Saturday, January 8, 2011

Waka Flocka Flame, Wale, Roscoe Dash - “No Hands”

  Okay, this is a very minimalist video. The three guys stand around rapping while a bevy of breasty women undulate in appreciation. That’s it. So we’ll have to do the time-stamp thing to get any fun out of this one.

0:03  Somebody’s riding in an elevator, apparently headed to the roof. This is mesmerizing so far, yes?

0:05  The weight capacity of the elevator is 2,500 pounds. In case you were wondering. I know some of you are really invested in the dangers of vertical travel.

0:10  The elevator finally gets to the roof, and people pile out as the music starts. Maybe it’s just the lighting, but everybody already looks drunk, so this probably isn’t the first stop of the evening. We get a panoramic shot of the city to show that, yep, we’re on the roof. No jumpers, though. At least not yet.

0:17  One of the rappers (I think it’s Roscoe) waves his finger at us like we just wet the carpet.

0:20  The parade of breasty women starts. The head float in the parade does not look impressed to be here. Maybe it’s the gravitational pull tugging on her hooters.

0:25  Why are these women dancing like they have something lodged?

0:28  Hand waving. Natch.

0:32  Waka is sitting with two women on a nice couch. The women seem unable to keep their legs together or their hands off Waka. Maybe it’s his styling gel.

0:36  Waka thinks he’s leading an orchestra. His partners look like that word has too many syllables and they’ll just sit out this discussion, thanks.

0:45  Waka is now on the dance floor, rapping, and apparently the words mean more if he waves his hands back and forth the whole time. (But isn’t this song called “No Hands”?)

0:48  More breasts.

0:57  Wow. How does she make her butt do that?

1:11  Some people are having a pillow fight in one of the hotel rooms. But I don’t think they really understand the rules and they’re not doing it right. I suppose it’s not important.

1:17  Side note: This must be the “clean” version of the video, because there’s a lot of bleeping. Sometimes you can still figure it out, but there are complete patches of dead silence. These boys be cussin’.

1:26  Why is this woman even bothering to wear a blouse? That thin strip of material ain’t hidin’ nothing’.

1:32  Hands are still in the air.

1:40  Some lost soul is on the balcony, doing squat thrusts. Maybe the image of the skyscraper in the background makes her girl parts tingle.

1:48 A woman is being eaten alive by her own hair. Well, I don’t think that’s her hair. But anyway, it’s taking over.

1:52  Wale thinks he’s on the “Mickey Mouse Club”.

1:54  A woman shows off her fingernail polish that apparently glows in the dark. Sadly, this is probably her finest hour, ever.

2:00  Wale is rapping now, and I don’t know why they even bothered to include his vocal track, because 97% of it is bleeped and I don’t understand what he’s trying to tell us. Something about a cornfield? Or maybe a kumquat.

2:11  The strong language only intensifies the size of the dancing breasts around Wale. He has a very special skill, indeed.

2:16  Quick shot of people driving blinged-out cars, and George Michael wearing a heavy necklace.

2:20  Look at me! I can dance AND hold a drink. Woo hoo!

2:28  More cars on the street. No one has any regard for the painted lane dividers. This does not surprise me.

2:36  The woman with the vicious hair fully intends to stay in this shot with Wale no matter what it takes.

2:27  Waka is leading a woman somewhere with white walls. I doubt if they’re headed to church.

2:54  Now we have Roscoe in what might be a hotel suite or a fancy dentist’s office. Naturally, he raps while chesty women vie for his attention. Interestingly enough, I don’t think he even realizes they are even there. One of the women is so saddened by the neglect that she wanders out onto a balcony and does a lonely stripper dance.

3:11  Roscoe really likes to lean into the camera when he raps. The bosomy woman to his left looks like she realizes she better not lean anywhere or there’s no stopping her descent.

3:17  Lonely girl is still dancing in the moonlight, but she’s starting to look a little tired. Probably because she can’t breathe in those booty-enhancing leather pants.

3:22  Brief lesbian interlude so the producers can hit all the demographics. How nice of them.

3:28  Roscoe: “My rain never evaporates.” What the hell?

3:36  The three rappers start this little chant thing where Waka has to lean in and repeat the last word of every line. This is one of those things that probably only looks good on paper.

3:52  Waka is trying to fly.

3:54  Poor woman has her booty stuck on the balcony railing.

3:56  Who is that and why does he look pissed off?

3:58  Helpful woman demonstrates the breast stroke.

4:02  Some people practice riding a subway while standing up.

4:08  Waka firmly agrees with something. Or he’s having a small seizure.

4:09  Woman is still struggling with the vicious mound of hair piled on her head. I hope she takes care of it soon, because right now there’s no way she can fit out the door when it’s time to leave. (Did they lower her in from the sky at the start of the party?)

4:24  The rappers all do their little signature moves indicating the end of the song is nigh.

4:30  Another panoramic shot of the city. Somewhere out there is a wild animal that could mate with the mess on that woman’s head…

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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