Friday, September 9, 2011

Maroon 5, Christina Aguilera - “Moves Like Jagger”


We start out with black and white shots of what looks like the outside of one of those old-timey theaters, the really fancy kind with great architectural detail and the cache of famous stars and glamour and illicit gin sucked out of flasks in the 1920’s. Then we go inside, backstage, and a title card informs us that it’s “Los Angeles, June 2011”. Okay. We see shots of production people running around and doing the frantic things that they do before a show when everybody is really bitchy and in a hurry and unfortunate things are said to one another.

We start realizing that some of the things we’re seeing are off-kilter, like they were filmed at a time way before 2011 arrived and the Republicans started their latest round of crap. People seem to be preparing to audition for something, some mess that involves 60’s clothing, but the out-of-time thing is still going on, and suddenly a very young Mick Jagger is being interviewed in old newsreel footage, talking about how he’s not sure if the Rolling Stones will make it in the music business.

What the hell? Then we start realizing that a lot of these auditioning people either look like Mick Jagger or are wearing skimpy clothing with slogan tributes to him, and BAM, the craziness starts. The music kicks in and people are strutting around on the stage in Crazy 60’s London outfits while clips of the real Mick sporadically pop up and quickly disappear. Mixed in with all of this is Adam Levine, full of swagger attitude and not wearing a shirt.

He can do that any time he wants. More, please.

So now we have bits of shirtless Adam singing while the other folks are running around all crazy-eyed and hip-thrusting. We run the gamut of Mick impersonators: male, female, undetermined, black, white, Benneton, super sexy, super ugly, you name it. There’s even one free-spirited woman who is barely able to contain her breasts while wearing nothing but a shaggy vest. I’m assuming she’ll get the part, just not the part she was auditioning for.

And really, that’s your whole plot right there. Random folks are doing all things Mick, dancing and jumping and confirming that recreational drug use is alive and well, Adam inserts his half-naked self wherever he feels moved to do so, and the real Mick cameos in old clips from time to time. This goes on for most of the video, causing us to transition from “hey, isn’t that cute?” to “okay, I think I’ve seen enough anorexic people with rhythm”.

Thankfully, Adam rarely puts his shirt back on, so at least we have that image to help us pass the time. But the creepy woman with “Mick Jagger” written on her eyelids and the apparent need for some un-endowed men to wear panties onstage is a bit much. And don’t even get me started on the weird, possible Michael Jackson tribute by one of those underwear people. There are times when you just have to say no. And mean it.

Right as I really think that I can’t take anymore, Christina finally shows up, weaving her vocals into the song and sporting an outfit that involves Joan Crawford tributes and an amazing amount of blonde hair. And enough mascara to keep L’Oreal in business for the next decade. She and her hat step up to an old-timey microphone and start wailing away.

Sadly, although I’m sure she means well, I’ll have to agree with the folks who think her bit just really doesn’t fit with the rest of the song. She’s cute and all, and she has pipes that Adam can only dream about, but this is an ixnay. Then again, that’s the same case with 97% of songs with “featured artists” out there, resulting in a jarring part of the song that doesn’t work, so you can’t really blame her. But girl can wear some vintage clothing, let me tell ya.

Anyway, the song and Mick-wannabees plow onward, with Christina quickly shoved to the background so she can quietly coo and shimmy. Somebody decides it’s really important that they start releasing confetti and balloons over the stage, so we do that, although all it really means is more mess for the staff to clean up when these people finally shut up and go home. Christina seems to like the added flair, though, so it’s all good in the end.

Speaking of the end, we finally do reach that point despite my fears that it might never happen. As all the Mick pretenders gather up their Swinging London accessories and head for the door, we get a last interview with the young Mick, wherein he hopes that his band can last another year or so.

Obviously they did. Probably because they never put out a video like this one…


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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