Saturday, January 28, 2012

Alexandra Stan - “Mr. Saxobeat”

  We start out with Alexandra being dragged into a police station. We have no idea what she’s done that she shouldn’t have, but it could very possibly have something to do with the 4 tons of blue eye-shadow that she’s wearing. Some detective with big sunglasses hauls Alexandra across the station and up some very dramatic split-level stairs, and we know right away that those stairs will come in handy when folks break into the inevitable line dance later in the video.

  For some reason, it takes an incredibly long time for Alexandra to maneuver up those stairs. We spend a lot of footage playing around with jump cuts and odd angles, most of which seem designed to highlight the fact that Alexandra has breasts and an apparent fondness for wearing multiple metal belts around her waist. We get glimpses of a couple other ladies being forcibly escorted as well, but they must be backup criminals and we probably won’t get to see much of them until the chorus.

  Three years later, our little party gets to the top of the stairs and Alexandra is shoved into one of those stark interrogation rooms where people get accused of things and have to explain exactly what they were doing at 10:37pm on a Saturday night three years ago. I guess the police must have a lot of questions, because there are about 50 officers crammed in there with Alexandra. (All of them wearing sunglasses, naturally, because the sun is always so bright in windowless rooms.)

  They make Alexandra sit in a magical chair, one that causes her to instantly break into the vocals of the song. She does this for a bit, with more of those fast and quirky camera angles, then she slips out into the hallway and does some minimal choreography to the beat. (This must be a very laid-back police station if you can make everybody wait while you go dance in other parts of the building.)

  Then we’re back in the interrogation room, and the jump shots start piling up. The officers may have had some questions, but they don’t really have a chance to ask any of them because Alexandra won’t stop singing and flirting. She wiggles all over the place, poses sultrily, and makes sure we understand that she’s wearing form-fitting leather. Oh, and all of this is enhanced by her curious hairdo, a style that indicates she must have been arrested during a storm with some pretty serious straight-line winds.

  We also get to see the backup criminals being interviewed, but they don’t seem to be as horny as Alexandra, so we mainly stick with shots of her humping the conference table and trying to keep her eyes open with all that heavy eye shadow. Then we have a montage of more dancing in the hallway, Alexandra artfully exhaling smoke even though we never see a cigarette, and the officers finally getting fed up with all the musicality and aerobics, throwing the girls into a jail cell.

  The backup criminals sit on a cot and pout, but Alexandra opts to just stand at the front of the cell, probably because she’s discovered that shoving her breasts through the bars enhances them even more than the shadowy lighting is already doing. In the midst of this game of pokey, she spies the officer who is on guard right outside the cell. He has unattractive and wispy facial hair, a sure sign that he’s very lonely and hasn’t gotten to use his nightstick much lately.

  Alexandra, being experienced at the needs of men, decides to use home-boy’s yearnings to her own advantage, quickly seducing him with her amazing talents (with some assistance from her backup criminal dancers) and managing to steal his gun, just not the one he wished she would have taken. The girls lock the poor guy into the cell, then race off, Charlie’s Angels style, to do who knows what. But first, of course, they have to pause in another hallway and do the line dance that we knew was coming.

  Eventually, after sneaking around for a bit and posing on some stairs, the girls manage to locate the officers’ locker room, which just happens to be stocked with police uniforms perfectly-designed for endowed women and their sidekicks. This obviously means that we have to have an extended montage of the ladies changing clothes, with shots of bare skin flashing and libidos rising.

  Then the girls, waving guns and heaving chests, storm-troop into some room where there’s a bunch of officers clearly not paying attention to what is going on in their own precinct. The girls tie the guys up using duct tape (they couldn’t just use the handcuffs that are surely lying all over the station?) and then they sashay out, without a single hair mussed.

  There’s one last bit of line dancing in yet another random hallway, then the trio bravely make their way back down that grand staircase, pretending to be real officers and not Victoria’s Secret models showcasing the latest clothing line, “Criminal Crotchware”. We get a glimpse of another guy being dragged into the station, but Alexandra purposefully ignores him. (Hey, is that Mr. Saxobeat?) Then the girls, grinning at each other in triumph, simply walk out the front door, headed to Macy’s for a sale on toaster ovens…

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.


  1. Your whole description is pretty stupid. It's called artistic license.

    1. Anon,

      Based on your comment, it's clear that you actually took this as a serious review, which it's not. It's called sarcasm, which is another form of artistic license. But hey, thanks for stopping by....




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