Friday, April 22, 2011

Ne-Yo - “Closer”

  We start off with Ne-Yo on some soundstage, pushing along his motorcycle. (Why he’s doing this, I have no idea, because you know he has people who can push things for him.) Cut to Ne-Yo on another soundstage, and this one is apparently having electrical problems because the lights keep flashing on and off in an annoying way. This is kind of sad, because Ne-Yo appears to be wearing a sharp suit that we should probably study more closely, because we all know that the right outfit can make or break a song.

  Then Ne-Yo lets out a little yelp that magically makes the flashing stop. (Note to self: If you want to make irritating lights stop flickering, squeeze out a Michael Jackson tribute noise.) We cut back to Motorcycle Ne-Yo, who is being visited by a woman wearing incredibly tight panty shorts, and she seems very invested in touching Ne-Yo and his throbbing machine. He doesn’t seem to mind, especially when she does some really hookerish moves involving her fanny, letting him know that she’s ready for a test drive and comes with both an automatic and a stick-shift transmission.

  Meanwhile, the Sharp-Dressed Ne-Yo is still singing, and a new Sweater-Wearing Ne-Yo is using his feet to torment a microphone stand while he also appears to be looking around at people that aren’t really there. (Side Note: It seems that somebody tried to add lyrics to the screen for the hearing-impaired, which is nice, but they didn’t really finish the job and we only get words here and there, usually right on a beat or when Panty-Shorts Woman discovers another direction to point her breasts.)

  Okay, now all of the Ne-Yo’s are doing some smooth dance moves, and this sequence results in some backup dancers suddenly appearing out of nowhere, because that’s another rule about music videos: random dancers must rush in and do a line dance during critical moments in the video when you can’t think of anything more interesting to do. (Oh, and look, Panty-Shorts Woman was able to correctly clap her hands to one of the beats, so she does have some marketable skills after all.)

  Eventually another woman runs on one of the sets and instantly stretches her hand toward Sharp-Dressed Ne-Yo’s crotch, so I guess after Panty-Shorts Woman’s surprise career-advancement in the last paragraph, word has gotten out that if you do the right things with your hands while standing near Ne-Yo, you might get hired for another shoot.

  At 1:41, two women wearing outfits that Jennifer Beals might wear on The L Word do some synchronized gymnastics where they roll on their heads and show us their muscle tone. It looks very interesting, and very painful.

  At 1:46, Crotch-Grabbing Woman suddenly seems to be passing out from food poisoning and slumping to the floor. Ne-Yo just stares at her, because really, does the skank think she can just sashay up in here and deviate from the script? Girl, please.

  And now the Jennifer Beals dancers are multiplying, because there are more of them wallering around on the floor while Sharp-Dressed Ne-Yo tries his best to dance without kicking them in the head, which is a difficult task since the Jennifers are flopping all over the place like somebody should really call in a priest for an exorcism.

  Lots more dancing by the various Ne-Yo’s. That man has entirely too much energy. And then we have even more Jennifer Beals dancers flooding one of the stages, so I’m starting to get a little bit concerned. Has this suddenly become a casting call for Flashdance II: Still Got That Feeling?

  Oh wait, we’ll probably be alright. Sweater-Wearing Ne-Yo is back, and he has those mad skillz where he can control the microphone stand with his feet. He can use that as a weapon in case those identically-dressed women go on a rampage. (Kill the Jennifers! Kill them!) Unless he gets distracted by Panty-Shorts Woman or Crotch-Grabbing Woman, both of whom have a tendency to hog the spotlight and make you forget about dance troupes that want you dead.

  But everyone remains relatively friendly, with very little bloodshed, and we roll into another run with lots of people dancing, letting the music take them to heights of athleticism and eroticism. The highlight of this bit is when Sharp-Dressed Ne-Yo plays a modified form of hopscotch where he leaps over some of the Jennifers while they sprawl on the stage in a pinwheel shape. (Why do these girls like lying on the floor so much?)

  Next up we have Ne-Yo messing around with some Slutty Cocktail Waitress who really, really likes his tie. But she doesn’t last very long (I guess Ne-Yo didn’t like what was on her menu) and we jump back to more of the Jennifers waving their legs in the air and doing push-ups in an odd fashion.

  Check it, now some of the people are wearing white pants instead of the black ones that were handed out by wardrobe at the beginning of this video, and this totally changes everything that we are seeing. And it looks like the producers took my advice on crowd control, because now we’re down to only two Jennifers, and both of them seem to be behaving themselves. And they even have batons that they can twirl. See, folks? Change is good.

  Sadly, everybody must be getting tired, because the video starts to wind down. A little more dancing, a few more women pawing on Ne-Yo, a startling scene with the Jennifers possibly ripping Ne-Yo to shreds in a rousing tribute to Dawn of the Dance Floor of the Dead, and a fond look back at all of Ne-Yo’s outfits so we can update our fashion spreadsheets.

  Final shot is off Ne-Yo beckoning to us and then walking off into a screen filled with static. If you listen really closely, you can hear Panty-Shorts Woman finally getting a test drive. But only in the European release of the video…

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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