Saturday, January 22, 2011

The All-American Rejects - “Move Along”

  We start out with the lead singer, Tyson, fully-clothed and falling backwards off a diving board into a swimming pool. The assumption is going to  be that he’s had a very bad day. Or maybe he just misunderstood some directional advice. These things happen when you don’t pay attention in class, boys and girls.

  But before Tyson splashes down, we cut to him standing in an office, facing the camera while possibly being berated by the man behind him. Something about declining sales. We really don’t care. Then Tyson is dressed as a doctor, still facing the camera, followed by a shot of a medical bracelet on an arm with the name “Kim” written in strange lettering. No idea what’s going on, but I’m not caring for the intense look on Tyson’s face. It’s a bit manic and creepy.

  Now Tyson’s at the dinner table, eating something that is unidentifiable but very colorful. We’re looking at him through a big-ass wineglass that’s in the way. (The potential for alcohol has been the most promising thing in this video so far.) Brief shot of a ring on a finger, then some girl is clutching Tyson’s shoulder and staring at him as if he’s just said something that will soon lead to an altercation. At this point, nobody in this video is very happy. Or making any sense.

  Back to the dining table, where Tyson finally starts belting out the song. He seems to be singing to or about someone that is not sitting in the chair across from him. Back to the office, where that dude is still yelling, another ring shot, more of the displeased girl on Tyson’s shoulder (she walks away this time, so he’s really done it now), and another gander at Tyson in the doctor outfit and the mysterious “Kim” who may or may not be breathing.

  Then all the sudden, BAM, we start getting hundreds of rapid-fire shots of Tyson wearing different couture, but his somewhat-fierce face stays in the same place, with the same expression, in every shot. It’s very intense. And still with the creepy. These flickering images go on for long enough that you’re just on the verge of losing your place in the space-time continuum, and then it stops. We get about three seconds to breathe, and then here we go again. If this keeps up I might need physical therapy and some nice sedatives.

  And we stop again, long enough for Dining-Table Tyson to use some menacingly-sharp cutlery to attack whatever that is on his plate. Shot of a headless doctor patting at his heart, followed by a small girl looking tragic and forlorn while her mother apparently spies something across the room that is more interesting than her daughter’s grief. More whizzing around with the frenetic costume changes and that intense expression that Tyson insists on maintaining.

  We stop at a football game, with Tyson in uniform, and we learn that handsome, blond men are the enemy, and that they are beating us really bad in the football game. Cut to a car smashed into a light pole, and a disgruntled police officer writing a ticket, because apparently you’re not supposed to use public utility devices to stop your car. Wait, is Tyson now in jail? If so, why does it look like there’s an infertility clinic behind him? Doesn’t matter, the costume changes are ramping up again, and I have to say that Tyson must have a very extensive wardrobe. At least in the shirt department. No word on trousers and such.

  The wild ride slows down again, and we see somebody smashing a car window with a crow bar, and then a close-up of somebody who is either guilty of the automotive violence or has just heard some startling test results. We jump around some more, and then somebody else is taking off his hat to show us that perhaps his hair stylist is not the best in the world. (The people behind him seem to be drinking moonshine out of jugs, causing them to put on silly headgear and think it looks cool.)

  And more jump cutting. Some tough guy punches at the camera, Tyson changes his clothes 47 more times, Tyson fiddles with a water hose as a euphemism for whatever you would like to imagine, and a quick shot of Tyson lying on the ground with a broken flower pot near his head. Things finally slow down, and we see Tyson on the diving board again, slowly falling away from us. (They even throw in an aerial shot so we can confirm that, yep, bitch is fallin’ into the water.)

  Cut to a side view that shows hundreds of hands rising out of the now-empty pool to catch Tyson. (This is by far the coolest part of the video. Just sayin.) Tyson is so appreciative of the mass suicide-intervention that he decides to perform an impromptu concert at the bottom of the pool. He sits down at a handy piano so he can sing the slow part of the song along with all his new friends. As has been deemed necessary by some higher power, all his fans slowly wave their hands in the air in a moving tribute to group yoga and inner peace.

  Then we’re back to the loud part of the song, and Tyson runs to his mike stand and starts to wail again, with that intensity thing. In fact, the entire band is going after their roles with a vehemence that gives one pause. Why are these people so dramatic with their musicality? Do they need to change their diet?

  The band plays for a while, with the circling audience doing that bounce-dance thing that has been popular for a while but is still mystifying when it comes to the enjoyability factor. Why can’t they just stand there and wave an old-school lighter? Then we’re back to the rapid-fire wardrobe changes, and I’m too tired to even keep up now. Suffice it to say that Tyson spends a lot of money on t-shirts with slogans.

  As the song winds down, we pull away from the pool, watch a few more flickering outfits, learn that girlfriend is back in town because she gets to sing a few lines and I’m thankful that she didn’t bring any extra clothes with her, there’s a shout-out to the other band members, and we end with Tyson smirking at us whilst wearing a final t-shirt with the Madonna on it. The religious figure, not the one who pissed off Pepsi but still went on to dominate the entertainment world…

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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