Friday, April 22, 2011

Sara Evans - “Born To Fly”

We start off in the yard of a house, with a pig-tailed and barefoot Sara screwing around on top of a wood fence while various family members and/or homeless people pretend to be doing things behind her. Then we switch to another Sara, much less countrified and sporting a tiny little miniskirt that accents her legs as well as apparently contains a microphone in the zipper so she can start warbling the song.

Well, Fence-Walkin’ Sara can’t be outdone, so she joins in with the lyric, bellowing while continuing her gymnastics routine on the fence. Sadly, she must not be a very good multi-tasker, because she soon tumbles off said fence and into the convenient arms of an inbred cousin wearing a hat. And what does that fool girl do? Hops right back on the fence like she don’t have a lick of sense.

Meanwhile, three guys probably named Bubba, Zeke and The Other Bubba are messin’ with the wheel on some old-timey car that ain’t never gonna run again, so I’m not sure what the point is with that. And it seems that Momma might be tryin’ to do the wash on the stoop of the house, but this is proving kinda tough to do, since she ain’t got no soap, water or even some dirty clothes. Poor thing. Maybe she should go rest a bit and try again later.

A couple of other Saras start popping up, wearing cute little outfits and facial expressions. Oh, and messing with their hair. It seems Sara really likes to run her hands through her own coif while wiggling her hips or just standing in the yard, taking her turn on Tumbleweed Watch. She also plays nice with a doggie that looks just like the one in that movie about the tornado, the stupid road that winds around itself, pushy people on brooms, flying monkeys, and singing.

Speaking of The Wizard of Oz, there goes the mean old lady on her ugly bike, haughtily bouncing her way down the dirt road toward the clusters of hillbillies doing pointless things. The Saras don’t care. They just keep warbling and wearing adorable outfits. Then, dad blast it, the old lady marches into the yard demanding that Toto be returned to the slave basket on her bike. No one pays any attention to her at all. (This probably explains how she became the mean old lady.)

Then we have Sara’s parents recreating the famous painting where the country couple stand next to a pitchfork and look stern. No explanation is given for this, so we’ll just assume that people got bored and somebody found some old farming equipment in the prop room. Mayhem ensued.

There’s an odd scene where the Bubbas seem to be having a heated discussion about Fence-Walkin’ Sara, standing around her in a group, arguing and gesturing like they’re trying to figure out how much they can get for her at the cattle auction down to Yucklehead Junction. Sara don’t pay them no mind, smiling away while she continues to sings\. When you can successfully pull off wearing pigtails at her age, life is pretty sweet and the potential to be auctioned off isn’t something you should trouble yourself about.

Mean old lady still wants somebody to listen to her concerns, with her latest issue apparently involving a parking ticket, but the clan ain’t up to it. Next thing you know, Old Crabby done snatched up Toto and is making snarling faces like a bad drag queen that really needs to practice more. I guess them folks should have paid more attention to the bitch with the bike, ‘cause now they got a reduction in inventory.

I guess the horror and pain of this abduction causes one of the Saras to run into the house and throw herself down on an ugly green couch, where she starts writhing in remorse and devastation. I’m assuming the grieving process in this part of the country also involves lying on your back and thrusting your breasts skyward, because we see some of that.

Now we really start jumping around, with lots of images of the cousin-brothers and uncle-daddies doing some kind of mime routines out there in that dirt yard. This, of course, does not distract Green-Couch Sara, as she remains fully invested in finishing up her aerobics session while sprawled across furniture. She’s a very focused woman, she is.

At 2:29 we get another shot of Crabby Old Meanie, with her shoving a finger at us like an angry, cross-dressing proctologist. No sign of Toto, so there’s no telling what’s happened to him. I’d strongly advise against accepting any covered dishes from this woman after the next town funeral.

Next thing you know, here comes a twister headed toward the farm. As is typical around these parts, folks start pointing at it and running out in the yard for a better gander, instead of high-tailing it to the cellar. (Probably because it always smells like feet down there, and who wants to mess with that?)

Green-Couch Sara stays right where she’s at, because girl got a song to finish and at least 7 more ways she can sprawl on the upholstery. We get a cheesy shot of the house being sucked up by the twister, then we’re back inside as Sara calmly continues her performance whilst relatives and livestock zip by the convenient picture window over her left shoulder.

And we wind things down by jump-cutting around to check on the other Saras, including a new one that managed to find a skimpy black top that looks just right when deadly winds are blowing debris and tractors through the air. I’m happy to report that even though Green-Couch Sara rudely took off for parts unknown and left most of her family and her other personalities behind, everyone seems to have survived without too much trauma.

Now, if they would just quit running around like idiots, maybe they can get back out in the fields and bring the harvest in before Sara blows back into town and parks that house in the wrong spot…

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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