be cool, but the way some of them are clutching the metal in fear of tumbling over the side of the building, the coolness factor dims a bit. While lead singer Brad starts doing his thing, we cut back to Grandpa and the bird, with Gramps really in need of a hairbrush (and some clothes, don’t forget that bit).

Gramps lets the bird go out the window, then he studies things around his room, so we can learn two things. One, he just might have once been the superhero in that old TV show, but he’s fallen on hard times since. And two, those hard times include a super-nasty apartment with bugs running about, old plates of food sitting around long enough that they probably have pet names, and still no clothing. This is not The Ritz.

The band finally climbs down off that stupid sign, and they go start singing in a bar, which is what they should have done to begin with instead of trying to prove some mystical point on the giant jungle gym. Meanwhile, nosey Gramps hears a sleazy couple having a fight in the apartment hallway. He and his underwear race to check it out, only to be rebuffed by Pimp Daddy for invading his personal domestic-violence space. Gramps scurries back in his apartment faster than most of the roaches.

Shots of the band playing, so we don’t forget about them, then we’re back to Gramps as he opens a drawer and pulls out a superhero costume. Well, then, guess he was somethin’ somethin’ back in the day. And judging by the sparkly light coming off the outfit, helping us see just how dirty the apartment really is, the batteries are still working on the costume even after all these years. Gramps proceeds to put on the outfit, with the camera thankfully cutting away before we see something wrinkled that might scar us for life.

Next thing you know, we’re in some alley, where Gramps is racing along (well, racing for him) in his pointy-hatted green get-up, either off to save the day or help Dorothy find the Emerald City. He catches up to the still-fighting Sleazy Couple and tags along behind them intent on… well, it’s not really clear.

And I guess we won’t find out his intentions just yet, because he’s suddenly confronted by a gang of punk people who don’t understand that it’s no longer 1985. Gramps tries to assume a non-threatened stance, but before he can remember exactly how to do that, the Sid and Nancy cast members jump him. The camera cuts away to the band, because it’s apparently okay to watch Grandpa parade around in his skivvies but we don’t dare watch physical elder abuse, right?

Back to the alley, where the Sleazy Couple are still not being very cordial to one another, and Gramps is climbing to his feet and adjusting his pointy hat. Then he hightails it (okay, walks a little bit fast) after the couple, still intent on using his super-powers to right wrongs, although at this point I’m suspecting that the only power he wields might be flatulence. I’m sure we’ll find out.

Checking in on the band, we can see that the bar they are playing in is filled with other senior citizens, also wearing chintzy superhero costumes and apparently liquored up on something stronger than prune juice. These folks seem very excited about watching the band play, even though most of them have kidney stones older than the guys on stage.

Out on the street, some mean guy that probably watches too much WWF is picking on Gramps, grabbing at his hat and such and impeding on his slow-paced but gallant effort to save the slutty girl from the greasy man. Back in the bar, one of the ancient waitresses is wandering around with kryptonite on her serving platter (just like the song title!) while the various patrons frolic and drink and wonder what happened to their walkers. And their money.

Extended bit where one of the grizzled superheroes gets right in Brad’s face while he’s singing, with the sparkly-painted superhero vibrating and acting crazy-eyed while Brad just keeps singing like it happens every day. (No idea what this is all about or what it accomplished.) Then the camera starts jumping around the bar, showing that the geezers have really got their drink on, running and dancing and riding mechanical bulls, with all of them looking extremely creepy and improperly-medicated. (The image of the Thor guy on the bull? That’ll keep you up at night.)

As we wind things down, we see Gramps climb onto the roof of the bar (because using the front door would be too simple, yes?) and peering into the skylight. He spies Sleazy Guy taking a break from beating on Sleazy Girl, so Gramps uses this opportunity to crash through the skylight and slam the nasty dude into the floor. The band finishes its set as Gramps raises his thumb in victory, still astraddle the unconscious Sleazy and still very confused about proper attire and reality.

Wow. I seriously need to start being nicer to my younger relatives so I don’t end up like this. Sayin…

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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