Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Pink - "Please Don't Leave Me"

We zoom in on a really ritzy house, with Pink and some guy tussling over golf clubs and looking generally unhappy. And Pink is sporting a very chaste hairdo and subdued clothing, so you know she’s not in her right mind. But she does manage to show some cleavage, so all is not lost.

So then the guy gets a better grip on the golf clubs and is racing out of the house, even though Pink is clearly singing to him that he shouldn’t go and all. He nears the top of a staircase, where someone has conveniently left a pile of clear and black glass marbles. (Looks like somebody’s been to Pier 1! In 1987.)

Of course the guy loses his balance and goes ass over elbows down the stairs. While he’s writhing in pain at the bottom of the steps, Pink gets an odd expression on her face. It’s not certain if she’s wondering how badly he’s hurt, trying to figure out if she’s enjoying seeing him in pain, or just remembered an appointment with the gynecologist.

Next scene has Pink dolled up in some hooker circus outfit, with a cute little hat and all, just as she’s appropriately singing the line “how did I become so obnoxious?”. The golf guy is in a hospital bed in the same house, and she’s stitching him up with needle and thread. (That sewing project in junior high Home Economics finally paid off. Whew.)

Then Pink snatches up one of the golf clubs and does a naughty little dance with it (um, you can keep that club when you’re all done riding it, thanks). Suddenly, she hauls off and whacks golf guy’s injured leg with the club, and we learn two things: Pink has issues, and we’re doing movie tributes. Yay! (This one is “Misery”, for those keeping score.)

Now Pink’s in the kitchen really hacking away at cabbage or some such with a big-ass knife. (She must hate vegetables and/or roughage.) Golf guy tries to sneak out of the house, but Pink hears him and catches up to him at the front door. But instead of actually stopping him, she pauses to belt out a few lines of the chorus and fondle a colander. Guy opens the door, and is immediately attacked by Cujo.

Next scene has Pink in another hooker circus outfit and cute hat, but this time she and Arnold Palmer have kabuki makeup on, making them look dead or just really hung over. He’s strapped into a wheelchair, and she’s touching up his lipstick. Then she hits him in the chest right during the “perfect little punching bag” line, cause you knew that one was coming.

They’re on some stage thing (this is a BIG house), and the seats in the audience are filled with those creepy porcelain dolls that are always a sign of the devil or at least mental instability. I’m guessing this is a nod to “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” Pink shoves his wheelchair off the stage (you know, like Diana Ross did to Mary Wilson during that Motown anniversary special) and he crashes into the devil dolls.

She then jumps on top of him, all smoochy and loving, and I’m assuming they have Cabbage Patch sex because she wakes up naked. To find that her golfing buddy is not in the room with her.

Well, that just irks her to no end, so she puts on another cute outfit and then grabs an axe and goes searching. And she manages to chase him into a bathroom, where he slams the door. So of COURSE they have to act out “The Shining”, with Pink whacking a hole in the door and shoving her face through it. He makes sure to fumble around for a weapon long enough that she has time to finish singing another round of the chorus. Timing is everything, yes?

He sprays something in her eyes, she stumbles backwards, and wouldn’t you know it, there’s those damn glass marbles again (See, boys and girls. Pier 1 can KILL!) and Pink goes sailing over the balcony and crashes a few stories below. (Which is a tribute to a lot of things. “Vertigo”, “King Kong”, the economy, Paris Hilton’s contribution to society.)

We end with medical people and police diddling around while they wheel Arnold out the door, and Pink is all splayed out, maybe dead, but still singing. Then she sits up and throws the viewing audience a big kiss, meaning it was all in fun and she’s not really advocating domestic violence. Hee hee.

Just put the dolls away, okay? Thanks.

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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