Thursday, August 13, 2009

Rob Thomas - "Her Diamonds"

Okay, we start off in… I don’t know what it is. A cave? A disco? Some spooky lost room at Hogwarts where Hermione morphed from frizzy-haired munchkin to supermodel between movies? All we really know is that Rob is already singing about the sad, lonely girl who cries pretty tears.

Oh, and it seems that one of the motifs for this video is using reflections of Rob on odd surfaces. They’ve already done that about 20 times and we’re barely 30 seconds into it.

Wait, now we’ve switched over to an apartment, guessing it’s in a high-rise because you can see other tall buildings out the window. Hold up. What is THAT? Some freaky woman is sitting on the bed, covered in ice, her hair is all spiky and it looks like someone shoved icicles into her head. Maybe it’s Lady Gaga doing a cameo.

Ice Girl is just sitting there, staring out the window. It’s not quite clear if it’s sunrise or sunset. She’s not drinking coffee (oh wait, she can’t, she’s frozen) or putting on her jammies so we have no visual clues to help us out here with the time frame.

Oh wait, now Rob is trapped behind a wall of ice, still singing. Poor thing.

Close-up on Ice Girl’s eye. Wow, her mascara looks really good, considering she’s a popsicle and all.

Okay, the sun outside the window just moved up, so either it’s morning or the camera guy tripped. Whoa, the sun just got really bright. It‘s morning. (But we still don’t see anybody drinking coffee, so something’s obviously not right in this place.)

More singing Rob behind the ice wall. Then reflections of Rob in the icy spikes sticking out of the girl’s head. (Told ya, reflections everywhere you look, they’re gonna wear us out with that.)

Hey, now Ice Girl is melting, chunks falling off of her. I wonder if she really wants this to happen? She looks very troubled about something. But she’s not getting up to close the window, so I guess we’ll just have to see.

How convenient. We just got a quick shot of an iPhone, and it’s 7:15am. Thank you. I was so worried about what time it was, because that could TOTALLY change the story.

Rob’s still behind the ice wall, but it looks like there are cracks now. This is SO deep. Wow.

Hey, Ice Girl just broke one of her hands free of the ice. And now an arm! Things are really starting to get busy up in here, big sheets of ice sliding off her onto the bed and floor. (I hope she has insurance, because this is turning into a mess.)

Reflections of Rob on the icy, watery floor.

Wait, is Ice Girl really Alicia Silverstone? (Pause it at 2:32, study, and get back to me.)

Oh dear. She just rolled off the bed and fell on the floor. Now she’s wallering around in all those chunks of ice. THAT can’t feel good, hope Alicia got paid well for this.

Okay, ice wall is gone, and now Rob is singing and dancing in front of a really bright sun thing, doing some pretty pathetic arm movements. (He should have hired Celine Dion’s Arm Choreographer, THAT person is really good.)

Alicia crawls to the window and pulls herself up into the sunlight. She still doesn’t look very happy (she might just be wondering who is going to clean all this water up, not sure). Wait, it looks like she might be trying to sing along with Rob, but you can’t hear anything because right then all 120 of Rob’s backup singers kick in at full throttle. That’s kind of rude.

Okay, the camera guy realizes there’s too many people singing, so he does a close-up of Alicia’s vocal cords so we can see that she is, indeed, singing. And then she throws her head back, and based on her expression, something very sensual just occurred and/or happened to her.

Wait, it’s over, final scene with the camera man walking backwards (watch out for that ice!) while Alicia stands at the sunlit window in her nightie. There are so many unanswered questions. How did the bitch get frozen? Is she going to get revenge? Does she have anything dry to wear? Did anybody ever get any coffee?


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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